RearView ANSWER MACHINE _

Life is getting busier and busier for FRANKIE BOYLE. With a

regular slot on topical BBC2 comedy show Mock the Week, he’s had less time for stand up. But as he gets ready to return for the Glasgow Comedy Festival, what’s the punchline to his favourite joke? And what exactly is the thrill he gets out of cannibalism?

If your house was on fire, loved ones and pets were definitely safe and you had a chance to go and retrieve one thing, what would it be?

My detonators.

What’s the longest time you’ve slept soundly in one go over the last five years?

I recently slept for two days in Belgium with a

96 THE LIST 19 Jan 2 lot) 2005

fever. Unfortunately my hotel room was full of mosquitos and I woke up looking like a monster. I then gave a truly bizzare, feverish performance on Belgian TV. Luckily my face was so swollen as to be unrecognisable.

What was the last thing you stole?

You could argue it was my appearance fee from Belgian TV.

What’s your least favourite country?

Very difficult to answer that without leaving oneself open to accusations of racism. Obviously, it's England.

What’s your favourite biscuit?

Communion wafers. No other biscuit can compete with the thrill of cannibalism.

If you could wake up tomorrow and have obtained one special ability what would

it be?

The ability to create world peace, with one thunderous punch.

How many times a day do you look in the mirror?

Lots, but each time gives a fresh frisson of horror. Tell us the punchline to your favourite joke? And to dust we shall return.

Robbie Williams is thinking about giving up music for a career in stand-up. What would be your advice to him?

‘Fuck off.’

What song would you hate to be played at your funeral?

‘Living in a Box’.

When did you last laugh out loud while reading a book?

It was when l was reading the Bible. I couldn’t believe that they brought him back at the end just to leave room for a sequel.

You’re playing poker against Dara O’Briain, Rory Bremner and Hugh Dennis, your colleagues on Mock the Week. Who would win and why?

Dara would win. We let him do whatever he likes. Unless we get a silverback gorilla on the show, that’s pretty much going to continue.

Who would you like to play you in the film of your life?

I'd like Daniel Day Lewis to play me. He‘d really throw himself into the method and the horror of my existence would destroy him. David Caruso might be good too - I’d like to be remembered as looking like an animatronic lion.

When did you last dance? What was the occasion?

I performed a nifty foxtrot in protest at the ground invasion of Iraq. Word is, it only encouraged further bloodshed.

Do gentlemen prefer blondes?

Men have no sense of discrimination. Gentlemen prefer vaginas.

How did having a beard change your life? Or did it just make you look like you were in 22 Top?

I was invited to join the Masons, for one thing. If it wasn’t for the beard I‘d still be paying council tax like every other schmuck.

What’s your biggest regret?

That we‘re all going to die. I could have put a bit more effort into my Highers too.

What do you like best about your life?

My daughter takes a bit of beating.

I Mock the Week returns to BBC2 on Fri 20 Jan, 70pm and is repeated on Sat 27 Jan, 7 7. 15pm. Frank/e 80er appears at the Garage, Glasgow on Sat 18 Mar as part of the fourth Glasgow International Comedy Festival, which runs from Thu 9—Sat 25 Mar.

AndFinally...

It was probably the most vile and embarrassing television that any of us will ever see. There was George Galloway on Celebrity Big Brother, waiting for Rula Lenska in doggy (well, kitty, actually) position like a bloated Russian peasant trying to get rid of trapped wind. And that’s when we knew something sick-makingly ghastly was round the corner. Then he started pretending to be her pussy cat, noisily licking imaginary cream out of her cupped hands and looking like a man doing something that’s illegal in a lot of countries. She caressed his head, moaned soothing words of feline adoration and lovingly wiped his whiskers. And I wanted to kill myself. Unfortunately, that’s not the first time a politician has made an utter twit of themselves on the telly. Here are some of our favourite watch-through-your—fingers moments.

I John Redwood, then secretary of state for Wales, standing on a platform and trying to look like he knew the Welsh national anthem. Instead of being honest - as if - about not knowing the words, he just wobbled his mouth about like a daft puppet and tried to put his white Tory boy’s body in the groove. Dreadful.

I The Japanese are an ancient race with a complex set of manners and subtle ways of showing respect. It is all too easy for Westerners to cause offence without even realising it. One imagines George Bush senior did just this when he puked his dinner all over the table at a high level delegation.

I Poor old Neil Kinnock tried to show what a creature of nature he was by inviting the press to watch him walking with his missus on a windswept beach. Then a wave washed seawater over his shoes and he fell over on his bum.

I The same old git got so overwhelmed after his rousing Labour Party conference speech one year that an evil worm got into his head and told him he was Bruce Springsteen. His repeated yells of ‘All RIGHT, all RIGHT' were as painful as Delia Smith's ‘Let's be havin' yer!‘ to Norwich fans.

I When Labour members celebrated the party’s first general election triumph in ages, ‘Things Can Only Get Better’ stirred up the carnival astmosphere and folk were giddy with glee. Then the cameras locked onto one Peter Mandelson, the architect of all this, whose innate joylessness and self- conscious air manifested itself in an uncomfortable little jig. Painful.

I Michael Portillo’s Desert Island Discs choices included Madonna‘s ‘La Isla Bonita'. There's nothing OK about that.