He’s about to have his first novel republished alongside a personal journey through the haunts of Inspector John Rebus. But who does IAN RANKIN consider as ‘god-Iike’ and why is he less than keen on little Jimmy Osmond?

Which time in history would you love to have fived?

I'd love to have lived in late—18th century Edinburgh. as long as I had a bit of cash. Imagine: the pubs filled with poets. slatterns. and aristos escaping the French Revolution; a young Walter Scott playing Colonel Grogg in one drinking club. Mr Tytler flying over the city in his hot-air balloon (the first such flight in the UK). Conspiracies and public riots and cheap oysters. It would have given me so much material for stories.

Your house is on fire, loved ones and pets are safe, you have a chance to retrieve one thing, what would it be?

The notes for my next book.

What’s the longest time you’ve slept soundly in one go over the last five years?

If by 'sleep soundly‘ you mean ‘crash out in a drunken stupor'. then I‘ve certainly managed ten hours on the trot. More often. its five or six hours. What was the last thing you stole?

’1 (I L'.

RearView ANSWER MACHINE

I use hotels a lot when touring. Does stationery count? I always take the pens and notepads. What’s the most rock’n'roll thing you’ve done today?

Being photographed for a magazine. Mind you. it was Volvo Magazine, which makes it slightly less rock‘n‘roll.

If you could wake up tomorrow and have obtained one ability what would it be?

I’d love to be able to fly. Wouldn’t half cut down the commute to the pub.

How many times a day do you look in the mirror?

I never look in the mirror. except when shaving. So. every five or six days.

You could quit your job and start afresh tomorrow and do something completely new. What would you choose to be?

A rock star. Either that or a satirical cartoonist.

Do you consider yourself organised?

I am insanely organised. and always know where my keys. phone and credit cards are.

Tell us the punchline to your favourite joke? ‘For Hans that does dishes can feel soft as Gervase with mild. green hairy-lipped squid.’

What, if anything is too serious to joke about? Nothing is too serious to joke about. I've been hearing New Orleans jokes this week; it‘s a natural reaction to the feeling of impotence when tragedy strikes.

What’s your favourite biscuit?

My favourite biscuit is actually a cake: a custard slice.

What would be your ideal birthday present? A copy of Let It Bleed signed by the original Rolling Stones line—up.

What song would you hate to be played at your funeral?

‘Long Haired Lover from Liverpool'.

When did you last laugh out loud while reading a book?

I probably laughed out loud while reading Martin Amis’ Money. That was several years ago.

Have you ever exploited your position to get something?

I did try to use my hallowed celeb status to get into the VIP bar at the opening-night film of this year's Edinburgh Film Festival. It didn't work. Later on. I found out the bar actually uses a framed photo of me as part of its decor. Bloody cheek.

Who would you like to play you in the film of your life? Who do you actually think would play you?

I'd like Ewen Bremner to play me in a film of my life. but I'd probably get Billy Bremner instead.

When did you last dance? I never dance. Literally, never.

Do gentlemen prefer blondes?

Gentlemen may prefer blondes; most men aren't all that specific.

Can you cook? What’s your signature dish?

I can cook a range of dishes: frozen chicken nuggets; fish fingers; burgers. My signature dish is Scotch Broth.

When did you last cry?

For some reason. I found myself welling up while watching Stephen Poliakoff’s The Lost Prince on the BBC a while back.

What makes you good at what you do? Perseverence.

What’s your lucky number?

It's 17. It's the number of the house where I grew up. I say it's lucky. but it never came up all the time I did the lottery.

What’s your biggest regret?

Being on holiday when REM emailed to say they

were fans. were in Edinburgh and wanted to take me to dinner. Never have met them.

Are you a cat or dog person?

I am a cat person. We own two. or rather. they deign to let us feed them.

Who is the best-dressed celebrity?

Paul Merton. On Have I Got News for You he once wore a shirt that was also in my collection; a Paul Smith that no longer fits me.

What’s your all-time favourite sitcom?

Black Books. I loved that it was set in a bookshop. Dylan Moran was wonderfully misanthropic and Bill Bailey is god-like.

What do you like best about your life?

My wonderful family (my wife is standing over me as I write).

What do you like least about your life?

My absolute need to read a paper in the morning before I can do anything else; it‘s hell for my family, especially on a Sunday (my wife is still standing behind me. by the way).

I Rebus’s Scotland and The Flood are both published on Thu 22 Sep by Orion.

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After many months of hard research, we can now happily reveal the first official chronological guide to Scottish nudity 800030400030 Mesolithic man makes an appearance in Scotland. Naked hunter-gatherer groups settle in Morton. in Fife and on the banks of the River Lussa.

79A!) The Romans invade Scotland and are met with fierce resistance from the local population of largely naked Caledonians. After fierce battles on both land and sea. the Romans claim victory and start taming what they see as native barbarians with their local cloth and stonewall skills. The Scottish peoples subsequently lose their taste for nakedness. 1297 The Battle of Stirling Bridge is the first recorded occasion that William Wallace allegwa uses the naked privates of his soldiers as a form of intimidation to the opposing forces. 1976-1907 Despite a sensible libertarian ‘Prescribed Areas' Nudity Act being passed in Australia in both 1976 and 1983, the UK does not follow suit. The closest Scotland comes to anything so defined is the Sexual Freedom Coalition's 1997 Manifesto which declares the illegality of nude/topless sunbathing in the UK as an anathema. They clearly have no idea how cold a Scottish summer gets.

2004 The first naked bike ride takes place in Edinburgh. The two-wheeled protest is not an attempt to further the nudist cause. rather to promote alternatives to the car.

2005 The UK's well-known “naked rambler‘. Stephen Gough is arrested and charged. On Friday. 9 September he is jailed for two weeks after being found guilty of a breach of the peace while walking along the A701 towards Edinburgh earlier in the month. He is convicted of exposing himself. causing fear and alarm and distracting drivers. Gough appears naked in court.