Insider's hopes and fears for 2004. In all the years that Insider has cavoned. philandered. snorted. sniffed. extracted and generally tried to urinate on every freebie. blag. 'l'm with the press honest' cultural event that takes place in and around the environs of Auld Reekie and the Weege. there have been things that happen that drive Insider to distraction. So here are a few New Year's resolutions come public wishes on how Insider will be dealing with the sedimentary scum that always manages to float to the surface in the arts in Scotland.

I Kids Insider is in the process of setting up a training camp just outside Cumbernauld to help male parents to get back in touch with their inner Victorian dad. Children. basically. are shitty. horrible bags of flesh who manage to turn everything they touch into stick and mess. Kids should be bound and gagged at all times when entering an art gallery. a design bookshop. a cinema or a theatre. Parents who let their kids do what they want at such events (you know the type. Steiner school worshipping. mung bean dress. liquorice stick buyers) should have their children removed and placed in the care of a motherly but strict matron who resembles Hattie Jacques and whose large functioning rag and bone yard is funded entirely by exorbitant taxes on the Morningside and Kelvinside parts of either city.

I Moblle phones Insider will spend the next year lobbying Parliament to bring in legislation against people who ring their friends up at gigs and hold their mobile aloft so they can hear that yes. Starsailor have discovered the antidote for insomnia and no. parental alcoholism does not

immediately lend an artist's songs a ' burnished. tinged. lyrical quality.

I Smelly people Insider intends to have the underground baths that once riddled these two great cities reopened as brutalist shower down

camps for peOple who cannot be

bothered to wash or brush their teeth before they step into the void of an enriching night out. You know who you are. and you know if the truth be told you deserve a damn good skin

_ peeling.

I Oveholflcious bouncers Bouncers. like policemen, live in a

hinterland of peacock brained trepidation and sometimes it all gets too much for them and they flip. They think in terms of military manoeuvres and believe that the best way to get 400 mildly pissed people out of a venue is to scream. spit. threaten and generally act like a cotton trousered guerrilla. Meanwhile. what was an enjoyable night turns into fearful.

panicked herd of wildebeest who

spew into the drunk driver traffic

outside. Insider has already received a - grant from the League of

Cantankerous Punters to set up a fully registered bouncer school to be run in the way of the Samurai. These big boys and girls will be taught that if they mess up. they must commit hara-kiri by impaling themselves on

the rubber antennas of their walkie


I I Necklng A few years ago Insider . travelled the villages and hamlets of

this beautiful country and offered the spectacle of public hangings for the heinous crime of PDAs (Public

Displays of Affection). It went down . very well but the mob became bloodthirsty and started demanding

the return of the guillotine (at which

point the French became involved

and it all went a bit corporate for

Insider's taste there are some share certificates in a drawer round here

somewhere though). Anyway. there is nothing worse than having to stand or

. sit behind a kissing couple. Bromide pills laced with arsenic are really the

only solutions here. Always carry them with you.

' I Stand-up comedy audiences

There is a fine line between a heckler and a retard who thinks he (because

3 these pond dwellers are invariably

men) should be up on stage. These remnants of humanity need to realise

that they are ruining the show for

everyone. Dicing. slicing and a good saline bath are clearly the only


' I Large people This category also

takes in big haired people. It is a gross generalisation (as you know. Insider loves to deal in them) but the

people of this land generally possess j good. strong Celtic legs and stocky , bodies. The last thing these

Hobbitean gods and goddesses need is a tree in their way when they are trying to take in theatrical. musical or other cultural events. Have a heart.

stand at the back. The front of the auditorium is for the chosen ones. the ones who shall inherit the earth.

j There is so much more: plastic

. glasses, red dots in galleries. peOple ' with rucksacks at gigs.

merchandising. popcorn, spitting,

catty gay men. men in yellow cords

and hush puppies. women with bells on their sandals who smell of

patchouli oil and historical re- enactments. but the venom is gone now and Insider must return to that

dustbin of trivia and gossip for another year. Until then. salut!

; theouotes'

The Front

‘It’s the ultimate statement to her fans featuring 52 pages of success, rare and unseen shots commented by an icon and her angels.’ Nice to see Madonna has a level- headed view of herself as her website announces the launch of yet another bloody book.

‘This is unacceptable. There is no way I’m staying here.’ Nell McAndrew rejects the Dunkirk spirit when checking out her fair to middling accommodation on a highly successful morale-boosting visit to British troops in Iraq.

‘l’m prepared to make a very embarrassing confession: I’ve never done it with three or four women at the same time.’ Ewan McGregor. With an embarrassrng confession.

‘Basically, I’m acting because of the women. I don’t care much about the money. Frankly, if I get the chance to kiss someone in a film, they wouldn’t need to pay me at all.’

Orlando Bloom with the kind of honesty that makes this country great.

‘He did this crazy turn thing and he literally attached himself to my chin and then didn’t let go. I had to get a rabies shot. I didn’t provoke him at all.’

The old ‘working animal' adage comes true for Ben Stiller after a ferret took a shine to him on the set of Along Came Polly.

‘We’re all just a little bit out of our bodies.’ Jennifer Aniston describes the otherworldly atmosphere among the Friends cast as they record the last ever episodes.

Body doubles

8—22 Jan 2004 THE LIST 9