thLEECH
Sucking the blood of popular entertainment
I Whenever the Leech's afternoon nap rages out of control. nothrng conjures three consonants and a solitary vowel arrangement gurcker than waking to the doo doo-do drddly-doo POW! of Countdown’s final conundrum. Another day passed and everyone else is a little older and wrser' about how mentally unremarkable they are. except perhaps Carol Vorderman. who quite spitefully seems to be getting yetrnger and. dare the Leech say it? No. On reflectron. the Leech dare not and is hastily underlining a mental note to stop fancyrng people bright enough to know. and do. better. But the Leech couldn't let this co‘umn pass WIIilOtli paying respects to Sir Richard \thrteley. Not only did this knight of the alphabet av-raken feelrngs of tolerance and solidarity ll‘ the l eech towards students. the elderly. the unemployed and the rest of the ostensibly useless. But wrth hrs bad puns and gentle bumbletwatten. he helped cure the leech's belief that a// Yorkshiremen are
stubborn and r‘eedlessly aggressive. “Mice Nightly. you were a national treasure and v-rrll never be forgotten.
I Still. time waits for no man. as the late w'iatsl‘rsf; ce from (,‘ountdown rs probably aware. So tl‘e Leecl‘ swiftly s\.".'rtcl‘ed ~. l(}‘.'.«"l‘rg allegiance to a new Bl'lilSii hero. tennis n‘ruridev'krrtd Ar‘dy Mtrrray. Unlike Sir Sean Corinery tal‘ro tlf‘(i(—?."S§i£i.’l(i8 t't‘e patriotic pride a Scot needs to |r\.'e abroad and whose
"‘.rtdL-C" .() ,(-‘:'l.'(}(,13trlt (.‘(ile ‘.'.’(i$i‘t
'lost it the post'. yeah. you'll get what's cornrng. Barker . the Leech perceives in Murray the most thorough portrayal of sheer teenagerness since Harry Enfreld got happy-slapped for making Kevin and Perry GO Large. My. how the media amused itself With stories of Murray staying in bed until 10.30 in the morning and being kicked out by his mum. 10.30?! For shame! The Leech derrdes your puny display. Murray! The Leech abandons hrs scratcher for a full fry up only once the better part of the day has been wasted. Only Lazarus and Linda Evangelista have negotiated better deals.
I But from Murrayfreld lll SW19 to Murrayfreld and U2. The Leech has always followed Bones pontrfrcatrng strictly to the lyric sheet. and over the years has adopted as many of hrs contradictory political utterances as there are anthems of unalloyed spiritual purity on the Leech's limited edition. JOIll the 57-10 fansrte for first drbs. G8- baiting, U2 iPod. So when the group launched into a mOyrng rendition. of ‘Rurrnrrtg to Stand Strll‘ rn tribute to
incarcerated Burmese leader Aung San Suu Kyr. the UN Declaration of Human Rights scrolling behind them. it seemed somehow appropriate that two drunken diets near the Leech heard a Signal to smack seven hon bells out of one another. If you can't be bothered listening to the words. at least read the grant neon ones. the gentle Signing and faintly audible tut-tuttlng of exeryone around them seemed to say. the". the band launched IntO Pride and exeryone abandoned thoughts of intenentron to punch air and chant about Mart=n Luther King getting shot. R<‘<:k"‘.'r()ll really moyes people and f :t‘s t<~ the casual disregard of clenched
lists. ‘.'-.'ell. that's super.
Don't waste time wading through entire sporting tournaments. They’ll definitely be dull and there's always the threat of a Cliff Richards pitch invation. Just tune in at the end and watch the musical round-up, compiled by frustrated filmmakers and highlighting the highest highs, the lowest lows, the tantrums and the laughs to an appropriately clever soundtrack. It even makes snooker look gripping.
r I: . y I I i "n .
Worn by people out jogging, that is. ‘Of course, I don’t just run round this piddly little park you know. As you can see from my T-shirt, I have done a marathon. Yes, I have. Now look upon me with awe as l breeze past your huffing, puffing carcass. Please, amateur riff-raft in your top which is covered in paint from doing the decorating, get out of my way.’ Seriously, what do they want? Another medal?
the unpreteCted annals 0F D C JaCKson B°E’3‘§2;.i‘i,°“
so my American uncle is Visting. Always boasting as usual...
‘4 " Ki. .Jtr i/‘lT/Lfl‘,
He says he always orders the most expensive thing on the menu...
Lob$ter and Fol gras From rGStaUrantS, the FIDGSt
Champagne and brandy From bars...
And unprOteCted anfiromi
the bunny ranch. l