FITTING ROOM KINSHIP (“Mom {Hebe Joints 5

Sucking the bloo of popular entertainment

Patriotism is the penultimate refuge of the scoundrel, with the last. of course. being Maryhill Benefits Office. So the Leech is always happy to blow the trumpet for our ain folk. just as long as nobody joins in on the pipes. Arriving at Oran Mor to find smug satisfaction in the achievement of others. the Leech and his golden horn could be found mixing with Scotland's artistic cognoscenti. drinking champagne for Leukaemia Research at a tribute to the late poet and actress Gail Wylie. James Kelman, Alasdair Gray, Eddi Reader and Belle and Sebastian were just some of the talent resisting the Leech's inebriated request for an impromptu jazz duet. Disaster loomed when auctioneer Anita Manning announced a “guitar signed by Franz

There’s a unique and joyous camaraderie among women waiting for their menfolk to try on new gear. Rather than rolling their eyeballs. they have a shared kind of glee, whether it‘s about how hot their blokes will look in the new stuff, or a darker, more controlling force that propels so many females to try to mould the perfect man.

Ferdinand himself‘, the Leech's is?! Like any more or less true Scot. the weakness for obscure World War I Leech salutes the courage. strength memorabilia threatening The Lists and indefatigability of our nation's annual biscuit budget. It transpired spikiest thorn in the paw of American that this was some tuneless lump threats and rapacious desires to buy of firewood defaced by a bunch of the planet. No. not that grandstander improbably well dressed musicians George Galloway and his bare- and not the most celebrated faced mockery of US Congress. Nor instrument of the Austro-Hungarian less Sir Alex Ferguson and his po- court's parlour games. Both the charity faced show of indifference to Malcolm and McVities profited by this Glazer's purchase of the discovery. the guitar eventually selling Manchester Super Devils. even Eta Few pursuits are as practically for a substantial 522600. This was as the franchise moves to Salt Lake tedious as monster hunting. Yet with $300 more than Billy Connolly's City for an exhibition match with more time to enjoy our lives than ever signed banjo and 522600 more than dance-metal duo Utah Saints. No. the before. we've becoming increasingly the Leech's trumpet. which was Leech is referring to the Scottish dedicated to finding ways to kill confiscated after a struggle. Highland authorities. who allegedly ourselves. Apparently Scots men are It's such a peculiar tactic. You've confiscated a four inch tooth found more likely to be adrenosexual than just made a new person and they're . in a deer carcass on the banks of other British blokes. This refers not to as small as they‘re ever going to be. Loch Ness by two American students another form of sex the Leech isn't You're very proud of your masquerading as mentalists. With no getting. but an addiction to adrenaline. handiwork, of course, so why not thought for the area's tourist industry. According to a spurious sCientific push them about in something that a single bailiff swooped on the study. 61 "t; of Scots regularly walk could pass as an articulated lorry? prehistoric beastie poachers and tightropes or reintroduce wolves into The compact convenience of babies seized the dentistry in question. Its the Highlands. Metrosexual lvlan. Wllll cannot be understated, and taking whereabouts are now unknown. but all his moisturising. is dead. The Leech up the entire pavement, the students have hired a forensics rather Suspects he was fatally pistol- supermarket aisle or lift with your expert who is offering a 8100.000 reward whipped by some adreno-junkie little bundle of joy in a glorified tank for the return of Nessie's gnasher. who'd played too much paintball. isn’t going to endear him to anyone.

the unprOteCted annals 0F D C JaCKson seize?

Going anywhere I'd |iKe to go Somewnere exciting and BUt somewhere that's also gm 3 1 . . . nice on hO|iday adventuy-OUS - FOr the Kids. TlCh CUItUre arid ' YOU Know MafChmg season In Bell:an 686m Albino Joe? IF I can get the time ChUrCheS an that. FOr the wire Albino Joe?

D C JaCKSOh.

12 THE LIST 26 May—9 Jill‘. 2005