The Front

. . . Raking through the dustbin of gossip and trivia

Time to act your age,Lenny

I Insider had the misfortune to receive Lenny Kravitz's new album. Baptism. It sounded like Ike Turner's nasal hairs being used as a stylus for an old Four Tops record but it made one hell of a great coaster. In a moment of meditation while trying to balance a glass of Absinthe and two and a half Pringles on said CD. Insider suddenly noticed something about the cover art that had previously gone past unnoticed. Firstly. Kravitz seems to have developed 'granny hair' in the last few years (no doubt something to do with the ginger contamination of his current lover. Nicole Kidman) and secondly what's with all the tomato juice/blood you are floating in. dude? Lenny. you are like 40 years old on 26 May this year. behave yourself. Cocoa with a hint of Warnicks Advocat may have been a better bet. Look at Prince, now there's a man who knows how to behave in his dotage . . .

I Let's face it. the world owes a huge debt to the Jewish comedy tradition from the Marx Brothers to Seinfeld. Yiddischer humour has been indescribany influential. It was rather strange then that Funny Already: The History of Jewish Comedy. an intriguing sounding dOCumentary from Channel 4, has shifted not once but twice from its allotted screening date. A conspiracy? Perhaps. Insider spoke to the only Jewish person Insider knows about this. one Mrs Solomon. a housewrfe and mother of three boys from Kelvinside in Glasgow. She commented: 'I don't care. How does this concern me? Why can't they put on nice programmes any more about doctors. dentists and lawyers. No one

likes a funny guy. espeCIally not a Jewish funny guy. you know.‘ Thank you Mrs Solomon.

I Insider recently applied for jOurnalist accreditation for the Cannes Film Festival under the pseudonym Mohammed Bushrak al Jazeera Brown in the hope of being able to cover all the Scottish Arabic co-

lhe " Jak

productions that WI“ be bought and sold along the Croisette. Beneath a flannel of lies and deceit. the application was refused. Terrorist hysteria or plain old racism? Who knows? Insider didn't want to spend time With a bunch of coke addled morons who spend their sun dappled days selling Steven Seagal moVies to Ethiopian distributors anyway.

Where’s the wedding gift, Tony?

I God, like how good was the wedding of the stepdaughter of Kiefer Sutherland? You see. unlike you mere mortals. Insider spends huge amounts on Planet Celebrity and subsequently gets invited to such shindigs. Anyway. after the lowly press scrum outside the City Chambers off the Royal Mile in Edinburgh, Insider accompanied 24 '3 Jack Bauer back to a reception room of undiscloseable location. Insider and Kief (as he likes to be known) laughed and smoked Gaulouises Reds while debating whether Lou Diamond Phi/lips was still running that hair wax factory in Nevada. As the evening grew on and the malt whisky came more frequently. the original Young Gun began to grow more agitated. 'Where's the vol au vents?’ he enquired. slightly the worse for wear. Insider made a hand gesture towards a Victorian rubbish chute that seemed to be taking up half the banqueting room. It was the wrong move. for the next thing Insider knew Kief/Jack had Insider's feet in a bucket of water and was running electrical currents through various erogenous zones. 'Where's the

vol au vents. Insider? he screamed.

‘Ask your Goddam stepdaughter and Jocko model son in Iaw!‘ Insider pleaded back. From under his sporran Jack Bauer produced a Walther PPK pistol and pushed it against Insider’s temple. By now Insider was hysterical: “Kief, can't you see what is happening. it's the role. the role of

Jack. it's sticking.‘

‘That goddam role saved my godamm straight-to-video career.‘ he groaned as he released four shots into a bearded piper who had just entered the


I OK, none of the above is true but Insider is enjoying the new series of 24 and has actually lost the ability to leave the armchair so all this week ’3 stories have been made up. What's new. peep/e?

‘I saw a bit of the first film and I thought there was something wrong with it. It sounded like I was on helium.’ Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe is a bit embarrassed by his celluloid pre— pubescence.

‘lt’s completely mesmeric, you should try it. Yesterday there was a nipple on there at ten past eight in the morning. Nipples at ten past eight?’

Frank Skinner never starts his day Without first tuning in to Fashion TV.

‘Should monied interests call the shots regarding the information that the public is allowed to see in a free society?’

Michael Moore hits out at Disney blocking the distribution of his Bush/bin Laden documentary Fahrenheit 9/ l l.

‘I used to ride around in my youth with a bumper sticker which said “Mary Poppins is a Junkie”.’

Julie Alld/‘OI’VS recalls her ()W/l version of the Mary Poppins is a flasher" bi in); >er sticker seen all over LA in the (50s.

When carrying dogs in bags, there is potential for causing injury; the dog could fall from a height. Also, dressing up animals could cause significant stress.’

Yelp. An RSPCA representative advrses against the celebrity trend of treating small dogs like accessories.

‘I wouldn’t take any dog to get his nuts nipped.’

Snail. O/zv Osbourne shares his own thoughts on animal'ir'e.

‘I know of somebody who had triplets and named them Chandler, Ross and Joey. It’s like, I can understand maybe a dog, but, wow.’ Woof. lyi'atthiny Perry lit/()I'I'IOS that it might be even tougher than he thought to break away from friends.