He went from being the thorn in the side of the Thatcher government to collaborating with Andrew Lloyd Webber in some decidedly mainstream musicals. Now, BEN ELTON is returning to the comedy circuit. So how come he can’t count, and why exactly does he have absolutely no regrets whatsoever?
If you had one day to live, who would you choose to spend it with? And why?
My Wife and three children but what a horrible bloody thought. Thanks a lot.
Tell us the punchline to your favourite joke? I can never remember jokes, nor would I wish to. Which time in history would you love to have lived? And why?
Now you're talking. History fascinates me, | read far more of it than I do fiction. I would like to visit every age. A time machine would be the most wonderful thing imaginable. I am currently reading a book about British music hall and would love to buy a ticket to 1880 and check out some shows. What’s your favourite biscuit?
Probably a chocolate Bath Oliver but Marks and Sparks have seriously upped the ante. My tour manager keeps putting them on the rider because
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he's addicted. It‘s a disaster. two M&S caramel slices before a gig and you can't swear properly because yOur teeth have dissolved.
If you woke up one morning to discover you had developed one new power, what would you like it to be?
The ability to cure psoriaSis.
Your house is on fire. Family, friends and pets are all safe. What one thing would you rush back to save?
My laptop for my work, photo albums for memories and if I had one of those wheelie trolleys and an asbestos suit, my booze.
When did you last laugh out loud while reading a book?
I don't remember. but in my View PG Wodehouse is the greatest comic writer in the English language.
When did you last dance? What was the occasion?
Don't puke, last week with my kids. we played all the fast ones from Elvis The Fifty Greatest Hits and danced for an hour. It was brilliant. When I go to gigs I always get pissed and dance, I don‘t care how big a prick I look. Lenny Henry fronts a soul band called Poor White Trash and my wife plays bass. I'm their crap dancing mascot.
When did you last cry? What was the reason, and how long did the tears run for?
When flying I sometimes cry over the sad bits in movies. Something to do with the combination of booze, sleeplessness and the altered pressure on the tear ducts.
What’s your lucky number? Can you tell me how it has proved to be so?
I loath all superstitions and will speak out loudly and boringly against them. People become captives of ritual and it‘s deeply unhealthy. Fight it! If you won a million pounds, what is the most expensive thing you’d buy?
I'm not into unearned income and l have the things I want so I like to think I’d give it away but if I was being selfish I'd use it to fund a small movie or perhaps a season of new plays. starting with one of mine.
What’s your biggest regret?
I honestly don’t bother with regrets. I always believe in what I'm doing when I‘m doing it so there's no point worrying about it after the event even if it turns out to be a bit crap.
Are you a cat or dog person? And why?
I am indifferent to both but not to their shit.
Who is the best dressed British celebrity? What gives them that special something? I‘ve just wasted five minutes of my life trying to think of an answer to this. I demand that The List gives me my time back.
Where do you feel most comfortable these days - in a West End theatre or in a comedy club?
I never go to comedy clubs and very rarely watch other stand-up comics. There are only so many subjects under the sun and it is inevitable that comedians will often cover the same ground. I don‘t want to feel I can't write stuff because I just heard somebody else's take on it. Also. I played some very horrible places in the early 805 and hence I have a Pavlovian reaction to comedy clubs. They make me want to shit myself.
If David Cameron gets elected, do you think there will be a new wave of ‘altemative’ comedy?
If the absence of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq couldn‘t do it I doubt that Mr Cameron will. I King '3 Theatre. G/asgow. Sun 79 Fer): Festival Theatre. Edinburgh. Mon 20 Feb.
With love-fever taking its grip as St Valentine mania goes into hyperdrive, we wonder about some recent stories around the globe which suggest that something is rotten in matters of the heart.
I A Romanian chap surprised his lantin and friends when he deCided to divorce his wife and marry her mother. A c0uple of months later he married his new belle. amid a minor rumpus in front of the registry office. The Iowng sweethearts are hoping to have two children together.
I A Russian man who suffers from a rare disorder that causes his body to easily overheat has been divorced after moving to Siberia and turning his house into a fridge. The condition means he risks making like a human radiator if exposed to anything over five degrees Celsius, but his wife and their son walked out, saying they could no longer stand the cold. Not even the kitchen could become an exception.
I An Austrian romeo burnt the house down after making a giant heart out of 220 bIaZing candles. HaVing lit up his love he left to pick his girlfriend up from work and returned to an inferno. Still. the story has a happy ending as he has since lost lllfi home and girlfriend.
I A 75-year-old Polish man was chained up by his wife in a dog kennel because she was fed up with him coming home drunk. The dirty old dog survived almost three weeks living on an old blanket and being fed from the dog bowl despite temperatures of minus 20 degrees.
I A Guatemalan lad faked his own kidnapping to get out of his wedding. The 25-year-old disappeared on the day of his wedding and rather conveniently appeared again hours later claiming he'd been bundled into a waiting car before being dramatically released. This torrid tale also has a happy ending as he has been charged With wasting the police's preCious time.
I Apparently, British couples cause £350m damage each year by humping in an over- energetic fashion. According to an Ann Summers poll, a third of pairings break something during sex and one in ten go on to make insurance claims. Further, 41% suffer carpet burns and 12% have twisted ankles or wrists.
I Celebrity Big Brother contestant and ex-FA madam Faria Alam (pictured) revealed that she once peed in an ex-boyfriend's cup of tea. Maybe that's why Sven has that pained expression around his tender Swedish lips all day long.