i I ' Raking through the dustbin of gossip and trivia

I Insider is in a sickly fug. Something happened on the way to a weekly appointment wrth the magic mushroom dealer who lives in a cage at the back of a tobacconist down Leith Walk and somehow ended up with a fist full of high dosage malaria tablets and is now in an advanced state of hallucination and illness. 80 if this week's column reads like a Tony Parsons bleating under the weight of Michael Winner and Germaine Greer. then apolOgies. But then again. what's new. people?

First up. lardy old David Shayler. the remarkable self-publiCIst and MFI (sorry that's MlSl whistle blower put himself forward to become the next rector of Dundee. He went head to head with Lorraine Kelly and BBC Scotland's Lesley Riddoch. Mr Shayler

Shayler - l-lustings bound

was a student at Dundee between 1984—89 and in his spare time he worked on his 'poor-me-don't-l-look- likeHollywoodcharacter-actor-Oliver- Platt' routine courtesy of the college drama society. Pie eating and reversible coats were said to be somewhere in his manifesto. The voting students were naturally enthralled but oddly enough. he orin scored a paltry f 70 votes compared With Kelly's winning tally of 580.

I Reality TV stupidity has finally reached Croatia. previously a bastion of downmarket millionaires and crabby au pairs. Production company Urban Jungle is looking for a group of England football supporters to sail with a group of Croat fans on a 1.400 mile trip across the Mediterranean for the Euro 2004 finals in Portugal. Hooligantasfic! Trawler crash television never looked so promising. Has anyone got any plant killer to go With these malaria tablets. by the way? Insider would be so grateful.

I It was only a matter of time before the real Fight Club came to a town near you so here it is in all its macho glory. SW/PE.’ allows 20 competitors. who have no boxing experience. to represent their professions in three one—minute rounds of competitive boxrng. Followrng eight weeks of intensive training the matches will be fought between teams from various

professions. So firemen will get the chance to beat the crap out of policemen. journalists out of MSPs. bankers out of fraudulent accountants. This gladiatorial dumb

The Uncle Devil Show - Beret satire

The men from Uncle

I Now there is nothing Insider enjoys more than a good old fashioned musical spoof Insider is the proud owner of Arthur Mullard and Hilda Baker's entire musical back catalogue (proof if it were needed that there are some things you just can't shift on Ebay, no matter how many suicidal Japanese teenagers now watch 19808 British TV reruns). So it was with some excitement that Insider unwrapped a pre-release copy of the debut album of The Uncle David Show. It is called A Terrible Beauty and attempts to do for the cappuccino drinking 60$ boho beatnik pseudo jazz funk fusion pop merchants what the film A Mighty Wind did for the twee folk music artist. After a while of listening to these not totally unpleasant parodies which have names like ‘Leonardo’s Bicycle', ‘Gilbert O'Sullivan' and ‘I Had a Drink About You Last Night', Insider fell into a snooze and dreamt that Justin Currie from Del Amitri and Kevin McDermot (of the, erm. Orchestra) were flushing Insider's head down the inside of a bongo drum-shaped loo bowl. Insider awoke to find an old hard-bitten music journo friend had removed the headphones and was listening to the said CD, muttering all the time under his breath: ‘This is the worst piece of pastiche shite I've heard since the Cosmic Rough Riders and at least they took this kind of crap seriously.’ Too many nights of frustration in the dank and sweaty old Barrowlands can clearly tarnish all men’s souls.

soon. If you are between 20 and 45 and interested in competing contact swipe f @hotmailcom.

filing a special report from stateside. Hollywood Outsider knows nothing

still wants to tell you all about them. Enjoy. nursey is here. Insider had better lie down now.

down will take place in east Edinburgh

I Finally. Insider is going into rehab for a few weeks so will not be around for the next issue. Insider's American cousin Hollywood Outsider will be

about the stars of the strip but he

The Front

. theftuotes

‘Ever since Reservoir Dogs I’ve been known as Mr Blond, but that’s all about

to fucking change. When people see Budd in full flow, they really ain’t gonna forget him.’ Michael Madsen discusses his ‘serious/y dark and seriously nasty' role in Kill Bill: Vol 2. Shifting myself already.

‘The selection of Timberlake as co-host of this Motown special is a cultural insult to the black community. This special, celebrating the success of the legendary music label, should not be compromised in the pursuit of a crossover audience.’ Presumably Rock Your Body isri 't on Project Islamic HOPE executive director Na/ee Ali's Desert Island Discs list.

‘I’m afraid of dying alone, that no one I love will be with me when my life ends. But the idea of drowning scares me more than anything else.’ Hal/e Berry takes time out from whistling a happy tune.

‘I dream of not having to speak. I dream of having access to a piano.’

Anthony Minghe/la speaks out about his post-Cold MOunta/‘n vow of silence. Not working too well, is it?

‘His act is seen as very old school and he has a reputation for not doing anything innovative or exciting. They don’t understand how he has become famous when there are talented people around doing more exciting things.’ Chortle editor Steve Bennett on his comedy website '3 poll which dubbed Peter Kay as the most over- rated current British (JO/THC.

Over- rated?

4 I8 Mar 2004 THE LIST 9