O Raking through the dustbin of gossip and trivia

I It's good to be back. Did yOu miss Insider? Unless yOu are a TV licence inspector. Insider suspects not. Insider has been lying prostrate with swamis in Kerala in southern India. badly in need of an enema to remove the filthy urbanin from a swollen colon. lnsrder booked a trip to the Mata Amritanandamayi Mission, home of the Hugging Mama. She's one of India's few female gurus and is renowned for her joyous. power inflexing hugs. Insider expected to find a low-Ii island dwelling held together by the yellowing pages of The Mahabaratha and inhabited by a saint spreading peace from within an enclave of eunuchs. But actually it consisted of two high rise flats Surrounded by banks. To make matters worse Mama had buggered off somewhere. After a few days of Ayervedic misery. the piss- stained streets of Glasgow and Edinburgh were a—calling. Spiritual enlightenment seems to come at a price these days. It's good to know that around the world. bullshit still talks and money still walks.

I It is the season of brickbats and locusts. One free thinking rabbi has picked up the silk glove of vaguely anti- Semitic

confusion thrown down by Mel Gibson. Apocalypse: A Revolutionary Interpretative Translation of the Writings of St John (Sinclair- Stevenson, $36.99) is by Rabbi Sidney Brichto. the first rabbi ever to translate the New Testament. The book has drawn plaudits from various American intellectuals and critics as well as our own Rabbi Lionel Blue. It is released just in time for Easter and may just be the thing to drown out all that chocolate-smeared Christian piety.

New testament .. ~ revislogism

I Insider was going to talk abOut Elvis being a Jocko scheme from Lonmay but like. who cares . . . really? Instead Insider would like to salute Gilles Peterson. who is taking part in Plastic People on Wednesday 14 April. The London club night is specrally designed for deaf people and


g f3 . I :35 ii f .w t

Gin down to the country

Franz, Texas’

I Insider’s Lone Star state crude oil-glugging cousin Graeme Jameson sent this report from the world's biggest A&R Festival ~ South by Southwest in Austin, Texas that took place over 17-21 March. Spending a week with record industry salesmen sounds like hell. but even a fleabitten old hack like Insider can't hide a tiny stirring of pride about what he saw there. ‘Despite some 1200 artists coming to town,’ says Jameson, 'it was those amongst the tartan delegation who did most to wow the crowds and critics. Indeed. by the time Saturday came around, fly-posters advertising Scottish acts still-to—penorm were decorated with colourful labels declaring simply: ‘From Scotland!’ Franz Ferdinand were probably the buzz band of the festival. A delighted Brent Grulske. the festival director. agreed: 'It is rare and refreshing to see someone living up to such a huge amount of expectation.’ The Magnificents were one of the bands to emerge from the whole week, setting tongues a-wagging with a pair of powerhouse performances. Sons & Daughters were a revelation. playing three gigs including the Domino Records bill supporting Franz Ferdinand. Having been snapped up by New York's a la mode record label Ba Da Bing! they will also be supporting Franz on their forthcoming UK headline Tour. Finally, David Jack played one of the gigs. in the basin of a skateboarding bowl. while Sluts of Trust. Snow Patrol. a rejuvenated Trash Can Sinatras and the James Orr Complex kept the Celtic vibe strong.’

Eardrum , ’n’bass

Peterson, along wrth many other DJs. will be playing monstroust heavy rhythm and bass tunes so that those who are hard of hearing can share the physical sensation of loud music. In Scotland we like to entertain our deaf

electorates wrth Presbyterian Braille bibles and occasional trips to railway sidings. so it is nice to see someone south of the border is thinking more laterally.

I Also Insider was rejOIcing this week when it was announced that an old friend is coming back to town. Tanyalee Davies. the dwarf queen of US stand up. is to enter the UK arena once more on a proper tour. As

you may or may not know, Insider has

a fetish as bread as a crrcus strongman for the little people. So if you happen upon a mess of broken blood vessels and saliva three inches from the stage at the Stand comedy club in Edinburgh between 30 April and 2 May. please avoid at all costs.

‘tneouotes °

The Front

‘We’ll save those for hotel rooms when we all drink too much. It’s the only damage we do in hotel rooms.’ Michael Stipe polite/y refuses Helena Christensen '3 request to record a duet while she goes on tour as their official photographer.

‘This year we are going for primary colours. And some of them may clash.’

Big Brother chiefs are praying they uncover more Nasty Nicks than Cuddly Camerons in their auditions for series five.

‘The last thing we need is Jewish history to be converted into a Western. In his hands we may wind up losing.’

Anti-Defamation League '3 Abe Foxman is less than chuffed at rumours that Mel Gibson '3 next project is about the origins of Hanukkah.

‘Whether Elvis is German, French, Jewish or Red Indian doesn’t matter. Most Elvis fans couldn’t give a monkey’s about his ancestry.’

Todd Slaughter. president of the Elvis Presley Fanc/ub of Great Britain, pours not scalding scorn on claims that the King of Rock 'n 'Roll was actually an Aber'donian.

‘Don’t ever throw coins at a performer on stage. Show respect. Find out who did that and if they’re standing next to you, gob on them.’ Fran Hea/y gets hacked off with his Cardiff audience.

‘Maybe if you had the biggest penis in the world, you would sell records. But I don’t. I could actually have the smallest penis in the world.’

Enrique lg/esias has a surprise for Anna KOurnikova on their wedding night.


I -I:3 Apr 2004 THE LIST 9