HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES (18) 85min (Tartan DVD) 00

Pretty much the best thing about this schlocky horror flick is the title. and the fact that the writer and director is Rob Zombie. Sadly. it's an incoherent splatter of a gore test. a film with its heart in the right place (carved out the chest cavin and served on a platter. probably). which fails to deliver. even on a cheesy cult level. Some college kids run out of gas and meet a crazy hick family who then torture and abuse them every which way going in a movre so painfully nu-goth and S&M-lite that it looks like an extended Marilyn Manson video.

(Doug Johnstonei


(18) 105min (Universal DVD Retail) 0..

Presaging the Cool Britannia era of Trainspotting et al. this dystopian movie is most notable as the acting debut of Jude Law and the directorial starting point of Paul Anderson (helmer of unfairly neglected sci-ti horror flick Event Horizon and the long-awaited up- comer Alien Vs Predator).

In Anderson's hands. then, this piece is atmospherically shot. conjuring benighted images of Britain as a Blade Ruri/ieresgue

54 THE LIST 7') 12" Aug ?()()~'.

Dean impression Wild-child Billy and then-wrfe—to-be Sadie Frost as the love interest are ill-cast as louts. despite their obvious chemistry. Extras include the original trailer and cast interviews.

(David Pollock)

metropolis populated by gangs of edgy. ram- raiding youths. Such blatant hijacking of (these were the days before the Criminal Justice Bill Act. remember) front page news now seems a mite trite. while Law doing his best James



(12) 452min

(Warner Home Video) 00

r .. A. r :3

Gettysburg (1993) and its prequel, Gods and Generals (2003) are whopping, vainglorious

messes of then CNN mogul Ted Turner’s making.

Both are slushed with dollars yet appear badly made (for TV). Both come utterly puffed with Deep South sanctimony. Both rarely cease in evoking some bloodthirsty, white male Christian God. Slavery, meanwhile, is reduced to a couple of cameos, with actors straight from Uncle Tom’s casting agency proclaiming a love of servitude and fine old Southern gentlemen with big beards and ancestral links to the production crew. They last slightly longer than your average invasion of Iraq, and director of both epics Ronald F Maxwell effectively marches to the same drum twice with diminishing returns. Martin Sheen plays General Lee like Colonel Blimp meets Colonel Saunders (The West Wing suddenly seems like a vague memory). Robert Duvall’s infinitely more understated take on Lee in Gods and Generals is instantly preferable, though just one of many instances where the two films jar rather than complement. Gettysburg, however, remains the lesser banality, by virtue of Jeff Daniels’ genuinely affecting performance as Lt Colonel Chamberlain. His are the only set of ridiculous whiskers with any real humility or humanity (he’s a Union man, which sits oddly with the films’ Confederate bias. This, in turn, sits uncomfortany . . . anyway they lost, right?) Doughtin leading his men in a death or glory bayonet charge, Chamberlain provides the eight hour saga’s only real excitement, as elsewhere, perfectly rendered rows of cannon fodder take turns to shoot seven shades of historically accurate death from one another in sequences that never end the folly of war eclipsed only by the folly of watching such rank and file tedium. Extras include a Bob Dylan music video, a Leslie Nielsen-voiced documentary and Tom Berenger wearing a veritable badger. (Jay Richardson)



BBC1, Sun 8 Aug, 10.15pm 0000

Like an afterwork pint on a Friday. Sunday dinner and the blues on a Monday. Match of the Day is something you can measure your life by. The cheery little tune. usually bearing tidings of your team's fourth successive defeat (speaking as an Evenon fan). never fails to raise some cheer. And so. in its KIDth year. the great and the good and Jimmy Hill gather up to Sing ‘Happy Birthday. The line-up of guests includes George Best. Brian Clough. Gary Lineker. Des Lynam. Delia Smith. Bobby Robson and. of course. ‘Toepoke' Hill. Lynam set the bar for cool. wry helmsmanship and it's fair to say that Lineker has taken over admirably. while the show has survived Premiership moves. The spoiler is its scheduling to Sunday: that's just not right. iRuth Hedgesi


BBC3, Mon 9 Aug, 9pm 00

There are two kinds of people in this world: those who see the words ‘martial arts' in the TV listings and go 'cooool'. and girls. In this new ten-parter. martial arts expert and wearer of very bad facial hair Chris Crudelli. travels the globe taking a look at different disciplines and their techniques before amazing the working classes with his skills back in Blighty.

Well. that's the theory practice. the first two episodes give us one man pulling a 1% -1 ton

truck with his penis and another knocking a chap down purely by shouting: apparently he can also kill small birds wrth this technique. All of this is interspersed with footage of Crudelli smashing files etc. Passably entertaining in a World's Strongest Mari kind of way. the biggest yin in the programme's yang is Crudelli himself. With his droning Midlands accent and cod philosophy. you find yourself begging to see him get his head kicked. iOordon Eldrett)

l-lFAlTl l DOCUMEN lARY MY BREASTS ARE TOO BIG Channel 4, Wed 11 Aug, 9pm 0000

Thankfully this is not the latest decrepit Jordan vehicle. but rather an insightful and considered documentary about the pros and cons of breast reduction surgery One of the most invasive and dangerous of plastic surgery procedures. breast reduction is becoming more


commonplace these days. both for medical and aesthetic reasons. Of the three women featured here. Rebecca is the most sympathetic and clearly has her life changed by the surgery. while medical student Holly obvrously has a whole heap of self image issues surrounding her decision.

There is extensive girii(>:;()rii(> f()()tzigj(2 where Rebecca gets over a kilogram of flesh removed. and this is very definitely not a programme for the squeamish. Nevertheless it is a balanced. ll)i()l’ll‘£lll\.’(} and emotionally gripping piece of documentanr work. and should be applauded for not going down the cheap and tacky route; one iiiicharacteristic and childish shot of two eggs frying in a pan aside. «Doug Johnstonel

E4, Thu 12 Aug, 10pm 0000

The funeral business seemed like such a giggle a couple of series ago but these days it’s by far the least weird thing about the Fisher household. Returning for a fourth series and still comfortably holding its momentum, the main element that made Six Feet Under stand out from its contemporaries remains strong. That is, the idea of just how well it mirrored real life in all its untidy and open ended ways.

Like life, closure was a rare and much desired beast and the close of the last series saw each of the characters embroiled in some form of upheaval: Lisa had disappeared leaving Nate ridden with guilt and confusion, David was once again trying to resist the pull of Keith, Claire had just had an abortion and mum Ruth had gotten


This curtain raiser is pretty much as dark as you could get for a return, as the truth comes out about Lisa’s disappearance, but fans will recognise the slow burning, brooding nature of Six Feet Under scripts (especially in the truly tremendous second series).

The only wish is maybe for a little fortune for the Fisher family, but when did happy families ever make good drama? (Mark Robertson)