THE INSIDER Who’s getting up to what

I The British Board of Film Classification's introduction of a new certificate. the 12A. late last year imprinted those little triangular and circular symbols which appear on screen prior to the beginning of a movie onto Insider's mind's eye's retina. The 12A. for those unclear about the ever- expanding family of symbols. allows for children under the age of 12 to see a film as long as the wee-ish ones are accompanied by an adult. This variation of the 12 certificate was introduced for the re-release of Spider-Man. bringing a whole new. yetinger audience to the Superhero blockbuster (and. of c0urse. at least one accompanying. ticket-purchasing adult). Interestingly. the 12A's predecessor was introduced for

Resun'ecfion man

I Insider hears that plans are moving ahead for a conference about the Cult film The Wicker Man (X certificated upon its original release back in 1973 and subsequently re-certificated as an 18. then a four-second shorter 15 are we missing more of Britt Ekland‘s body double. or perhaps Edward Woodward’s wood? and finally the 15 minute. 39 second longer version. Anthony Shaffer 's

Wicker Man. also a 15) to be held 14—1 5 July at Glasgow University Crichton Campus in Dumfries. Titled ‘Rituals. Readings and Beactions'. the conference has attracted academics from the UK and US and will also be attended by Robin Hardy. director of the film. The weekend. which of course includes a screening of the film (currently being remade twice. once in America for the love of Christ. no! and once in Orkney and Shetland). culminates with the Wicker Man Festival at [I Dundrennan near Kirkcudbright. Insider wonders whether any virginal males/academics attending the festival will begin to feel a little hot under the collar towards the end of the conference?

similar reasons: to bridge the gap between the PG (kids allowed. but parents to exercise guidance) and 15 (fifteen year olds and Over only) certificates. drawing another three year's worth of kids into cinemas to see another superhero blockbuster. Batman, which would otherwise have been branded with a box-office gross-prohibitive 15.


I This ever more convoluted mess of cinema certifications. somewhat reminiscent of inner city road planning. has begun to inspire theatres. The Nottingham Playhouses new year brochure includes little triangular and circular symbols for all of its shows. Robert Lepage's Polygraph gets an 18 for adult content. while Tom Stoppard's Travesties has been dubbed a PG. So far. so straightforward. Edinburgh Fringe favourite Otis Lee Crenshaw. however. has been given a 16. as has Ed Byme. Eh? 16? Never heard of it. And if that's somewhat confusing. then consider that Nottingham Playhouse hasn't certificated three shows by Steven Berkoff at all. Does this mean five—year-olds are free to listen to the filthy old codger's foul-mouthed ranting? Or does the lack of certificate

suggest we go see some decent theatre instead?

I Given this climate of what can only be described as certification mania. InSider \NOLlld like to Suggest some further variations. How ab0ut the 100. a new brown-coloured. square-shaped symbol indicating cinema entry only to those who have reached triple figures (ideally. this w0uld be applied to the worst dross exported from Hollw/ood. and anything directed by Mel Smith)? A 12A-style variation on the 100 weiild be the 72. which would allow only those with an IQ of lower than 72 into the Cinema (thus orin the appropriate audience wetild be able to watch Hollywood dress). The 108 would be granted to films wrth a running length of not longer than one hour and 48 minutes. which would keep those arse marathon-length ‘epics' such as Titanic etc out of Cinemas. Finally. the P would admit only those crnema goers Without noisy popcorn

cartons into Cinema auditoria.

l Note: Insider mourns the loss of the X certificate. The old

black X really gave the impression of deeply disturbing (or wildly titillating) adult content. The weeny 18 Just doesn't do the same job (it's orin three above a 15 after all the nearest thing to an X was the old 14-years-and- older AA at the opposite end

of the alphabet). Neither does

the current B18 (restricting

films to porn shops only)

have the stamp'n'bi‘and

impact of an X.

The Front


‘You can’t get rid

of us. We’re like

the clap.’

Andy Bell from Erasure

promises to keep

churning it out even if their latest album flops.

‘l starved myself, stayed indoors, locked myself in my hotel room, grew a beard and basically got myself as deranged as possible.’

Actor Adrien Brody describes how he prepared to be a holocaust survrvor in Roman Polanski 's The Pianist.

‘I walked into her room and before I had even sat down she said: “You are frightened and excited. Bobby says that is OK; you are doing the right thing.”’ Ci/la Black recalls dead husband Bobby advising her (through a psychic. mind) that she should definitely quit Blind Date. Nice one. Bob.

‘l’d guess I’d have to say Yoda. He’s small but he really packs a wallop. Or, as Yoda might say, a wallop he packs. But maybe I’m biased in favour of short, green leading men.’

Kermit the Frog on his favourite Star Wars character.

‘He said that seeing us in person was very spiritual.’

aom/ Campbell remembers Fidel Castro's unlike/y reaction to meeting her and Kate Moss.

‘When you get to 42, you experiment. Unfortunately, I think there was a bit too much put in


Merseybeat 's Les/re

Ash admits she looks

like a fish after

implants in her lips.

Fishy Ash

1i; LttlJan 90031115 LIST 9