What's their schtick? Gimmick?

Where have I seen

them before?

What we said about them . ..

Use Brian Donaldson and Mark Robertson’s instant ready reckoner to deduce just who is the comic for you.

If they were a criminal what would their crime be?

26 THE LIST .1


Offspring of debonair actor Tom but not to be confused with the pugilist John Conteh. Played a ‘weeping Jehovah's witness' in Holby City.

Reviving the truly unfashionable tradition of ventriloquism. And actually being pretty good at it.

‘She teeters on in high heels. giggles and blushes and is upstaged by her monkey.‘

Cruelty to animals. After all, she does have her hand up a monkey’s arse all day.

Straddling the Twin Towers in a 9/11 'tribute‘ show. being the country & western Dame Edna and singing ditties like ‘ls My Ring Too Tight For Your Finger?”.

So is being a meek looking fella called Chris Green on the weekdays not enough?

‘Rather more Savagely- chested than Dolly Parton. Tina C puts the “tran” in transatlantic for buckets of in- flight entertainment.’

Theft. She’s robbed the songs of Tammy, the tongue of Graham Norton and the dress sense of Dame Edna

. and got away with it.

Made his Edinburgh Fest solo debut with Gentlemen Prefer Brogues. Also Archie on kids‘ TV fave Ba/amory. Or probably just out birching peasants.

Being part of the landed gentry but not being thick.

‘This posh twat bequeaths a class act.‘

Reckless driving. Caught running over his man- servant with a tractor. Knew the judge. Bunged him a wad. Case dismissed.

Not his real name. by the way. The man formerly known as Jim Muir has given up teaching and started saving souls in his own rabid. televangelical style.

Successfully combining preacher and pervert in equal measure.

‘Laugh? I almost shat myself.’

Where do you start? Embezzlement, bigamy, indecent exposure. like good ole Jimmy Swaggart he‘s up for - and to - everything.

w: Mm :2“ '1

He‘s the man who put the foot into football. the leg into legend and the cock into Miss Kirkcaldy.

Booze and the beautiful game and booze.

‘The grubby old gobshite of Scottish football is back with a precisely executed, half- arsed gameshow.‘

Shoplifting. Would probably be caught with a bottle of DVD in his jacket pocket and a VHS copy of Footballers’ Burdz under his arm.

Oddly for a rabid revolutionary. loves nothing more than a spot of cricket in the Kent summer.

Proving that politics and comedy do mix.

‘He's that rarest of dying beasts. a committed socialist who believes comedy can be political without being bombastic.‘

Part of a protest march. Dunno what it would be against though . . . what have you got?

The booze boutique proprietor has a secret double life. He is obsessed with drums. and drummers. Actually rates Phil Collins. For his drumming.

Xenophobia. Well. Francophobia mainly.

‘Despite having played the French-loathing. Queen Liz- adoring Little Englander for eight years. there‘s no reason

for Murray to call time on him.‘

Race crime and GBH. Caught beating an unwitting tourist who mistakenly asked for a ‘Perrier with ice’.

Has spent years combining close-up magic with torrents of abuse. Is the man who helped propel Derren Brown to infamy. recommending him to Channel 4.

Card tricks and paranoia.

‘The tricks act as a prop to hang his amphetamine—paced patter of bile and venom as he abuses everything and everyone.‘

Breach of the peace. He isn’t sexist, racist or homophobic. Apparently. Sadowitz hates EVERYONE.


The high priestess of alt. comedy. The highlight? On a TV panel for Eurovision 2002 she admitted to not knowing where host nation Latvia was.

Popularising tirades about Femidoms. and inventing that French patisserie favourite. Well, maybe ‘invented’ is a bit strong, let’s say ‘enjoyed’.

‘Y0u know what's coming. you know it‘s not going to be pleasant or pretty. but there’s this curious thrill all through you.‘

Drunk in charge of a‘pair of leather strides. The filthy auntie who says the wrong (ie right) thing at funerals, weddings. bar mitzvahs.

Creator Waen Shepherd performed as part of Club Zarathustra. smashing up Cornish pasties in the guise of madman William Whicker.

The 808.

‘He’s sooooo 80s'

Crimes against fashion. Doesn’t he know Duran Duran are the bees’ knees again? You can’t take the piss out of them. mate.

Got the late. lamented (yeah. right) Big Breakfast in hot water for saying the highly emotive words ‘elephant‘s arse' live on air last December.

Shouting. sweating, hyperactivity.

‘Time hasn't healed this comic’s love of quickness and in one hour he‘ll use up more energy than a roomful of Commonwealth athletes.’

Drug possession. Surely he‘s doing speed? There must be something fuelling his mania. no?

Tells fables in the style of Basil Fawlty riding a bull in a china shop. The only man to get Doncaster. the pharaohs and cookery in a single show.

Making senility funny. Presenting a ‘lecture’ that ends up more farce than fact.

‘His falafel crescendo makes for compulsive viewing.‘

Wreckless endangerment. Found pushing a shopping trolley up a motonivay, looking for the desiccated coconut. Charges dropped.