THE INSIDER Who’s getting up to what


I lnSIder has been celebrating. After many years kicking heels around supermarket openings and festival parties in the vain hope of catching a glimpse of Man: Pellow. Robbie Coltrane. Shirley Manson or DaVId Sneddon. it seems that Scotland. well Edinburgh actually well Lelth to be precise. is finally to get itself some A-llst celebrities. The news that 9750.000 of public money :that's your moneyi has been given to those poor underfed walfs at MTV to contribute to the cost of hosting MTV Europe Music Awards at Ocean Terminal on (3 November this year may lay sour in the belly of some people. But not InSIder. They are building a 6,000 capaCIty venue speCIflcally for the awards in Western HarbOur and that's lust to hOLise Naomi and J-Lo's mink coat collection. It's going to be paparazzi madness and maybe for just one week Insider Will be able to give up an addiction for putting Heat magazine in a blender and injecting the resulting mushy solution into the right arm.

I When Moses threw down these ten commanrlrnents and told his people to turn away fron‘ their false idols. he should have thrown in a special clause about Man United players and tight- bumped pop princesses. Psychologists at the University of Lentester have conipleted a research study Into CW8: Celebrity Worship Syndrome. They say that CWS affected around 30 ‘,~ of the people sampled and one-ln-t’cul of the respondents were so ocsessed with then idol that it affected their daily lives. The study suggested Il‘(‘:l0 were three main dimensions to celebrity worship: low. intermediate and high levels of obsession. lnszzier has long been trying to procure a prl‘. ate stalker as the pertect accesson, to a celebrity lifestyle with very little success. ls Insider moving in the wrong soCIai- pathological Circles er :s Lewester One messed up place'.’

I If there is a modern classic l'i the field Of political comic books it's Joe Sacco's Pa/esme. an ir‘yestigatlon into the lilstOry behind these diminishing homelands. Recently picked up for a UK edition by Jonathan Cape. the book and Waterstone's have recently incurred

the .'.'ra‘." of the Board of Deputies of British Jews whc demanded that It be '.'.*.thd'2 .‘.'n fron‘ the chain on the grounds that It 'contalr‘s numerOus references to Jews Ill general and not Just Israel's. The tone of these references is quite unacceptable' To its credit. ‘v‘Jaterstone's said that it operates a non—censorship policy arvl will not honour the request.

I University research departments have certainly been busy of late. Sue Clayton fron‘ the University of London has revealed her research into the blueprint for the perfect money- making movie. The film must have 30' w act on. t? comedy. 13% good \. evil. 12". love sex romance. 10" special effects. 10% plot and 8" lt‘u81c. The argument. however, falls apart when Calyton reveals that the results ere based on the analysis of multiplex rinser. fodder such as l\ottlng H. . De another Day and Titan/c. Furthern‘Ore. Clayton's methods she's. a stunning lacs of comprehension: has she not realised that her ‘great discovery is a ferritula which HOIIy\'.’OOCi studio executives have been applying to movies fOr years? Anyway. “181de would never be seen anywhere but in an arthouse

Ma name is Badge Shady

cinema. and eagerly awaits the dag. when the School of food and Fisheries can prove that popcorn is :ndeed the work of Lucifer

The chips are down“-

I Before lnslder threw the TV out in a state of Jade Goody overexposure. the favoured TV commercial was the one with Lucky the dog and his

exasperated owner's search for till". If

only Luckys o.-.ner had gone to the National Canine Defence League '.'.' has Just started offering a nilcrochlpping semce to track your hound fer a paltry $9.50. If you are on Me dole or the ironically-named Jot;

Seeker's Alloy-.lance y0u can be means

tested and get your mutt bugged fOr free. Then when your dog runs

away because yOll can't afford to feed

him, you can track him her down and return their to a life of penury.

The Front

‘The sort of music Louis plays always goes on for fucking hours and sounds the same. The best bit about it is the end

‘I find them very tedious to

make.’ 1',.‘""()’, " . "'f~'l 'r \ ' I. ' ’H’

I ' h!) 0")!

‘She is one of the greatest talents I’ve ever heard.’


“41., r' ._ "' '."' timi' xi,

‘If I had to choose between an evening with Robert De Niro or Alex Ferguson, it would be Alex Ferguson every time.’ If.” [in ,".l, ‘y‘.

.'.'le um" f'tgrw,‘ to

‘I once sent Frank Sinatra a song called ‘Suicide’. I thought it was quite good, but apparently he thought I was taking the mickey.’

ma 7:.‘(ftifl'le’l The/.21; or 81...; f ',t’.‘; by“ tea" ( L’7i' .:' IL". tulwfl ‘His music may play a role rather like the haka in helping players reach an aroused, competitive state.’ film; ,'l.'{‘,t.',’l 2w;:;,'..' in“: {our} v,>-.;)/;1//l',

L‘,/l\ [’i‘ll’t’D" f’lt.‘

i‘llTZ‘tje' e." .:,.'e.'l..rr(1 to! Illa/ll. top

[Nuts/l -‘/):).'.’l.'1/.' s/n'es,

‘Fame isn’t intense. Intense

is having £300 rent to pay, only a tin of tuna to eat and someone owes you 60 quid for a gram of


The Streets' Mike Skinner ls tu/l'v alt/are upon which s/de hr}; part/(:u/ar bread

has been .‘)uttr.w,>d.

32 Ma, m 224'), me LIST 9