J . Raking through the dustbin of gossip and trivia

t the boys coz oiboys are here

I Goldie Lookin' Chain are fast becoming Insider's favourite band: nine drug-addled Welsh neds With a penchant for flammable clothing and bad rap. They excelled themselves recently when they kept their audience entertained during 15 minutes of technical hitches at a gig at the Portsmouth. The boys took the opportunity to stage a verSion of Catchphrase. before embarking on a skinning up tutorial. God bless ‘em. As ever. they decided to say what they see. in this case a bunch of work shy top students in the audience with a working knowledge of cheap TV and even cheaper drugs.

I InSider used to belong to the Kyle of Lochalsli scooter club until it became the sOCiety's policy that yOu had to Own more than a stuffed dog on hobby horse wheels to be a member. They were balmy days. Farrah trousers. Perry shirts and pockets full of speedballs. and that was just to vi8it the local yOuth centre to play table'tennis. InSider realised that those mod days were well and truly over when the Lambretta clothing catalogue turned up. Based unsurprisineg on the lyawnl England strip. the sea of white. reds are being heaVily. bizarrely pushed on Scottish casuals. It turns out that last summer's biggest selling shirt amongst our scally youth was the England shirt. Gone are the days of underdog identity and splendour the next generation seem ready to suck the squire’s marrow again and companies like Lambretta are only too ready to support the apathy revolution.

Cry God or Blighty

- I The Silly season has started again

this is the time of year when television companies owned by the useless children of talented parents start trying to put together new reality shows. Here are a couple of offers you saddoes may not be able to refuse: Public-l Events. on behalf of BBCB. is



looking for 25-35-year—old buskers street entertainers or artists who want to make it big in the music

‘entertainment industry. but whose

parents would rather they get a 'proper' job. Interested? Contact bbc3tvsliow<a>public-i.org.uk. For the gym junkies among you. ITV is looking for men and women to take part in a show. representing their city in a series of obstacle courses. physical and mental games. Phil Tufnell and Kirsty Gallacher (God forbid) will present Simply the Best, a two- hour prime-time show that mixes celebrities and contestants in a sunset showdown. and it is to be filmed throughout July in a specially built arena on the island of Jersey immm.

, interesting). The team will be travelling

arOund the country during May. and auditions will be held in Edinburgh and Glasgow. To apply. please call 0901 488 0101 or e-mail your name and contact details to contesfaiit<a>itv.coni.

Midge baiting

Mosquito coast

I A funny thing happened to Insider recently. on the way to secure tickets to a Cleo Laine and Johnny Dankwonh tribute band in the not so beautiful town of Buckie (shit horse patch on the east coast of Scotland, as if you didn't know). Insider seems to have passed out and was awoken by a couple of lab coats at the Visit Scotland Expo in Aberdeen. It seems Insider was to be present for the launch of Calor Gas' Midgeater Plus. an updated suction engine specially designed to suck, pluck and smear the Highlands' best kept secret. Insider was then forced to slip into a midge body suit and enter a boxing ring and was beaten up by a young lady dressed as a giant Midgeater Plus vacuum costume. The room was full of assorted local journalists and a man clutching a talking ferret. At the very moment Insider took a left hook. Insider had an epiphany and it was this ‘Expos are cool. you get to hang around with geeks and freaks and watch pseudo medieval contests while being discouraged from giving your church collection money to one faith or the other'. OK. all of this is totally untrue, but look at these photos. They're great, aren’t they? How else could Insider have possibly convinced The List to print them. Gnatty suits rule.

The Front

‘EastEnders is crap at the moment.’

Alex Ferns won't be

expecting a call to

reprise his Albert

Square role as ei/i/ Trevor.

‘I don’t want it to be a joke

, version, like Starsky and

Hutch. I think Knight Rider deserves a shot at something serious.’

Dawd l-lasse/holl prepares to get his Kit on.

‘Liam and Noel are always fighting but they usually make up. This time though, I think things are different.’

An Oasis source insists that the latest punch-up definiter lmaybei marks the end. Shame no one i'e.'i//y gives much of a toss anymore.

‘A couple with the usual things on their mind: sex, work, the walking nightmare that is a teenage step-child, the challenge of renting your house out to a dwarf, and how to get the most from your hot-tub.’

For a Neil li/lorrissev sitcom. this pitch sounds almost funny.

‘It is high time that television stations like yours be called to account for your defamation of the name Jesus Christ, a practice that insults hundreds of thousands of Christian believers.’

Australian ev.'ingelist Andre van der Linden is suing Channel 7 after it broadcast a shocking blasphemy on the usually pure as the driven snow Prime Suspect.

‘A lot of people have done it- and really sucked and I don’t want to do a rock opera and have it suck.’

Pink on her musical plans. It piobably won't be over till the wee lady screeches.

Does she suc f" l

i,\: I "\ N‘i‘l'. .\.\.‘v'- 9