RearV‘iew ANSWER MACHINE
Having worked hard on the comedy circuit to make his name as the most deadpan comic of them all, JACK DEE won the hearts of the mainstream nation by becoming the inaugural winner of Celebrity Big Brother. Which has to be the only thing he has in common with Bez, surely? So, as he warms up for a pair of dates in Scotland, we got to wondering why he has a thing about weapon- grade plutonium and about that time he put a dance partner in hosphaL
Which time in history would you have loved to have lived?
I would have been very comfortable living as an Edwardian gent. I‘d like to reintroduce the formal wear in town. Everyone should wear hats. and I
don‘t mean baseball caps. Also I‘d have to have a note from my doctor so that I don‘t get
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conscripted.
Your house is on fire, loved ones and pets are all safe. You have a chance to go back and retrieve one thing. So, what would it be? I don‘t think I'd bother. I'd qwte welcome the chance to start again WithOut all the rubbish I've acouued.
What’s the longest time you’ve slept soundly in one go over the last five years?
I hardly ever have trouble sleeping.
What was the last thing you stole?
I'm no thief and I resent the insmuation.
What’s your least favourite country? AmbrOSia. Nowhere should be like rice pudding. What’s the most rock’n’roll thing you’ve done today?
I came to a door that said 'pull' but I pushed and I opened it anyway. I'm crazy like that.
If you could wake up tomorrow having obtained one ability what would it be?
To be able to fly. Or even just hover.
How many times a day do you look in the mirror?
Who the hell counts stuff like that? Probably every time I brush my teeth. So that's Monday mornings. Comedy: does it break or does it bend?
I have no idea what you are talking about and if you really think about it. neither do you.
OK, how about this one: you could quit your job and start afresh tomorrow. You even have the skills to do something completely new. What would you choose to do?
Resign from the ‘completely new‘ thing and try my hand at stand-up.
Do you consider yourself organised? How often do you have to look for your keys?
I‘m not at all well organised. If I find the keys I still have to look for the car.
Tell us the punchline to your favourite joke? No.
What’s your favourite biscuit?
Maryland cookies. Chocolate and hazelnut.
How big do you tip in restaurants?
Big if the service is good. Stiff when it isn‘t. When did you last laugh out loud while reading a book?
It was a book I wrote which was supposed to be serious. As a result. I decided not to have it published.
Have you ever exploited your position to get something? Did you get the results you hoped for?
I once used my name to purchase some weapon- grade plutonium. It was successful, but I must stress that it was for private use only.
When did you last dance? What was the occasion?
I tried to tango for a TV show I made a few years ago. It resulted in my partner having to be taken to A&E with an ankle injury. I told her to slow it down. Do gentlemen prefer blondes?
A gentleman would never say.
What’s your biggest regret?
I can‘t really say but it had a lot to do with the plutonium thing (see above).
Are you a cat or dog person?
Woof.
Who is the best-dressed British celebrity? What gives them that special something?
I wouldn‘t know where to begin. I find that kind of thing less and less interesting all the time. Most celebrities turn out looking like they've spent hours getting ready because they have and that’s all they've achieved.
What’s your all-time favourite sitcom? Why? It varies. Because I do.
What do you like best about your life? The private parts. . I: I , ‘ -- . .
AndFinally...
SOME OF THE GREAT UNANSWERED QUESTIONS OF OUR TIME
How much is involved when having too much of a good thing?
Why is it near impossble to get a phone with the exact ring that they have in the C'lll ottim of 24?
If it’s OK for football officials to question the integrity of players by booking them for diving, why is not OK for football clubs to then question the integrity of decisions made by match officials?
Why is Elton John playing concerts at Rugby Park and Easter Road?
Do we really need a ghost festival? When yOu type the word 'luckWit' into Googlc. why is John Prescott's name the first one that appears?
Is that a real egg?
Why should any of us really care a lot about Kerry Katona-McFadden's pro-divorce makeover?
l-las Edinburgh become the first International City of Roadworks?
How many chavs does it take to change a lightbulb?
That car ad with Gene Kelly: why oh why?
Celebrity Wrestling With Kate Lawlcr: why oh why?
What’s 50 Cent’s favourite gun?
Will the US version of The Office be rubbish or dire?
Why is anyone with a bit of talent and under the age of 27 described as an enfant terrible?
Given that Zeta is her middle name. why does Catherine Zeta-Jones spell her name With a hyphen?
Whenever the act of ‘splt roasting’ appears in a daily newspaper, why is it always in quotation marks?
Have you got your chip and pin?
Why can’t people use bins?
What. Virginia Woolf isn‘t Scottish, then? Rigid gas permeable or oxygen permeable?
Why do so many people have that Australian rising inflection these days. making every statement sound like a question?
Whose line is it anywafl