. Holy ‘. 3. g;_._makeover misery


I It has to be the worst idea ever. Insider has had serious doubts about reality TV since being made to watch reruns of the original 1964 7 Up Granada television documentary while being fed broken biscuits by a very old couple in a house that smelled of urine and fermented rabbit skins. but that's another story. Things have gone from bad to worse in the last ten years with the public being forced to go through a whole range of pointless life experiences with the sort of peOpIe who come from genetic gene puddles as diminished as their tiny personalities. Things. of course. changed and along came the ‘make- over’ show. a mutation of the reality/fIy-on-the-wall genre mixed with the pseudo dynamic psychology of an A level theology student. All of which brings Insider unhappin to Zero to Hero, Channel 4‘s newest week night brain drain. Here‘s the pitch (all delivered over a sea of morning bagels. Starbucks coffee and Thomas Pink shirts): Live and (needs a good) Kicking's Trey Farley gives two comic book fans the chance to turn themselves into real life superheroes. A leading commix artist helps them to design their character‘s look and then the contestants have one day to build the equipment they need to embark on a superhero mission. Tasks they are to undertake include climbing a sheer, 40ft metal wall. walking on water or breaking out of an ice prison. All of which adds up to one big patronising waste of time for genuine fans of one of the truly great modern art forms. How Clean is Your House? More like how clean are your nasal passages. media people?

I So George Clooney is to start filming a £19m blockbuster in Scotland early next year. Does he want a badge? The way the various Scottish film funding bodies are claiming credit for attracting Clooney and Steven Soderbergh's Section

Tam bites dog

he Raking through the dustbin of gossip and trivia

Rector Tam

I Insider is delighted to see dadaist politics re-enter academia. It was announced this week that Off Side presenter Tam Cowan is in the running for a top post at Glasgow University. He's been nominated by students to run as rector (whatever the hell that entails) when Chewin' the Fat star Greg Hemphill steps down. Tam will allegedly be up against ex-Rangers captain Barry Ferguson and an Alsatian dog. Time to make a deal with the

dog. Tam.

Could it be fagic?

Eight production company. it seems they certainly want one. Whispers that the seven-week shoot will generate £63m for the Scottish economy are probably hugely overrated. It will. however. be interesting to see how many watchable home-grown movies are released towards the back end of next year after this Yankee cash cow has been summarin slaughtered.

I In preparation for the up and coming Erotica Exhibition at Olympia in London. Insider has been experimenting with various household implements that have been left behind in the council storeroom Insider calls home. Erotic lamps. mirrored ceilings and digital auto asphyxration devrces may be for the moneyed classes. But Insider has found that by placmg an old mop handle between naked buttocks and standing in the breeze of a vigilante mob-smashed window

while hanging from a discarded washing line with a piece of rotting washing machine belt can actually bring on a feeling of erotic elation known as Hutchenceania (please don't call the police Insider only does this on a Sunday when everyone else in the block has gone to church).

I OK. OK it's been a slow couple of weeks. what else can Insider tell yOu? Eric McCormack. aka Will in Will and Grace. has been chosen to play Freddie Mercury in Elton John's new Queen-centred Broadway musical. Not a bad faCIal match. as it goes. but the real question should be who will play Mercury's friend. the DJ and comedian Kenny Everett. May Insider suggest The Office's Mackenzie Crook? Dan Hawkins of the Darkness is said to be considering the role of Brian May. Dougal from The Magic Roundabout is rumoured to be geing for the role of Roger Taylor.

I One last little story that tickled Insider's fancy. David Blaine emerged from his perspex box the other week to find himself wrthout a girlfriend. Manon the German model found some count or something to marry while Blaine was doing bird for excessive egotism. Don't worry. David. you can buy a room full of hookers wrth those up and coming sponsorship deals.

The Front

‘She played me a few cuts and they were boflocks,sol helped her out.’ Hip hop producer Damon Dash is less than complimentary about the more poppy effon‘s from his new client. Victoria Beckham. ‘Have you seen EastEnders recently? It’s not a soap, it’s a Guy Ritchie wet dream.’

Julie Burch/ll dips into the world of fantasy.

‘School plays are universally shite.’

He once tack/ed world hunger. but it '3 nice to see that Bob Geldof is now concentrating on the real issues.

‘We want to disappear into a black hole of the unknown.’ Thom Yorke with the news all non- Radiohead fans have been waiting to hear for years.

‘It’s rewarding to know that I join such a great list of stars supporting Unicef.’

Good to know that Shakira is doing the charity thing for all the right reasons.

‘There’s something dreadfully puerile about people’s interest in seeing nudity on stage. I blame that sniggering boarding school mentality.’

Glynis Barber hits out at the reaction to her fully clothed stage version of Mrs Robinson.

‘I found a song that’s never been recorded before so you won’t have heard it until I release it as a single. It’s called ‘Santa’s List’.’

Cliff Richard launches his challenge to the Darkness and the Pop Idol Winner for the Christmas Number One spot.

‘I’m unbelievably lazy and sometimes I hardly even manage to brush my teeth.’

Catherine Zeta-Jones (be/ow) tries to show us her non- glamorous srde.

Lazy and dirty of tooth?

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