Eat your ass out David Blaine.


. Phil talks with forked tongue to create 1 a fog on the tine

Ould it not be funny to run up behind Davrd Blaine while he is dorng

a trick and pull his trousers down swrftly?

Have you seen that white plastic fork lying around all over the place on its own so. wrthout others to hold rt next to. rt looks like there is only one deSign? Perhaps there are many lovely subtly different deSrgns. Is rt a brt overmuch to start collecting these tine-y orphans and setting them on some cold surface somewhere and conductrng some krnd of doctor mengele (srctk)) skeletal pageant? Or rust brrngrng one stored out of the pocket and holding both in mrd arr suspended for a good gaZrng at? Pesrst and return. On hot days they are the nearest thrng we get to a little bendy Sundrred pelvrc bone in the desert and those little tines. gently snappable at any moment. lookrng so brave like the krd pointing the stick at the ram-headed demon god wrth the serpent body; optimistic with naturally upturned prong for any falling food or metaphor it seems. They are come across. are approached. start to stand out and loom t'ward us all too often and dropped by the srngle white male diner forging a head-down path homeward that needs not hrs lull attention; a route that can be garnered from the marority periphery surrounding the golden tub of the amber-lit palm-top trough that sucks him rn. That rs eating him up. Wearing a kebab blindfold . . . lovely bands of 'fleshlike' carcass-ripped strips lying nicely across the bridge of the nose. Or mushroom pakora. Forked tongue. tongued fork. torqued funghi. He may well have had a companion inspector taggart. they may have wandered together bumping shoulders like big balloons. and finished at very different times. Pairing the forks by charting designs and mapping drop patterns might bring results. detectrve.

I am able to use the forks as an ongoing practise: stomping delicately on the tines' end to get the fork to leap up into yOur hand. It is a work in progress.

Ultimately we only have what rs around us and there is enough to be content with at all times if we ever believe there is enough to be content wrth

at any time. mm swims ram Alasdair (iray and a slot l'rom 50-wortl Glasgow storyteller Stephen Barnaby.

Amnesty International Gala Benefit The Stand. 33.3 Womllands Road. 08706006055. 8.30pm. £6 (£5). A host ol‘ comedy starlets sparkle in aid of the lttunari rights organisation.


Boy Chubby Brown Playhouse.

18 22 (ireensitle Place. 0870 6063424. 7.30pm. £17 (£16.50). The variety stalwart unleashes his ‘charm' ol‘l'cnsiy‘e. Be afraid . . .

001‘: Out on Tuesday The Stand. 5 York Place. 558 7272. 9pm. £6 (£5). Diminutiye Brummie lass. and Peter Kay's love interest in l’ltoenr't Nights. Jo linright headlines this gay-friendly cabaret. Support comes from Open Mic finalist Hils Barker.


Fred MacAulay lialkirk Town Hall. West Bridge Street. 0] 324 506850. 8pm. £10 (£8). See Fri 0.

Wednesday 14


Boy Chubby Brown (‘lyde Auditorium. Finnieston Quay. 0870 040 4000. 7.30mi. £16. See Tue 13.

001’ in Clasgow The Stand. 333 Woodlands Road. 0870 600 6055. 9pm. £6 (£5). The perfectly proportioned Jo linright » who popped up on Chicken Tonight and (‘itroen ads ~ headlines this gay-friendly cabaret. Mtrsical comedian Hils Barker stands-up in support.


Kin Presents Krush (‘abaret Voltaire. 36—38 Blair Street. 220 6176. 8.30--1 1.30pm. £4 (£3). ()ne-of‘l’ t‘olk‘n'word extravaganza featuring

Walkout Wednesday The Stand. 5 York Place. 558 7272. 0pm. £4 (£3). Infamous monthly exploration of all things ol‘l‘cnsiye. outrageous and downright lilthy.


Fred MacAulay Whitehall Theatre. 12 Belllield Street. 01382 434940. 8pm. £12 (£10). See Fri 9.


