! o ' I Raking through the dustbin of gossip and trivia l


I ‘And you. and your sweet desire. You took me. higher and higher / It's a livin' thing, It’s a terrible thing to lose/ It's a given thing, What a terrible thing to Iose'. Yes Insider has spent the last two weeks trying to befriend a bunch of Electric Light Orchestra fanatics who live under Tourness power station, on the off chance that they may take this wizened hack in with the offer of protection from the MTV deluge. It didn't work. Jeff Lynne himself turned in the middle of one of the many fireside jamborees and denounced the gathered throng as charlatans before scattering all and sundry to the seven winds. So it was that Insider could be found wandering into Princes Street Gardens on the night of Thursday 6 November 2003 to witness the transformation of the nice cultured youth of Scotland's capital into a bunch of Heat magazine-defecating pond lite. The first thing that greeted Insider on entering the park was a young man of slightly lower breeding who insisted on asking Insider which channel MTV was broadcast on, and from there the night went from tedious to worse. Jane's Addiction. Chemical Brothers and other assorted con men filled their allotted time but where was the Chutzpah? Where was the glamour? Beyonce and Tlmbertoes were in town but they wouldn't lower themselves to play for their half frozen fans in the park. Insider unfortunately lost a couple of litre bottles of Frosty Jack cider and a hip flask full of Bucktast to the bouncers, which meant standing through the debacle stone cold sober. This did. however. give Insider a chance for cogitation on what had been gained by this invasion of the famous and ungracious. The answer is nothing really, a rise in council tax bills perhaps for the good people of Auld Peekie and the joy of watching nedettes staring into Harvey Nicks on the off chance of catching Christina Aguilera slipping a Max Factor stick down her thong

when she thinks no one is watching. Would this opponunity really have been such a terrible thing to lose ’?

I If you are going to be a comedy terrorist. it helps to maybe have the

sick, mischievous wit of Bill

Drummond (yes. him of the KLF

fame) and the comic timing of Bill

Hicks. Aaron Barschak, the hairy man who interrupted Wee Prince

Willie's birthday bash has neither but

he does show an uncanny ability to attract the attention of the authorities. Barschak was recently found guilty of throwing paint over artist Jake Chapman and one of his artworks. Barschak was ordered to pay $3300 and threatened with a custodial sentence. Chapman. on the other hand. was given a damn good wash

I (possibly for the first time this year)

and a Turner Prize nomination.

Who's helping who here? In the words of Led Zep. ‘Ooh, it makes me wonder'.

I Hero of the fortnight has to be Garry ‘Stretch’ Thrner who clipped 150 pegs to his face at the launch of the 2004 Guinness Book of Records at the Amdale Centre in Manchester. He actually hoped to clip more than 153 to his face. which

i would have enabled him to beat the

world record. Disappointed Turner disappeared soon after the event. He is thought to have been kidnapped by gypsies. Wherever you are Garry,

you will always be hero to Insider. who currently holds the record for holding sprigs of lucky heather clenched in the anal tract for over a week.

I Pop rock hip hop duo Tenacious D are to go on a 45-day hunger strike in a glass box above Time Square in New York. They will only emerge early if world hunger ends. there is peace in the Middle East and their new album The Complete Masterworks goes platinum. Neither of them has ever gone more than 12 hours (sleeping) without food.

Tenacious D to follow in Blaine's footsteps

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Mil . ESiegrrieai mystery

I As Roy Horn of magic duo Siegfried and Roy lays at death's door in a LA hospital after one of his tigers mauled him, redneck fans are beginning to let it be known that their lives are not worth living without the cheeseball bouffanted magic of the franchise that is Seigfried and Boy.

Yet rumours abound that Siegfried is in fact an impostor who was brought in secretly years ago after hours of plastic surgery when the real Siegfried died of AIDS. Terry the Tiger clearly never forgave them for being


The Front

‘I sampled some haggis. It was pretty cool.’

Justin Timber/ake


verdict on the only

Scottish food Americans have ever heard of.

‘This is my show and if anyone’s going to be getting the award for showing the most skin, it’s me.’

Christina Aguilera makes one promise she definitely kept at the MTV bash.

‘Broadway, as I’m sure you’ve come to realise, is not a place for the feint of heart. Open next week, and Taboo is doomed.’

New York theatre critic Michael Riedel gives advice to Boy George about his Broadway debut.

‘I’m a real woman, not a model.’

Jessie Wallace. aka Kat Slater, hits back at critics who claim she ’s a porker.

‘There will be uninhibited nudity and sizzling sexuality.’ A worrying statement from the US TV production company behind the latest reality TVatrocity, dubbed ‘porn idol'.

‘I dumped my drink over a guy’s head after he bad- mouthed me. I was so angry at being kicked out of the pub that I went and pissed in some front yard.’

The delightful Pink describes a recent quiet night Out.

‘The next thing I am going to do is a crazy one. I can tell you it has to do with me falling from a helicopter into a river. It’s called “dive of death”.’ We can't wait, David Blaine.

13—27 Nov 2003 THE LIST 9