Loose-Iimbed. Rubbery. Sweaty. Just some of the adjectives which have been attached to LEE EVANS down the years. As he gets set to bring us his XL tour and DVD, he tells us about suits, shampoo and the Stone Age.
Your house is on fire, loved ones and pets are safe. If you could retrieve one thing, what would it be?
Well, who started the fire? It would have been me, I’d have wired something up wrong. It would have been my fault. But I’d run back in to get, I don’t know. a hose. But if everyone’s safe, why go back in?
In which time in history would you love to have lived?
Now. I’d want to live now. Why would you want to live any time other than where you are now? Although I wouldn’t mind being in the Stone Age. That would be all right; you hunt your own food, you get married just by dragging some woman’s hair back to the cave. Maybe the odd rave now and again. That would be brilliant.
What’s the last thing that you stole?
I stole some shampoo from some digs I was staying at a couple of weeks ago. But listen, | only used a bit of it and I put it back. It was a combined conditioner and shampoo. You should
1 12 THE LIST 17 Nov—i Dec 2005
have seen my fucking hair last week, it was all over the shop.
How many times a day do you look in the mirror?
Well, I haven’t looked in the mirror today yet. I got out the shower this morning, ran some water through my hair and came up to this office they got me in. I don’t want to know what I look like. Do you consider yourself organised? How often do you have to look for your keys?
I haven’t found them yet. I’m completely disorganised. My wife bought one of those key hooks, but now it’s full of keys and I don't know what key's what.
You once described yourself as an idiot. is that fair enough?
I suppose if you met me in the street you'd think I was an idiot. l was just being honest.
Tell us the punchline to your favourite joke? I don’t know any jokes. | just say what you think is funny. I don’t know anything about comedy, really. Is there an element of obsessive- compulsiveness about you?
If I said there was, I’d put the phone down and keep ringing you. I’d then start writing you letters. 80, l just think most of it comes from nerves. Have you ever had bad stage nerves?
Most of the act is that. I’m always stuttering. I’ve got all kinds of stuff going on in my head that it’s difficult to find my way through. It’s a mist at the beginning but then things start popping in. It’s just me making my way through that confusion. What's your favourite biscuit?
I love Digestives.
Who would you like to play you in the film of your life?
I wouldn’t like anyone to play me because it's mad and pointless. I can’t even consider someone making a film about me in the first place. I suppose if I really thought about it, somebody like Cary Grant. Or the Elephant Man.
Why is the tour called the XL tour?
My wife was washing some stuff one day, and I said: ‘How do you work out all this?’ On the label they got all these kinds of signs that say you can’t iron it or you can dry clean it or you can wash it in a hot wash. And I said: ‘How the fuck do you understand this?’ And there was a size on it which was my daughter Molly's size which I think was XS, which was extra small, so I thought, with all these large venues I'm going to, I'll put an XL on it. Are you a cat or a dog person?
I tried to cross a cat with a dog once. I ended up with a catdog and a slightly bigger catflap.
What song would you hate to be played at your funeral?
‘Return to Sender'.
How many suits do you think you get through in a tour?
It must be between about eight and ten. And by that time they're just touring on their own. They're knackered. My cleaner does look at me strangely these days. I said to him: ‘If you keep cleaning my suits, I’ll give you a credit in the show.’
What made you start wearing a suit on stage? It would be so much easier just to walk on in a pair of Speedos, but I think it all extends from my mum. When we were young we were on a council estate, and any time we were going out we’d dress up as smart as we could. If I'm going to meet a load of people I'm going to try and look the best I can, even though at the end of the show I probably look like the worst bloke in the world.
I Playhouse, Edinburgh, Tue 29 Nov; SECC, Glasgow, Wed 30 Nov. Lee Evans: XL is out on DVD, Mon 28 Nov.
‘To err is human, to FORGIVE, divine,’ Alexander Pope once mumbled memorably. But who is genuinely deserving of a second chance and are there some people for whom redemption is simply out of the question?
I Judas Having ginger hair in the Bible was a l bad stroke of luck in itself but the writings within clearly indicate that the guy was not to be saved. Even Jesus spat on his grave with these bon mots: ‘The Son of Man will go just as it is written about him. But woe to that man who betrays the : Son of Man. It would be better for him if he had I not been born.’ Cue the clutching of a handbag l to one’s chin followed by that ‘ooooohhh’ noise. I Kate Moss Some four and half hours out of g rehab and Pete's ex is slap bang on the front of ; Vanity Fair. accompanied by an 11-page feature and a ‘Can she come back?‘ coverline. Kind of answered your own question, there.
I David Blunkett President Blair forgave him once but will he be blinded to the charms of the man who has made a guide dog's dinner of his time in the all-seeing public eye and drag him back to the cabinet in the future with another Mandelsonian twist of fate? I David Beckham Being sent off for a i petulant girlie kick at a grounded Argentinian 3 would normally result in sainthood. But when
Becks did it in 1998 he was held solely
responsible for England's exit from the World
Cup. Despite his eventual rehabilitation and rise
to national hero stutus, the various haircuts,
bride of choice and village idiot vocal chords
have led to further legitimate contempt.
I David Bowie Maybe it’s just an initials thing.
Hard to know where you start with the musical _ crimes (‘Little Drummer Boy'? Tin Machine? : “Dancing in the Streets’?) but his son probably has most reason to find it hard to excuse the old man. Justifiably fearing a life of permanent ribbing, the lad changed his birthname of Zowie to Joey. Though quite why he has since moved on to the moniker of Duncan is unclear.
I Ivan Krikutnoy Back in 1731, this Russian fellow is believed to have ‘made himself a sack. filled it with smoke. and was lifted by the evil spirits higher than the birch tree. before ramming into a belfry’. The poor. surrealist soul was denied access to communion for ten years but later forgiven for his gross sins.
I Graham Rlx The new Hearts coach is finding it hard to ditch his dubious past when every journalist or newsreader can't get to the end of their opening sentence on him without using the phrase ‘sex offender’. No one has yet mentioned the crime of the bubble-perm he wielded in his playing days which helped make the Arsenal midfield and fonivard line of the late 70s look like the Jackson Five.