l O Raking through the dustbin of gossip and trivia

The Front

' theouotes

Farewell to the king

I As the year draws to a close. InSider would like to remember friends. heroes and fools. Farewell David Hemmings. who died recently of a heart attack at the age of 62. He was about as iconographic as it got when it comes to 00s cinema and had spent his last years cultivating an eyebrow and ear hair farm for Jobbing actors. Also big respect to John Travolta for saying 20 students trapped in a lift at a New York college. All 20 are now the proud owners of signed DVDs of lravolta's Scientological epic Battleship Earth. Suddenly the Inside of the lift does not seem so unappealing.

I Now a quick message from those fabulous Glasgow Fabulous boys: ‘We are doing a Christmas card come mini—comic to the hipsters of Glasgow this year. We'll be distributing 10.000 copies. mainly in Glasgow. lOZlVlllt] it like flyers around the fashion heartlands of the city. Inside it contains the full l-lar/‘i the I/aiiipii‘e Slayer. uncensored so the world can finally see how big Horse Face John and Wank Mag Willie's cocks are. We'll also be happy to send a copy to any List reader who emails us at yuIe-be- lucky'Oiglasgow

El fabulouscom. ., Thanks boys: you are gods of the strip.

Bad sex epitomised on book and film

Bad bunkeibustei

I Some time back Insider liked to hang out with tax exiles in Marbella. By their nature, tax exiles tend to be frauds and gangsters of limited intelligence and overriding greed. Insider liked to spend the siesta hours turning a shade of burnt crisp while listening to stories of how ‘Ronnie and Reggie were at the baptism of our daughter Fl, they were ready to kill that chap she ran away with at 15. It all sorted itself out though. she lives with a plumber in Margate now.“ Boredom gave way to more probing from Insider about the mating habits of your average Cockney racist. It was an avalanche of putrid confession. ‘Oh me and V. we go for hours, you know. I can't see the difference to the way I perform now and how I was when l was a teenager.’ Insider nodded sager and signalled to the waiter to bring a daiquiri and a fistful of Ouaaludes. Later that night Vera took Insider to one side and told the truth. whispering: ‘It's all lies. He hardly ever gets it up any more. maybe once a month and then he comes before I can drop my knickers. I’m forever cleaning it off the floor tiles in the bedroom.‘ It was with these queasy thoughts in mind that Insider waited for the outcome of the Literary Review Bad Sex Award 2003. For once it seems the critics made the right choice, and the limp dick money was always on Aniuddha Bahal. author of Bunker 13. It takes a pervert of Cartland- esque proportions to write lines like: 'She sandwiches your nozzle between her tits. massaging it with a slow rhythm. A trailer to bookmark the events ahead. For now she has taken you in her lovely mouth. Your palms are holding her neck and thumbs are at her ears regulating the speed of her head as she swallows and then sucks up your machinery.’ Genius.

‘I’m 31 years old and I’m a nerd.’ Gwyneth Paltrow on her non-partying lifestyle.

‘Britney went from being a

hip young thing to someone

who wants to be slutty, but she can’t quite pull the tfiggen’

David Poland, movie website editor,

gives his theory on why there are more

internet sites dedicated to hating Ms

Spears than Saddam and Dubya put

together. Seems a mite harsh, though.

‘Ben told me he doesn’t want to see his picture on the cover of another magazine ever again.’

Matt Damon reports that his showbiz pal Affleck has been using his shoulder to cry on lately We can only heartily agree with Ben '3 analysis.

‘I don’t want to step on stage with someone wearing a fucking coronet and sporting the old ermine. I told Mick it’s a fucking paltry honour.’ Keith Richards launches an attack on his S toner pal after Jagger finally fixed a date to receive his knighthood.

‘l’d do it and Jimmy [Nesbitt] said he’d do it.’

John Thomson stirs up the Cold Feet comeback debate. . .

‘It was a huge privilege to do something so popular but it’s oven’

. . . Only for Hermione Norris to pour cold water on those plans.

‘The transformation of Jack into Brad Pitt is mind-boggling.’ Kelly Osbourne on her brother '3 sex god status. No, really.

I COuncil workers: you can't love them and you're not allowed to kill them (well, not until the Tories get back in 2005). it seems now we have to like them because Phil ‘I am going to retire soon, honest’ Collins has sent the staff of Westminster Council a luxury hamper after two of their wardens found and returned his Wife's discarded purse next to a litter bill after it had been sWiped by a pickpocket. Ahh. how magnanimous. But hold on, he's a multi millionaire and that is one

cheap tyke! InVisible Touch indeed.

I And further down the road on the Siegfried and Roy hospital watch. Roy is said to be making progress.

hamper between two grown adults.

Insider has been informed (iii a pub by a bloke who bothers to read the whole

#4 The Pitt 1

of Popbitch). That footage of the attack has revealed that Roy may have had a stroke before the tiger Montecore ate him.

I Finally, the tournament to end them all this Christmas has to be Choir idols. Part of Glasgow's Festival of Choirs. Ruffles and rejections. How cool is that? In the (son of) words of Simon Cowell, ‘lnsider

doesn't want to be rude but . . . sing I-lalleluiah child! Merry Christmas Pagans.

: 1 Dec 2003—8 Jan 2004 THE LIST 9