The Front


DIDIER, one half of the French comedy duo Priorité a Gauche, gets all romantic with five things to do on Valentine’s Day A

to impress your sweetheart.

1 Go out for dinner If you have a romantic meal. avoid any food that might disgust yOur date. Steer clear of haggis and stick to snails and frogs' legs.

2 Eat oysters Remember oysters are an aphrodisiac. Although not if people see you eating them.

3 Recite poetry Perhaps recite some famous romantic poetiy. Anything by Verlaine. Baudelaire or Johnny Hallyday will do.

4 Don’t get confused Bear in mind that an English hood is actually a French letter, but a French horn is just a brass instrument.

5 Don’t be too arrogant Being French we have to deal with this stereotype. Just because we are the greatest lovers in the world. there's no need to show off about it.


a: M n 'i m.

Not lUSi a site. but a way Of life. And one that even contains a mission statement. ‘We have a dream A dream that one day. all mullets will be treated equal. Free from the persecution of coldnecks. Free from guerrilla mullet hunting. Free from sOCieties' disgust towards the mullet. May all skullets. fe- mullets. mullatInOS. rat-tails and the endless classification of mullets walk down the gullden gates of freedom . . . to the promised landfff'

The section on kiddie mullets contains some of the cruellest acts against children on the net. \f‘/i‘.lCi‘i in the present climate is saying a lot.


There’s no stopping the juggernaut that is celebrity fight clubs. After Bob Mortimer beat up Les Dennis and Ricky Gervais grappled Grant Bovey, more bouts are being planned involving news reporters and new romantics. But here are some more personalities we’d like to see beat the living daylights out of one another.

Bill Drummond v David Dickinson Having burned a million quid for no apparent reason. Drummond needs to be taught the value of money. Bargain hunter David Dickinson may be the man. having Surely picked up some dirty fighting tips from the roustabotits he'd have met inside.

Johnny Vegas v Jordan

Two champion heavy weights. for sure. ‘.'.’l:| ensure a scrap ‘.'."Eill punch drunk ' all over t. But will they think that the bell for the final round means the bars about to Close?

2“ Geri Halliwell v Mel 8 Mel is the brown girl in the ring for this how. with added spice. The smart money is on real punches being landed. but some uncharitable types believe it wOuld be good to see a COuple of genuine slappers thrash it Out.

Shirley Manson v Sharleen Spiteri Spiteri knows what a good ruck is: she sang abOut a black-eyed boy. after all. But Manson knows how far she can go through the pain barrier. having admitted to teenage self-harming.

Jonathan Ross v Carol Vorderman There must be a long line of those insulted by Ross at the Comedy Awards ready and willing to ll’d‘.€ a square go. But we reckon the brains. beauty and hidden depths of brawn of Vorderman vail be his match.

Hugh Grant v Liz Hurley

Everyone knows that Hugh is \.'ulnerable to ).O‘.'.'S pelov.‘ the belt so the tl‘at Hurley prac: ceu’ n Austin Powers may not be necessaiy Anti unite". 't comes to men. Liz i‘as aizn'ays set her sights (iu te lov..

D I N NME Awards Tour Barrowland. Glasgow. Sun 26 Jan

6 THE LIST 3?; saw—15‘; ‘50:. 1/1.}