One of the few politically-minded comics left on the circuit, MARK STEEL is about to pour his social material forth upon the Glasgow International Comedy Festival. Here, he spills the beans on 22- hour binges, being a bad milkman and Port Vale’s injury crisis.
What time in history would you love to have lived?
On the one hand. I'd love to have witnessed those moments when millions of people. brought up only to suffer and serve their betters, seized control of history. The French Revolution. the Russian Revolution and the American CiViI War. for example. must have been exhilarating. But on the other hand. it would mean being staming hungry, freezing and possibly shot. I was asked a similar question once. on a radio panel game hosted by Paul Boateng. currently a New Labour guru. I said I‘d like to have been in charge of the Grand Hotel in 1984, so I could have told the IRA: ‘About another f0ur feet to the left should do it.‘ Boateng went berserk. throwing a hissy fit and stopping the recording ‘until we can take it seriously‘.
Your house is on fire. Loved ones and pets are safe and you have a chance to go and retrieve one thing: what would it be?
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l'd stand by my record collection pomificating until overcome by fumes. The one I'd probably settle on would be my Clash album. bought the week it came out in 1977. and signed by Joe Strummer two weeks before he died.
What’s the longest time you‘ve slept soundly in one go over the last five years?
It was about ten hours. and followed another record. the longest drinking seSSion I'd ever undertaken: a 22-hour binge in Edinburgh of which I'm shamefuliy proud.
What’s your least favourite country?
I've just been to Cyprus and that was a bit poxy. Every bar seems to have three screens showing Sky Sports. so by the time I came back I'd never been so well informed about Port Vale's injury CrISIS. One bar near our hotel had a huge Sign saying: ‘Tonight at 9.00: Emmerda/e'.
What’s the most rock’n’roll thing you've done today?
Can't think of a thing. Oh hang on. on the way to the Post Office I did bite the head off a chaffinch. How many times a day do you look in the mirror?
I spend nine hours every morning in make-up. then ViSit my stylist.
You could quit your job and have the skills to do something completely new. What would you choose to do?
Ah. the band. Or be a milkman. I did that for a while as a teenager and there's a sense of freedom once you're out on the round. I used to chat too much when I did it. and as a result once finished at eight in the evening.
Do you consider yourself organised?
Hardly. I've only Just got round to domg this two days after it was supposed to be finished. You would probably find the amount of time I've spent looking for keys is longer than it took to bUIld the Brooklyn Bridge.
Tell us the punchline to your favourite joke? The funniest punchline to a Joke I‘ve ever seen on teleVIsion is: ‘Would you care for a rat'?
What, if anything, is too serious to joke about? Nothing. The more serious something is made out to be. the more the compulsion to puncture it. It never occurred to me that everyone doesn't see it that way until a couple of years ago. when a suicide bomber blew up a bar in Casablanca. I went into Broadcasting House that day and said: ‘I'm sure everyone had the same thought as me when they heard that news.‘ They all looked and said: ‘Yes. that it‘s ternble.‘ l was genumely surprised. as I thought everyone would automatically think that the barman must have looked at the bomber and said: ‘Of all the bars in the world. you had to walk into mine.‘ They looked in horror and I realised maybe not everyone thinks the same way as a comic.
What’s your favourite biscuit?
The mirror question was puerile but biscwt? Have you merged With Heat magazine or something? What would be your ideal birthday present? World peace founded on a system in which global deCisions were chosen according to human need rather than profit. accompanied With a ticket to see the Ashes in Australia.
What song would you hate to be played at your funeral?
If anyone plays Dido or Mick Hucknall or anything like that. I would hope the person responsuble is slaughtered in mid-service. while everyone watching the carnage mutters: ‘lt‘s what he w0uld have wanted.‘
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If you're starting to concoct a devious yet hilarious April Fool, you’ll have to go some in topping these pranks.
I In 1986, France was stunned when it was announced that the Eiffel Tower was being dismantled and moved to EuroDisney. A 35,000-seat stadium was to be built where it once stood.
I In 2000. veterinarians were stunned to hear that researchers in Florida were developing a Viagra-like tablet for hamsters. The pills were to be marketed under the title of Feralmone.
I In 1994, news dribbled out that Pepsi was set to unveil sponsored teenagers who would have the company logo tattooed on their ears. In return for this literal branding, the youths would receive a 10% lifetime discount on all Pepsi products.
I In 1965. a British professor claimed he had invented 'smellovision’. allowing viewers to experience the aroma of whatever was happening on screen. Whether it was Blue Peter elephants or Rebecca Loos pleasuring a pig. we'd sniff every juice and substance known to humanity.
I In 1999, a music website reported that Britney Spears had done a Joan Collins and was actually 28 rather than the tender 17 she was claiming. Distraught fans plagued her record company with phone calls demanding the truth.
I In 1980. a series of rumours surfaced that Big Ben was set to keep up With the times and go digital. One Japanese radio station announced that the clock hands would be sold to the first listeners to contact them.
I In 1947, a New Zealand DJ warned listeners that a mile-wide wasp swarm was heading for Auckland. Among the advice offered was to wear socks over trousers and to leave honey-smeared traps on the streets. More people than you’d think actually fell for it.
I In 1994. a Russian drinks company was reported to be experimenting with chewy vodka bars that would come in three flavours: lemon, salted cucumber and coconut. If successful. the vodka tea bag was next.
I In 1981, a Japanese athlete entered the London marathon. Due to a translation error, he had set off preparing to run for 26 days rather than 26 miles. Pictures were staged of bystanders trying unsuccessfully to flag him down.
I In 1992. American voters were appalled to learn that Richard Nixon was set to run for preSident again. His campaign slogan was to be ‘I didn't do anything wrong, and I won't do it again.“