SPL TITLE RACE
Who will weather the storm?
I If a week is a long time in politics, then 180 minutes is all it takes for a football league championship to spin wildly on its head. With Celtic’s victory over Rangers at Ibrox taking Martin O’Neill’s side five points clear with four games left, all bets were off in both the bookies and the press boxes. While the Daily Record merrily reported on Celtic being denied a trophy presentation at Tynecastle (“You can’t have title party here Celts’), The Herald insisted that Gers boss Alex McLeish was focussing on next season: ‘Rangers start clear-out.’
So, when Hibs came calling at Parkhead and Rangers went to the wet and windy wilds of Pittodrie for both sides to score 3-1 away victories, the editorial positions shifted quicker than Fernando Ricksen avoiding an Aberdonian missile. ‘They think it's all over?’ queried The Sunday Herald; ‘We’ve hit Celtic with title wave’ insisted Ibrox’s ponytailed predator Dado Prso through the Daily Record ’3 headline writer and ‘jolts from the blue’ was the Evening Times’ contribution to the conditions striking Martin O’Neill’s jovial mood.
Quite where the next twist and turn comes is anyone’s guess in the countdown to the final games. But while the hearts of supporters will be in their mouths, sportswriters’ fingers
will be hovering over their copy with a
little more reticence.
Gaffes, blunders and a little bit of political honesty
I Almost as predictable as a third Blair victory was the spiel from the politicians during the live election night coverage: ‘lt’s too early to judge’; ‘don’t believe the exit polls’ and ‘I know my party has been
8 THE LIST 12—26 May 2005
i MM... ‘
1 '~> ’ ~
A";
#857337 m Slot slim -- ‘fi - f 5i." .42-, luff...“ / i
“all Stats iii/i5, {Metal/rice ‘ , I“ ygefld 5" ' igf/
Blondes, bladders and barbs
'li-y-..:‘JO~;‘ m
-I'u “J, L. ‘ '. w a - ‘ ¢ 1.. ,~"'4.A: ’5»- ‘. ‘_v. 51.]; “ 4‘9: V "‘4 '. ,J-a I W o, (is [ill/{9m 440;,
I Walking may be good for you, cycling might keep the environment clean and ‘going home in an ambulance’ will get you into bed quicker, but we still believe that the car’s the star. Car magazines veer from the sublime to the ridiculous, swerving sharply into the lane marked ‘you what?’ Fast Car offers its readers a free key detector flashing alarm. We particularly like the competition which requires you to match the cleavage to the Miss Fast Car 2005 candidate and there are reports on a rally car battle of the sexes and an article about innovative paint work entitled ‘Glow Job.’
I Slightly classier is Evo whose motto is ‘the thrill of driving’, contrasting neatly with the Fast Car ethos which is summed up as ‘the thrill of seeing some slag leaning over your bonnet with her top pulled up over her fake-tanned cleavage.’ In Eva’s editorial, Peter Tomalin worries himself to sleep over the fate of the MG Rover. ‘First, let the Chinese have the Rovers, then find a sugar daddy for MG; Proton, Kia, someone like that.’ Classic Cars has the word ‘classic’ on the cover four times and inside has ‘classic’ racing drivers telling funny stories: ‘Hawthorn exceeded his bladder capacity. Next we knew, Collins thought it was raining.’ That kind of thing.
I And no car criticism round-up would be complete without Jezza Clarkson. There he is beaming out from the Beeb’s Top Gear buyers’ guide, while within he is being endlessly cheerful, asides from the odd ‘all the cars on this list are terrible’ barb. That guy just loves his job.
completely wiped off the political spectrum but overall it’s been a jolly good night for us.’ But in the morning, a sense of reality dawned. The Scotsman reported on David Blunkett letting slip that Tony Blair was set to jerk the country out of its apathy with an immediate cabinet reshuffle. ‘We will see what the Prime Minister wishes me to do tomorrow,’ he coughed up. Meanwhile, over in the blue comer, the paper reported that Michael
Portillo was even joining in the muted congratulations for this historic Labour hat-trick. ‘lt’s an amazing result. This makes Tony Blair a bigger winner on aggregate than Margaret Thatcher.’ But the most honest view was spouted by Noel Gallagher, reported in The Herald insisting that he had few qualms in voting Labour. ‘If the Conservatives had won, then Phil Collins was threatening to come back. And none of us want that.’
‘I am now going to be expressing my personal life through art.’
Britney was born to make us happy.
‘What would matter is, has she given birth to herself yet to the point where she can raise a child? I was 31 when I had my first child and I hadn’t given birth to myself.’
Jane Fonda offers some words of ‘wisdom' to the expectant superstar.
‘Being Scottish and stingy, I’m proud of the fact I made my album for nothing. Maybe it’s because I’m tight, but I love roughing it.’ Mylo stays close to his roots.
‘Some lucky fucker is going to get £250 on You’ve Been Framed, I’m sure.’
Kasabian 's Serge Pizzorno gets all philosophical over the bottle thrown at him from the Glasgow Carling Academy crowd.
‘It will be something simple, with the emphasis on the party afterwards.’
Pete Doherty's guide to the perfect wedding.
‘As long as it’s not being used for weapons of mass destruction or Hearts, then we’d consider it.’
Charlie Reid is wary of certain organisations adopting Proclaimers tunes.
‘In addition to my own sense of style, I think a lot of people admire Tinkerbell’s look. I made this collection for the stylish pooches of the world.’
Thanks to Paris Hilton, dogs wr/l no longer have to wear tartan body warmers or have dodgy haircuts.