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Video not nasty

For most people, it’s just the dreary place where you can hire a VHS for the evening. But for Nick Holdstock, his local video shop is nirvana.

ot a hundred days til Purple Rain; not the

tireworks ol a thousand dying stars; nor a

million Alahaina cheerleaders leaping high into the air. their scarlet pom poms a hurst ol~ pre-pulwscent hlooms: none ol‘ these is praise enough. stillicient lttltlttl'e. Tor the (iotl yision that is cinema. I.o\'e eltiltl oi the Lumiercs: worshipped in palaces that rose from soot and Depression. Who among us does not know its catechism. its gods and saints. its 3-1 truths a second‘.’

But then there is Video. :\s erassly eager to please as your high school crush: the girl whose name you crumhled into your Rice Krispies: the girl who has since heen mangled hy an intentional car crash. Yoti can just ptisli it in. And this girl. she charters. hurhles out a measly stream of what~happens—next. l-don‘t-Iike-her. nii—please-put-yiiur-hand-here. With yideo there can he no litiin or calm. no gloom ot reyerence. A moaning phone. a ringing hladder. a suspected gonadal lump: these are deemed ample excuse l'or turning the lights on. pressing pause. slipping ollones pants. No. there can he no douht: Video is a cheap mistress. a street stroller not fit to wipe the dtist from the projectofs lens.

And yet there are days when one's perineum itches to see Bull Dar/rum. When you must reliye the charm ol‘ (‘ostner. the suaye and sexed way he speaks of those wet kisses that last for three days and. oh my. And since one cannot demand of (iod. cannot petition him through prayer. one has little choice. Scratch yourself hloody: or trudge out to the nearest parlour. head down. raincoat htittoned. And for most this is a sullen al'l'air. a trudge through genres. action-adyenttire. rom-com. l’amily. horror. thriller. a tepid qtiest for what They (and their computer) say is delinitely there. And when the strip lights haye ground you down. the colours forced your gorge to rise. then you may he allowed to make your way. Hill/HUN]! in hand. limply towards the checkout stalled hy people who haye seen eyery' film eyer made. except for any of the good ones.

This is how it goes. But for the people of Marchmont. and. l liaye heard tell. for the dent/ens of that queer coye known as Saint .-\ndrews. there is another. hetter world. These fortunates frequent an establishment known as :\lphahet.

I:‘.\"l.' Mfg/11. A glossy red and hlack yideo store. To its right. a priyet hedge: to its left. the Kashah and the chemist where l htiy my ruhher things. A ice cream sign swings in the wind. .-\nd it we track into the front window we do not see the grossly swollen huttocks of Miss Scarlett Johansson. .\'or a nine toot effigy of \Villem l)al'oe's memher. No. we see a display of~ glittering gold tot‘l‘ees: long loyed Guthrie records; coloured paper squares: signs of an aesthetic. that there is more to this place than the promotion of product.

ONE'S

10 THE LIST ' Feb-8 Mir .‘ffF

‘THERE ARE DAYS WHEN

PERINEUM ITCHES TO SEE BULL

DURHAM '

We anoint ottt‘sel\es; \\ e cross the llll'L‘\llUltl and how the grand design unfolds. The lloors shine. the hearth heckons and the racks. they rise tip with their hundred thousand million sights. tip. tip. tip to the ine//anine of horror. troy e of long l'orgotten gems like . . .

There are films you thought only you had seen. I-ilms organised hy and l'or those who know. hy star and director. .-\nd as your eye scans through a career. truths hecoinc apparent. That Rohin \Villiains neyer wanted to he l‘unny. That Rohert Redford has always heen oyei'- rated; that .lohn Trayolta really shotild he killed.

This is where it happens. This is where the couples l‘orm and hreak. \\ here she says l-want-to—see- l’itt/(‘rowe. where he whines l-_iust—think—she's—a-gtiod— actress. This is the true garden ol‘ forking paths. where the choice is made. And it is where l hegan to loye Cruise. It was during my ('ruise-a-thon. my 37 hour witness to his many struggles. that I understood. He showed me all the things I do not want to he: a pool hustler. a yampire. a racing driyer.

And there is something \yyrd ahout these shely es. sortie strange alchemy that produces perfect douhle hills. You rent .lr'rry .llugurn'. Yotr rent Rig/ii u! l/lt' Roy/um: .’\nd the scene in the first that hrings the tears heeomes. in the latter. the one that hrings the smiles.

How this happens. no one knows. not eyen the one that they call l’riest:

Professor; liixer. a man whose .sole pursuit outside of

film consists of constructing clockwork dogs that w hirr and spin in a mode that speaks of pure inyention. He and the others minister with infinite discretion. You could rent l’t'ur/ Harbour three times in a row and nothing would he said. not a snigger escape. They leaye that to the hlack. suspended lish. the tarred list poised to punch in judgement. [1 sees: it knows; it rememhers. But do not he deceiy ed hy' hreathy' tones ol' wonder. Alphahct is many things. But it is not the temple. not the luminescent altar at which we all must kneel. It is an emergency room: it is there for those “I!” Dar/rum moments.

PlUCKlNG FRUITS FROM THE CULTURAL BUSH

I Yiopee ki \Cty. motherfucker?

Finally, the film news you've heen waiting for; nine years: after lit; i')redecessor's release. Die Hard 4 is getting the go-ahuatt for filming. Every/ones favourite orange ruhher vest model. Bruce Willis. has been a consultant to the Writing and rewriting. and revviitiiig, and rewriting of the scnpt. hot new it seems that scriptwntei Doug Richardson (who also wrote Hostage. in which Willis s étllt:fl,‘. is domg the busmess. All that the cagey Mr Willis wetild reveal earlier this month was that klohn McClane has retired as a cop.‘ But not. you can he sure, at; a sayiour of the human race from the dark forces of evn . . Bug eyed Audrey Arne/ie Tautou is about to Slet up for her first American film, and the fee looks set to be positively eye-popping. The French actress is in talks to star opposite 'lom Hanks in Columbia Pictures' film of Dan Brown's best-selling thriller The Da Vinci Code. Filming is scheduled to begin this summer. With release pencdled in for May 2006 . . . PreCOCious English direct0r Sam Mendes. now familiar with the lows (Road to Perdition) as well as the highs (American Beauty; of l’lolIw/ood life. is well On the way to making his most controverSial film yet. Jar/iead is an adaptation of a best-selling memoir of the Gulf War. starring Jake Gyllenhaal and Jamie Foxx. Fingers crossed that he‘ll succeed in making. like the book, an unflinching pertrayal of the loneliness and brutality of warfare . . . On a more melodramatic note. Tim Roth, Neve Campbell and Nick Nolte have signed up to star in moody murder mystery The Death of Harry Tobin. set on an isolated English island. It's set to film in lreland this spring. Can't wait to hear how Nolte will manage that English accent . . .