Boy Chubby Brown (‘lytle Auditorium. liinnieston Quay. 0870040 4000. 7.30pm. £16. See Wed 14. Jongleurs Comedy Club Jongleurs. l'(i(' Building. Renl'rew Street. 0870 787 0707. 8.15pm. £6. (ieordie japester Mickey lltrtton introduces Ronnie lidwards (see photo caption) and musical Irishman Key-in (iildea.

Giggles Mercury Lounge. 142 Bath Lane. 248 1777. 9pm. £5. Sandy Nelson regales with his own hit parade. with support from Allen ('halmers and compere Alan Anderson.

The Stand The Stand. 333 Woodlands Road. 08706006055. 9pm. £5 (£4). Leading ('anadian comic Tom Stade embraces the nose! and ridiculous. Support comes from the ballistic Raymond Mearns. John McBride and guest host Jane Mackay.


The Stand The Stand. 5 York Place. 558 7272. 9pm. £5 (£4). Jill Peacock introduces the comedic talents of John (iordon. Sandra Johnston and Woody. 0 Big Word Performance Poetry All Scotland Special The

Tron. 9 Hunter Square. High Street. 555

25"" ‘1 Ilpm £3 (£2) [be best pertormance poets conyetgc on lzdrnburgh tor a pcrlormarice poetry special l’etlormers include multiple slam winner '1 tin ltrrnbull. ()y ne's (iris \bbol. plus some earthy words troin lracy l’atrrck and poetic hopscotch trom Michael .\lc( iill .\mt.i (iosan and .lern Rolls compere l’art ol l‘dmburgh ls’ush Global Comedy llle tiltihe. \itltlrie Street. 0700‘) 552 345 ‘l 30am l-rce l-ortnightly comedy club lealuring a \ariety ol local acts \udrence members hayc the chance to w in .t case o1 beer The Snatch Club 'I he l.1t|lll(l Room. ‘lc Victoria Street. 225 2564 10.30pm 3am £ 3.50 ( £ 3) See llitr .s‘

Parsley Fred MacAulay l’aisley town llall. Abbey ('lose. 88" 1010. 8pm £10 iL'Si .SL‘C l'it'l 9.


Watson’s Wind-up (ilasgow l'lllll 'l‘heatie. 13 Rose Street. Ros (tool,

1 1.45pm. l'ree. btrt ticketed. See l‘ll 0. Men in Coats (‘ortrer ‘l'heati'e. ()3 ()3 llyridland Street. 552 4267. 8pm £10 The parka-sporting rmmesters indulge in a lilllt‘ [)llyslcal comedy ()1 the tttltlesl \aricty.

Jongleurs Comedy Club Jongleurs. l'(i(' Building. Renlrew Street. 0870 787 0707. 8.15pm. £ 1 2. See llttl l5.

Duntocher Comedy Club |)untiglennan. 68 l)trmbarton Road. Duntocher. 0138‘) 802300. ‘lpni. l-ree, l’ut—dowri master (ioi'don Brunton heads a line-up which includes .\er| Magee. Matt and l‘arron and cornpere :\lan Anderson.

The Stand The Stand. 3.33 Woodlands Road. 0870 600 6055. ‘lpm. £7 (£6). l‘r'om teenage guitarist. through (’omic Strip member. to being immortalised on the Slit/line Inrrret' “('hicken Song'. Roririre (iolden is something ol’ an entertainment polymath. He is iorried Ill his stand tip slot by Mike Milligan. John (iordon and host Jane Mackay.


The Stand The .Slalttl. .5 Yttl'ls Place. 558 7272. 9pm. £7 (£6). .-\ teleyision star in ('anada. 'l‘om Slade wings his way In these slltil'c‘s 1201' a guest appearance. llis supporting cast include the tough-talking Raymond Mear'ris and John McBride. Stisan Morrison takes compering honours.


The Long Riders Tour Dundee Rep. Tay Square. 01382 223530. 10.45pm. £8.50 (£6.50). See Sat 10.


Jongleurs Comedy Club Jongleurs. l'(i(' Building. Rentrew Street. 0870 7s7 0707. 8.l5pm. £13. See Thu 15.

