i I Tedious trivia from the crypt of malicious blether

I First of all. Insider needs to make an apology and correction. Two weeks ago lnSider made reference to Terry Nation. one of the original creators and writers on Dr Who. Insider was trying to make the point that Nation should be ashamed of himself for not allowuig Russell T Davis. the man in charge of the new Dr Who series. to use the Daleks. Nation has actually been dead for several years: Insider was in fact making reference to Nation's estate. 80 Insider is very sorry for any confusion or upset caused (but never really that sorry). Thank you to Dr Rodney White fer pointing that out. you big freak.

pensioner “powé‘r

I Insider had the dubious pleasure of attending the Edinburgh International Film Festival launch the other day. After two valiums and five glasses of bucks fizz. Insider managed to stop the old skin crawling Ifilmheads are a filthy bunch. you know). Delivering an ultra-slick introduction to the festival. creative director Shane Danielsen. looking like a cross between a stalker and a waxen Buddy Holly. described himself as a leftist asthmatic. Is that the same leftist asthmatic whose festival is sponsored by an impressive assortment of rightist publications?

I The finest live band out there at the moment. the Super Furry Animals. have run into a bit of bother from the organisers of the Brecon Jazz Festival. It seems the field they are to play ill is surrounded by homes inhabited by senior citizens. most of whom appear to have signed a petition stating that a rock and roll band at a jazz fest ain't cricket. Insider will be there for sure to see the war between the grey heads and the long haired pot heads. There can be little doubt which song the Furries WI” be ending their set with 'The Man Don't Give a F'” About Anybody EIse!’

I lnsmler was hanging out With Shane MacGowan (God bless his diseased liver‘i while he was shooting the video to the charity single he cut to support a Motor Neurone Disease Charity this good friend Jimmy Johnstone. the ex-Celtic football player. is a sufferer of the IHIIOSSI.

ush her down the loos

I So Rebecca Loos. that lady who had the alleged affair with David Beckham. is to appear at the Edinburgh TV Festival in a month or so. Loos has allegedly made $500,000 by selling her story to the News of the World and then giving an interview on Sky One. Sitting on a panel with her PR advisor Max Clifford, Loos will join in a debate on chequebook journalism. She is also set to appear in a new reality TV show on Five. teaching children in a tough inner city school. So far so press release. But let's just look at this for a moment. Insider has spent a life surrounded by scum from the lower echelons of the media ladder but never in Insider's experience has the leap from public notoriety to equitable celebrity

proposition been so swift.

One year ago no one knew or cared who Rebecca Loos was. Now that barn conversion in Dorset may be a real possibility for her. At least in the old days the greedy and manipulative had to wait for the rewards to eventually drip down to them after a terrible scandal. Look at the 80s bad boy of the Liverpool Militant party Derek Hatton. After bleeding his city dry he had to go through over a decade of having his windows put through until Century Radio and other media outlets turned him into another

mindless pundit.

All Insider can really say is ‘people. let us get a huge sack and bag ‘em all - the Hamiltons. Jeffrey Archer. Fawn Hall, Anna Nicole Smith, the lngrams. Edwina Currie. Monica Lewinsky (they will do for starters) and let‘s drown

them like puppies.‘

Hilariously. the shoot was stopped half way through when MacGowan insisted a wheelchair—bound old boy barfly be in the Video —- lights had to be lowered and cameras re-angled in the interior of Glasgow's legendary Baird’s Bar.

I Finally. letter of the week to insiderialistco. uk goes like this: ‘Dear Insider. I want to know what my cat gets up to when she's not staring at me like she wants to eat my face when I'm dead. or bullying the dog upstairs (inexplicany named ‘Lady'. though no lady I know licks her own parts in public like thatl. Can you put me in touch With someone who makes Cat Cams? I want to attach a camera to the stripey feline to see where she goes and what she sees.' Insider recommends that you log on to http: wwwlandover

baptistorg newsO/(M ll()lll()[)l'(}\’(}llll() n.litnil, it won't help but you will laugh like a drain.

The Front

I lhelluotes

‘l’m bored by Trainspotting. I’m not saying I’d rather have started my career doing loads and loads of Taggarts but every time it’s mentioned I’m like: “Oh for fuck’s sake.”’ Key/n NICK/dd on that narcotic-fuelled albatross round his neck.

‘If I had a wart on my nose, I’d get it taken off. Why not do something to stop your face dropping? But I don’t want to look like Joan Rivers.’

Sir Cliff gives us the low-down on nips and fucks.

‘Oprah could beat Bush. Hands down. America loves her. She’s got good politics, she’s got a good heart, and she’d have us all up at six in the morning jazzercising.’ Michael Moore gets lust plain silly in his latest anti-Dubya crusade.

‘At school I was very much an outsider. l was dyslexic, had asthma, a speech impediment and confused sexuality. l was a geeky, scrawny, underweight kid who liked strange music and didn’t fit in at all.’

VI/O/(XNHO to the tainted life of Marc Almond.

‘My other loves were like puppy dogs. They were practice for the real thing. I kissed a bunch of frogs and finally found my prince.’ Britney has another subtle go at poor old Timbertoes.

‘I tried to study my cat Oliver, but he only came when I opened the refrigerator and the only thing he said back to me was “meow”.’ Antonio Bt’i/ideras discusses his intense pl'e-S/i/‘ek 2 research

for Puss in Boots.

X" .l:i~ 5‘ i\..:: THE LIST 9