INSIDER Who’s getting up to what

Choosing my religion

I lnSrder has spent half a lifetrme tryrng to frnd a relrgron that strcks lrke old chewrng gum on an unvarnrshed church pew but has generally found that too many farths rnvolve hours of hypocrrsy rn sub zero temperatures So rt was wrt‘r some alarm that InSIder felt the call to Mecca thrs week. courtesy of some very rrvxentrve shopkeepers. The CCA on

The Front


‘The mechanics thought I was too cold and did everything to warm me up.’

‘I love ironing - it’s so therapeutic.‘

‘I don’t get the whole angst thing. Radiohead have sold twenty million albums and they’re still miserable? I can tell you from personal experience, it’s not that bad.’

‘When I meet someone they expect me to instantly be that best mate for them, and occasionally you get up with a shit in your pocket and you don’t want to talk to anyone.’ AM." '.‘.".‘f,‘ TH}! {Nil/71:2 W710 rut/m; N”, no o/wp'obafr. .‘._r'".",‘5 f.) in» .'<‘ l


old Sauchrehall Street in Glasgow was the last place Insrder expected to recerve a Vrsron. housrng as rt does the

Glasgow arm of The List. a place InSrder likes to go to he under the desks after another lrdurd lunch. It seems hov-rever that the 24-hour shop to the left of the CCA has deeded to add the letters ME to therr frontage. wrth obvrous effect. InSrder loves thrs and believes proprreIOrs across the world should be grven grants to enc0urage such errant wordplay.

80. Just imagrne rf a little teashop were to open up to the rrght of TWA arrlrnes.

I |nsomnra. a lust for cellophane wrapped fresh frurt and Elvrs postcards have forced Insrder‘ to hang around Prestwick Airport of late. And who would have thunk rt’? lnsrder never thought Prestwrck \.-.rould be a haven for B lrst celebrrtres. but so rt proved. Not only drd we see Mel C and the farled results of the famous lr'rsh clonrng experrment Westlrfe but also the natron's favourrte ex<Mensa member Carol Smrllre. For Ryanarr. rt seems all therr blue. blue Chrrstmases seem to have come at once.

I Art rage: rt's lrke road rage but you get to drrnk loads of cheap red wrne and make small talk at gallen openrngs Wrth people you would usually throw yourself under a bus to £l\’0|(l. There's been a lot of rt about recently. most of rt rnternalrsed by yours truly. We have two tales we Just have to let out. lnsrder‘ was standrng rn the lngleby Gallery rn Edrr‘.burgh rust the other day at the openrng of a rather frne fragrle rrrrxed artrst exhrbrtron called l‘r/hrfe. Ponderrng on a iaVOLll'liG‘ lrne from the play Art. lnSrder saw somethrng out of the comer of an eye. There was a rather revoltrng young boy -chrld runnrng around Wlill a brown and black plastic hammer. The thought that

frrst entered Insrder's head was: “What krnd of a moron brrngs a hyperactrve chrld to a genteel event lrke thrs and then cannot control them'?' lnsrder's hackles really began to rrse when thrs dernonrc apparrtron decrded to take a destructrve rnterest rn the delrcate ceramrcs of Edmund de ‘."‘.’aal. one of the shows hrghrrghts. Hothouse borstals are clearly the only solutron. The other gallery tale 2 haxe to drscuss rnvolves the recent MFA Interrm Show at the Glasgow School of Art and. rn partrcular. an rnterestrng prece of work by one Yeo Chee Krong. The Th/rd Tab/e rs essentrall‘, two coffee tables frlled wrtlr Chrnese rnk. Well. rt was untrl a lady of unconfirmed stature sat rn rt durrng a moment of grand folly. People. show some respect you are really lettr'tg lnsrder' doxzrn lte'e.

I For years. lrrsrder has been Il‘yl'lg to get on the nontrnatron lrst for the Nobel Peace Prize. You n‘a‘. have seen lnsrder krssrng babres and pressrng paln‘s at many a chant; functron as well as \rsrtrngt :::>or people to offer them rob creatron schemes whrle haxrng no rntentron cf paring any personal money rr‘to at all. Perhaps that's the wrong it: go aberrt thrngs. The "ews that George

‘I will be belle of the ball.’ Just .‘.’/’<) ./.’1.'7e.'.‘§.’.'ee.' l’rrrfe' fr; :'l(;

to corr‘w/ree?’

‘I think I’m popular because people feel sorry for me. They think: “Poor old boy, he’s been around for years.

Tel/r. ‘.'/o_gac hrfr; fire rmx/ rrr‘ .‘frr; flea/I.

\"v’ Bush and Tony b‘lar haxe been m placed on the Nobel Peace Prr/e nontrnatron lrst certarr‘l', came as a

shock. lt seerrrs the new defrnrtron of a ‘we went to several sma"

islands in the Pacific. I’d spend my time trying to catch a fish.’

Cerys r‘flafffiews f/N/HU/f‘g'

peacenraker rs to be a '.'.’£tr'n‘()rl(;errn(;. orl»pun‘prng. rr‘arketborrrbrng. colony- formrng rmperralrst.

comp/emf"; lire/r} after the {up she for»? to reeo/m from her alco/rerrs/rr.

9n the mone with -'r' his Brown ny

I Frrrally. lrrsrder ‘.'.’£tf; hear that Vrrtr:ent Gallr, had apologrsed at Cannes tor llfj‘f.“ crap hrs new frlm. The B’e‘mr Bunny, .vas.

yer, upset to

\‘y’hrch n‘ear‘rs rt w:ll probany never see the lrght of da, ouer ftere. At rts core. the flm rs a t.- rrde across Arr‘errrxr that ends

.do-nrxrr rr‘otrxeycle 3.;th an rrr‘t)re.‘;8!‘.'(: bionzgor: ‘rcr actress Chloe Se‘.rgn.. Gallo. 'en'mrterl for us extrerr‘el‘, large penrs. a leare'rtr, spews The .rexnf:r not". rig. People. we are herrrg de'rred trie- money shot of the year

I love lucid

"a , .' THE LIST 11