I O Raking through the dustbin of gossip and trivia
I There is so much disturbing news this week. David Hasselhoff seems to be the man who just won't lay down and let his ridiculous career be washed away in the surf. It has been announced that Ice-T. a performer who clearly believes in having his lobotomies in public, is to produce a Hasselhoff hip hop album. The Knight Rider/Baywatch star is already a rock god in Germany, Poland and anywhere else where pollution has rid the atmosphere of most of its oxygen. Yet in the US and the UK his albums sell like a drain. According to The Sun
newspaper. Ice T told reporters: 'The man is a legend. And we are going to show a whole new side of him. He's gonna come out as Hassle the Hoff — I promise you. The Hoff WI” surprise people With his rap skills and humour.‘ OK. Ice baby. it's time to step away from Diana Ross“ medicine cabinet now.
I What is it with all this early 908 rewsionism? Hanson are making a comeback under the guidance of Metley Crue's Nikki Sixx, Radiohead are performing Wet Wet Wet's mega hit cover 'Love is All Around' with Bill Nighy at some charity do somewhere (like who cares really? It's going to be Richard Curtis and his hideous cronies handing over fistfuls of Euros while sipping Albanian champagne). There was. however, one good bit of news this week. That icon of the 19908. Sadie Frost. has seen her scheduled new television interview show cancelled recently. This has nothing to do with the fact that she has about as much talent as the now rarely seen Arbroath Smokie. but the fact that most of her designated guests. Stella. Kate. Gwynny and little Sammy (Morton) were. between them, unable to utter a single iiitt—zresting or coherent sentence might be
1‘ ml call it a meback
We‘re not getting off this stepping stone
I Insider has got nothing against comebacks. Heaven knows Insider is a direct reincarnation of the love child of Christopher Isherwood and Dorothy Parker. and has entered. exited and re-entered many dark. wet places throughout a misspent life, but there are some resurrections that really need to be stopped. Insider nearly fell off the huge wooden toadstool (in the broken glass pit the council likes to call the children's play area) that has been erected outside Insider's favourite spring/summer pub after reading about the return of those Kirkdale Hoover boys. the Farm. The band are riding that old glory horse. the football tournament song, all the way back into the number one seat. according to the red tops. Originally a hit for the band in 1990, their ‘new‘ chart entry is ‘All Together Now“. a half baked adolescent enquiry into the mind set of a World War I trench soldier. Let‘s face it. the English team really don't need any more maudlin mascots to take with them to Portugal; they are crap and miserable enough already. They really need to take a leaf out of Scotland‘s winning history with tournament songs: ‘Don't Come Home Too Soon‘ by Del Amitri. ‘Ole Ole' by Tartan Rod and ‘We Are on the March with AIIy's Army'. A peach. every single one. Yeah, that means furry and prone to rot. The last time scallies and bad dance indie crossovers were the soundtrack of our lives this collection of dyspeptic nations was squealing under a crippling recession. That's not going to happen again. Then again . . .
the blind to the stupid.
I Finally, Insider would like to say a big farewell to the art editor of The
in the belly of the beast. The all
missed. Once again, Insider is so emotionally drained. the only way to say this is in the language of love — Google Italian: 'Ridete come una strega ma state andando lasciare un foro nel cuore del Mr Insider. Sweetface d'adoio.‘
significant. Fame is indeed a gift from
List. Leaving for pastures new. Helen Monaghan has endured eight years
singing. all dancrng karaoke queen of List Towers, Monaghan will be greatly
‘I’m not afraid of bats, they aren’t very scary. But if one had a 15 foot wingspan and a mouth that could rip your head off? That would be something.’ Van Helsing director, Stephen Sommers, on what he never ever wants to meet in a dark alley.
‘Big Brother needs some white trash and pikeys. They need to get one of this year’s housemates from Crimewatch photofits, then mix that up with a Catholic priest, an atheist and a porn star.’
BB4 's Federico on how to add interest to this year's televisua/ tedium-fest.
‘He split his penis with me, the big baby; he should have been more careful. Who’s Gareth Gates now?’
Jordan on her sexual antics with her ex-lover.
‘She has a mind like a steel trap. Her best advice to me was: “To thine own self be true.” She often thought Polonius was much maligned.’
Ben Afﬂeck on his Shakespearean relationship wrth mummy.
‘lt hits the lady where she likes it. And because it swings, it can be effective in any position.’
Lenny Kravitz gives an eye-watering insight into his most private of piercmgs.
‘One side effect was immense suspicion; I’d come across like Inspector Clouseau on acid: “Where’s this cornflake come from? It wasn’t here before.”’
The world 's most confused rocker. Ozzy Osbourne, talks about his good old days as an alcoholic.
The scary cornflake
9/ May— It) .Juri 200-1 THE LIST 9