The Stand The Stand. 33.3 Woodlands Road. 0870 600 6055. 0pm. £8. See Fri 16 bill with compete Strsan Morrison.

Madcap Comedy Club State Bar. 148 llolland Street. 046 028‘). 9.30pm. £5 (£4). liast end ol' (Blasgow lunny lady Janey (itttlle) pury L'_\s a \tilatlle concoction ol' lnlt'th. A host ()1 local stand-ups also join compere Billy Bonkers.


0 Dave Spikey 'l‘raserse 'l'heatre. (‘ambridge Street. 228 1404. 8pm. {L250 (£7 £3.50). I’hm'ltlt .Vlg’llh ct)— writer and British ('omedy Award nominee presents his ‘()\ernight Success' tour.

The Stand The Stand. .5 Yttt'ls Place. 553 7272. 9pm. £3. See l'il'l l(i.

Alan Francis iti: .

Ilit-ll1"litini?‘: tic") i'\.ll'i‘-1 ((‘l‘ll 't‘llll'i‘s 'l "‘ri- T" 'im". ilti'i.'.rikrrirlawtarra iii ~31. ("it {Airi' f 4:; fir.‘

BBC New Comedy Awards lltlfil‘n'f; (liiifsil "‘i''r1t;|.l'

.l ‘t‘ l toenail l'l'il"‘1l.‘ i“~ art (11‘. t Zwl‘

twir'ira .iririiwrit. ,irsi til ll'lllltffi‘l /\ill‘.1li’"‘r Lirliilltit ‘ii‘l.

rife/r an (Limits; " rh/flll

Big Word Performance Poetry All Scotland Special W'acls, Wt)rtlta'iltliiery. ()()(:1!(1 li<)()t;i:<)titli (tlltl ‘.’(‘ll)iti ltrriarr, £1l)()(lll(1lll1lllf;lillf;llltrfdlnii f§[)(}(‘.litl Ibo Iron, l'l/thJ/(ill. Hill 7.") ftldt'.

Dave Spikey Vi’iili .iri ll()1ll(l 1l()(ll()ll|f;ll()ltllll(tll()l‘ for l)(:f;l lt(:‘.‘.‘(‘.()lll(:t{t1lllirlltlllfllllrlllltal, A\.'.';iirlr;. Spike,“ bout l‘~.ll()‘.'.’ll .i‘, /)/l()(,‘/i‘/,\ /".’rt;/i.':;' .Jia'r, f3! (Llaii, (if)llllll(l(,‘f; llrt; '( )xirrriiitli! firtvurenfi tour. Juli/else Ninth". [tr/rila/rrrli. .‘St’rt' / .' l'L/7.'1l.:

Dan Antopolski lrrn tlri: surreal. cerebrer l'rr'lll(;’).’(:‘;1l|()l(: Wtrrrtlly llllilll()llia, irriar )f:l, lr'llll‘,(:(l anecdotes. fur/Irma”). / oil/it): (i/r’lfi(}()1'.’. Hit) £2" l".r'.'i;.


Kay .ltlll‘tltilll. .lttll “yntl. 0| .580 274000, 8pm. £12 (£8). Brace yoursell as our resident columnist embarks on another spontaneous and indeed combustible lliglrt o1 lancy

Sunday 18


Michael Redmond’s Sunday Service llle Stand. 333 \Vootllantls Rona, os'7o 600 on“. s. 30pm £11 ti More deadpan wit lr'om the laconic Irishman llis guests include John (iillicls and Sandra Johnston.


Bruce’s Sunday Social Fund ‘1 he Stand. 5 York Place. 558 7272 8. 30pm. £4 (£3). The snail paced l)asid Kay with support lrorn Woody and guests

Monday 19


Bed Raw The Stand. 5 York Place. 553 7272. 8,30pm. £l. laght newcomers prepare to climb the stand up ladder. and are giyen a loot tip by Martin l'uiby and host (.lll'IS (amper.

. '.' z. THE LIST 69