Sucking the blood of popular entertainment


{fin ll ' ’LI‘ ... “323-;— 1nd“

I There's been a murder. Actually. there have been hundreds. On 19 October. Glasgow will host the world's first Taggart convention and fans from as far away as Australia will be retracing the show's snuff scenes and watching videos of the detective. Oh, he's so cute. They might find the crime locales looking a little fresh though because. according to the United Nations. Scotland is now the most violent country in the developed world. Per head of population, violent crime in Scotland now rivals Johannesburg, Rio de Janeiro and ancient Sparta. Unsurprisingly, Strathclyde Police have started arming themselves with electro- shock Taser guns. those 50.000 volt heart attack diagnosers favoured in Saudi Arabia's less touristy parts. Amnesty international aren't the only ones to be alarmed by this development. On the Glasgow Underground. a retractable cattle prod no longer carries anything like the same threat to any miscreant who continues to sit while the Leech stands.

I The word 'dinosaur‘ derives from the Greek for terrible lizard. And that's what made Jurassic Park such box office gold. Big scary beasts chowing down on palaeontologists. So forgive the Leech for not applauding Dr Neil Clark of Glasgow University's Hunterian Museum and wishing him a meeting with a ravenous T-Rex. Dr Clark recently entered the Guinness Book of Records for finding the world's smallest dinosaur footprint. The print. from the Isle of Skye. meaSUres just 1.78cm long. And the w0rd ‘pish‘ derives from the Scots for piss-poor claims to posterity.

I The Dutch call stone skimming ‘plimpplampplettre' and treat it as the childish pasttime it is. But the Scots call it 'skiting' and ourselves Skiting World

Champions. Which seems a bit rich, what with the event being held on the Island of Easdale in the Inner Hebrides. Yes. when Scotland's not leading the world in bloodshed, it's in something touchingly useless set up in our back yard. Naturally, the Leech went along for a shot at the title and would have succeeded if it hadn't been for those

.1? J Eng; pesky local kids. Where in the rule books does it say a catapult can't be used? Dangerous weapon is such a hysterical description. A cattle prod though, now THAT'S a settler of arguments.

I Thankfully. the Leech didn't need Old Charger for the Elephant Polo World Championships in Thailand. Imagine the bedlam that would have caused. A real sport of the peOple this. if the peOple are at that ludicrous level of richness that owns an elephant and has enough spare time to race the hefty brutes over a field whacking balls. Elephants thin on the Highland ground, y0u might have th0ught. But no, for a second year running. Scotland has slowly walked off with the King's Cup after a golden goal against favourites Thailand. and Scotland captain, the Duke of Argyll, is pushing for elephant polo to become an event at the 2012 Olympics. And why not? Might even make the Leech watch the whole meaningless jamboree.

l l


The last time a UK-wide political party bearing the word ‘liberal’ in its name had such a strong chance of governing the country, tweed plus- fours were in fashion. Unfortunately, a gurning, lnversneckie vaguerist is their leader so that negates any possible chance of it happening. More than that - he’s a tobacco loving Roman Catholic. For that and for that alone we applaud him.


Come on, people, it’s like some ancient algebraic equation - fashion industry folk plus free time equals copious drug taking. The fashion house and tabloid staff who ‘j’accuse’d’ Kate Moss can all go to hell. Let those who have not sinned throw the first stone.


TaTU OK, so they’re not actually lezzers. or schoolgirls for that matter. and the fall-out of the last two years makes it seem like they had been picked up Fagin-style from the streets of Moscow. Amazingly, they're not even one-hit wonders. as new single “All About Us' went top ten.

Michael Jackson He's innocent. you know. They proved it in an American court of law and we know how reliable they are when it comes to truth. justice and OJ Simpson. Seriously though, stuck out there in Bahrain, twiddling his thumbs . . . idle hands and all that. We need to find him something to do for every kids' . . . sorry. everyone's sake.

Basil Brush The only TV presenter to remain sartorially sharp (Mr Whiteley aside. God rest his soul) throughout his years on the box, while still having a sense of humour and endless patience with children. The one way to turn around EastEnders' truly depressing storyline is to inject a bit of the old fox into the script. BOOM BOOM!

David Icke The shell suits were unforgivable but the more you listen to his rantings about how the world is run by giant lizards and how we're all being programmed to eat. shop and maim ourselves into oblivion, the more it seems to be happening. Watch cable TV reality shows for proof.

Kate Moss and Pete Doherty Actually, no let’s not.

(3 2t) Oct 9001') THE LIST 9