The Front

Raking through the dustbin of gossip and trivia


. . . but I hate this

I Oh dear, it has finally happened. Some idiot has decided that the one thing Scottish people really want to listen to is crappy saccharine sweet music made for the romantic Jocko that bubbles beneath the skin of every wannabe Celt. / Love Scotland is a three-CD trawl through the likes of Andy Stewart. Runrig. Jimmy Shand, the Proclaimers, the Corries. Sir Harry Lauder and, of course. the Royal Scots Dragoon Guard. it is about as painful a listening experience as insider can ever remember. To paraphrase Samuel Johnson: patriotism on this level is indeed the last refuge of the scoundrel.

Accidents will, happen

I It’s been a great couple of weeks for perverse accidents: Gary Smith. the guitarist from Dogs Die In Hot Cars. was knocked down by a car which, although very unfortunate. is funny (come on, people). The Dalai Lama allegedly visited Buddha Bar restaurant (according to Metro) and then flagrantly refuted the fact that he and his ridiculously large entourage ever visited the establishment. There was also an unconfirmable report that the Burgundy clad Buddhist titch was seen hanging around a certain Cafe Mao in the early morning checking out the menu. Also Kelly Osbourne has finally got out of rehab and has gone straight into recording her second album (slow down, girl. there really is no hurry). Rumours abound that Kelly wants to set up a supergroup with that smackhead from the Libertines. Yoko Ono, lke Turner and Rene from Rene and Renata. Oh Joy of joys.

I Finally, insider was chuffed to receive a genuine letter from one Zammo McGuire the other day. Insider has decided to open up the

; flood gates and invite anyone who wants to rant. suggest. or generally

moan to Insider about the traumas of being a culture vulture to write to Here for your enjoyment is that special letter that

has begun what could turn out to be a

Someone get me a witness

Judge, jury and sitcom

I Insider has been doing jury service recently. Having tried everything to get out of doing it (from pretending to be a Latvian rabbi to spending a week learning how to protest like a Pict), Insider was placed in a room with 14 of the most ugly people insider has ever had to share sallow air with. The case involved a she wolf who had stolen the youngest child of an elderly alco-Ned from Joppa. The child grew up to be a feral thing, wandering the sand lands between Drem and Cockenzie. By providence the young man found his mother and decided to bite holes in her booze- ravaged turkey neck, before hiding various parts of her body in a crab cage. The jury took ten minutes to send this enfant terrible to some hellhole at Her Majesty's Pleasure. It was a sad experience that got Insider thinking about those who are falsely accused and imprisoned by legal systems that are at best flawed and at worst delinquent.

So it was with delight that Insider heard the story of Juan Catalan, accused of killing 16-year-old Martha Puebla in ms San Fernando Valley last May. Puebla insisted he was at an LA Dodgers game at the time of the murder but he was nowhere to be seen on the security footage. However, he discovered that the HBO network had been at the stadium on the night of the killing. shooting an episode of the Larry Seinfeld David comedy Curb Your Enthusiasm. HBO's tapes showed Catalan sitting in a frame eating a hot dog with his daughter. Catalan was. of course. released and the sitcom finally showed its worth in this recalcitrant. corrupt world.

beautiful friendship . . . ‘Dear

is sceptical but I thought you would be entertained by this. This is

for FC Skonto and Latvia. He will be playing in the Euro 2004 and he is your new best friend. And yes. that mullet isn't an ironic Shoreditch one.

Irony-free mullet

i saw Mr Zemilinskas when he was a substitute for Latvia against lcleland

to Support. you c0uld do worse than suggest Latvia. A little country who are lucky enough to get there in the first place who stand no chance of getting through to the next round.’

Insider. i know your take on football

Zemilinskas who plays centre back

It's the real thing. And therefore great.

and he‘s a pleasant chap. if you wish to recommend your readership a team

‘When I opened up the lid it was revolting; it was like something

out of a horror film. There was a big lump of something that looked like a cow; it was absolutely vile.’ One of Damien Hi'rst's nei'gthurs gets a bit sniffy over the rubbish which failed to be collected over a long, hot bank holiday weekend in Gloucestershire.

‘She has paid plenty herself.’ Publicist Liz Rosenberg confirms that Madonna '3 new tour bus swearbox has been [angling With the material girl's own pennies.

‘I’ve never been asked on a radio panel in my life. I don’t know what it is; maybe they think I’ll swear.’

James Kelman repO/TS on the downside to being an outspoken literary voice.

‘Practice makes perfect.’ Dido is actually talking about her sex life rather than her uncanny ability to churn out bland tunes by the acre.

‘l’d love to play in a rock band but I don’t want to end up in rehab.’

Daniel Radcliffe may have his creative dreams but he knows that maintaining his squeaky clean liVing would be out of the question.

‘The people who come up to you are invariably arseholes. They’re arseholes at their work, they’re arseholes in the pub and they’re probably the arsehole of the family.’

If you're a fan of Robbie Coltrane. whatever you do. don 't let him know you admire him.

firiously arseholed

10-2-1 Jun 2001 THE LIST 9