In developmen

You’re a movie director and you want to make the new Titanic/ Independence Day/ Swept Away (delete as appropriate). But how much will it cost? And how much will you get back?

You’ve made: Duck a I’Orange - The epic tale of one small bird’s quest not to be eaten by

You've made: Cutthroat Rain Man - Mentally challenged people take to the high seas at last! Budget: $73m. Poss 80 return: $23m.

You’ve made: Attack You’ve made: Air You've made: You've made: Rodeo of the Calories: The Force Fun! - There’s Something and Juliet DiCaprio Fridge Menace - Can When the about the Ten has his biggest

our compulsive eating president’s plane Commandments challenge yet as the heroine defeat the evil needs brightening Moses is late, but horse that steals Atkins Empire? up there’s only one look who's turned up Maguire’s heart.

Budget: $190m. Estimated 80 return:

kooky gal to call! Budget: $120m. Estimated BO

in his place . . . Mary! Budget: $312m.

an emperor. Budget: $301 m. Estimated BO return:

Budget: $275m. Estimated BO

You've made: Beethoven in


$1 ,345m (including merchandise revenue).


You’ve made: Spacewalk Like an Egyptian As old and new worlds collide . . . it’s time to get down. Eee-hee! (executive producer: Michael Jackson)

return: $503m.

Estimated BO return: $83m. return: $270m. T T Stunt doubles. One _ . for Maguire and what If any stars go up in we need a 9'93"“: about one for

aeroplanes or in more

chorus, singing all the

Budget: $270m. Estimated 80 return: $2.6m.

Four 52-foot high

Sphinxes a la

{ Cleopatra. $3.6m. 7

Food. The bill for Cleopatra claimed Elizabeth Taylor ate 12 whole chickens and 40 pounds of bacon each day for breakfast during the shoot. The crew also claimed they spent $10,000 on paper cups. Best be prepared. $1 m.

‘Entertainment allowance’. Presumably hookers and coke need to be written off somewhere. $5000 per leading actor per week.

For the crowd scenes for Star Wars George Lucas used cardboard cut outs. That’ll do here. $5000 for the lot.

You’ve made: Earth Girls are Sleazy Those adorable she- aliens are back and this time their acting is as flimsy as their outfits! Budget: $77m. Poss 80 return: $104m.


You’ve made: The Long French Kiss Goodnight Two women are in love and on the run . . . in a galaxy far, far away. Budget: $12m. Estimated 80 return: $12m.



than ten feet of water way through 500 of too? $526 per day Everyone loves they must get ‘hazard them- N9 CG" bunsm each. For a ten A a huarious pay. $146 each time. here. tJnton rates for weeks. £263,000. custom- sidekick The entire film is shot in Speak'ng parts: $678 made yeah. What the air. $1 .46m. per day: F5” ,ten Weeks‘ f (“"3" about a St $6.7m. This. IS a suit a la Bernard and -——> religious epic after all. TONY Magulm- Howard h. I f T $8m. Spidey suit —> the Duck: $533829 er or In Rome. The land net momded' 32'” week? For Cameron Diaz. $36m. ‘— of the historical epic, eight weeks. Supply your own hair the perfect city with Dustin Hoffman, ; Only $40,000.


the perfect lead . . .

Elizabeth Taylor in her prime. $42m. CGI

costs up to $100m


At sea. Think Watentvorld, think Cutthroat Island. Let’s just push the

Leonardo DiCaprio

Waterworld - A man, a dog, a rowing boat and a whole lotta laughs! Budget: $162m. Poss 80 return: $1.8m.



—> Battle ready replicas of 17th + century pirate galleons? At a million bucks a pop. Let’s get half

a dozen. $6m.

+ THE SCRIPT boat out and bring In space. OMlGOD! 4-— lt's a Winner, “'8 a —> on board . . . . It’ll be outta this world. knockout - epic. What ab?!“ 3 smppe‘ 0’ some Especially if in the lead bold and * classic. Jimi Hendrix for the should be set . o . Mike MVGI’S- _> per second like In thhnatl and l. $20m (plus 20% of Let’s have 90 seconds worth.


Your missus. That is, if you’re married to

Madonna or Geena

Davis. Free.

In Hawaii. The home

box office takings

if it’s a sequel to

one of his previous money spinners).

of the blockbuster:

Jurassic Park and Pearl Harbor were made there. And as the star we just have

Julia Roberts, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, George Clooney, Elliott Gould, Don Cheadle and Andy Garcia, like Steven Soderbergh got for

Ocean‘s Eleven. $85m.

Julia Roberts on her <— t h —> tod. $36m. ° ave ~ ~ ~ CGI post-production to put deceased actors ‘back’ in the film ‘a la Gladiator. $2m. The palm "99,3 JPSt Have an aftenpremiere party are” t “9m like the one for Pearl Harbor,

here. Let’s ship in trees from Los Angeles that look nicer. $600,000.


You’ve made: She put the ‘ear’ in Pearl

Harbor Did you

know just how many lives this

Hawaiian Estimated BO otologist saved return: $183m. during the


You’ve made:

Don’t Wave us Goodbye The biggest tsunami is on its way and only one woman

can stop it.

Budget: $98m.

attacks? Budget:

$165m. Estimated BO return: $183m.

which cost the same as the production costs for the whole of Billy Elliot $11m.

You’ve made: Sunny and Shore - Pauly Shore couldn’t make his all star birthday beach party . . . but they had one anyway! Budget: $65m. Estimated BO return: $3m.


These things take time. Do a Michael Deer Hunter Cimino and film 1.3m feet of footage to make an incomprehensible 219-minute Western epic like Heaven’s Gate. It cost $44m to make and took $3m at the box office. That seems to make sense to me.


You've made: Heaven’s Eleven Just one last job . . . they’re robbing the Vatican. And it takes 185 minutes! Budget: $87m.

Estimated BO

return: $187m.

___> Studio not big


enough to house the film and everyone’s ego? Get yourself the full-scale replica of the exterior of the Titanic. And a 17m gallon tank to put it in. And a custom built studio to house the whole lot. James Cameron did. $110m.

You've made: Don’t Get Out of the Boat Was the Roman invasion of Scotland really this hilarious? Budget: $152m. Estimated BO return: $203m.


The Cat with the Strat 2 This angsty Scottish vet is highly stung enough . . . but now he’s the reincarnation of Jimi Hendrix! Again! Budget: $142m. Poss BO return: $666m.

16 THE LIST iii 12/ May 2004