he Tedious tn'via from the crypt of malicious blether

I Insider has found God. Well, the Kabbalah religion anyway since hearing that Madonna was allegedly giving away blocks of front row tickets of her live concerts to Kabbalah centres around the world. The centres are then allegedly selling the tickets on to diehard fans for upwards of $300 each. As soon as Insider's own www.krazyonkaballahdemoncom receives those babies they will be posted on eBay for the cost of an old Tiffany album and three kosher rabbit pelts.

I Terry Nation you too should be ashamed of yourself for not allowing Queer As Folk creator Russell T Davis to use the Daleks in his new series of Dr Who. It's not like you haven't allowed the Daleks to be used in all manner of crap projects over the years (has anyone out there ever been able to sit through the whole of Dr Who and the Daleks film starring Peter Cushing?) There seems to be the merest whiff of camp-o-fear in the air. Nation may have convinced himself that Davis intends to cast Craig Hill as Davros (obviously, no make-up will be needed).

I While news that Glastonbury mud was attracting bids on eBay of anything between it and £360. Insider decided to hit the radioactive beaches of East Lothian and see how much a handful of sand that the King has trampled on would fetch. For that is correct Elvis Presley, or at least the best good/bad impersonator that Insider has ever had the misfortune to see. is coming to Musselburgh Brunton Theatre on 17 August. Insider spent a particularly surreal night in March this year at the Carnegie Hall in Dunfermline watching this act (known simply as the Elvis Collection) and Insider has to say that having actually spent a night with the real King shortly before death in 1977 (Insider basically made a fried squirrel and haggis sandwich for the big man and was then told to leave by the fire exit). this is as close as you will get to the real thing (OK, Insider will fess up -- this is just another pathetic excuse to show a particularly weird. puerile image that tickled the fancy).

ofia'bbifh -

peculatinq to accumu ate

Insider has been looking to buy property for a while now; a decade spent

smuggling pickled herring and the grippable parts of Action Men out of Croatia and through the ports of Holland have made Insider a rich man. But it is Insider's experience that the only people who will accept money tainted by the black market are either the violently criminal or the vulgar rich. And so it was that Insider decided to check out Imperial Place, Scotland's first ever ‘miIIionaire's row' development in the village of Bothwell outside Glasgow. Imperial Place comprises eight luxurious five- bedroom properties. each of which is expected to sell for more than 21m. The show home for this Tortilla Curtain-ster scheme (just the kind Insider likes keep the riff raff out and the rich inbreds in perfect) features an art exhibition by Scottish colourist Jack Morrocco (pictured above). As far as Insider is concerned. Morrocco is not far behind Jack Vettriano when it comes to his ability to turn a habitable space into a cross between Betty's teashop (from the deeply deficient city of York) and an Athena cards emporium. Insider turned up on the wrong day for viewing but on taking one look at the sickeningly quaint village of Bothwell (with its exclusive golf courses. nearby racetracks and charmless brasseries), Insider decided to head back to the city having heard that an ex-drug dealer friend was selling an old council flat off in Easterhouse. The flat was being flogged with an exhibition of the later squiggles of Jean Michel Basquiat and a special free form version of Andres Serrano's Piss Christ.

Rejoice the return of the King

at Insider@list.co.uk letter of the week is from Ivor Hooligooley; he will be receiving a half-finished bottle of Snapple and a one-way coach ticket to Cumbernauld any day soon. “Dear Insider, please could you help me. PeOple seem to get impatient with me when I stop in the middle of the pavement to chat with my friends. Their irritation worsens when we're having fun on the train station stairs or when we stop for a conversation at the top of the escalator. Someone said something about being forced to do a backward diagonal moonwalk to prevent a pile-up but I can't help feeling they're jealous because my chums and I have more fun than they do. What's wrong with people?“

The Front


‘They say Elvis is dead. I say no, you’re looking at him. Elvis isn’t

dead: he’s just changed colour.’ Denis Rodman stakes the claim that in the end it 's basketball, and not fishing, that's the new rock 'n 'ro/l.

‘I don’t agree with people getting their imperfections ironed out. If you look like you’ve been hit with the back of a shovel, fair enough.’

Big Brother's Dan shows his sensitive side.

‘I’ve overwhelmed the girl in every relationship I’ve been in. They just can’t handle all thelovefl

Justin Timber/ake shows his needy side.

‘Never put milk in your tea first, it’s what common people do.’

Paul Burre/l, handily forgetting all those Mirror readers who snapped up his Diana revelations.

‘I wasn’t really that drunk. I was just over-served.’

Glen Campbell cunning/y blames others for his recent drink driving woes.

‘They think they’re hip. They can’t read, they can’t write. They’re laughing and giggling, and they’re going nowhere.’

Bill Cosby is on a downer with a generation of black schoo/kids.

‘She calls them her puppy noses, and hers kinda resemble puppy noses.’ Hugh Jackman thinks hard about Van Helsing co-star Kate Beckinsa/e 's breasts.

‘They say cats have nine lives which makes them ideal for

experimentation.’ Jimmy Carr continues to Claw his way to the top.

Milking it


8—22 .Jul 2004 THE LIST 9