Throughout his beer—swilling career, Al Murray, AKA the Pub Landlord, has offered up a glass of wine for the lady and given it with both barrels. As his new tour staggers our way, we have to wonder exactly what his problem is with balsamic vinegar.
Scotland recently introduced a smoking ban in its pubs. If such a dictat was ever to reach your drinking establishment, would it be a good thing or a bad thing?
It‘s terrible! It's part of the atmosphere designed to drive away toddlers and part timers and other riff raff that a serious boozer can do without.
What’s the worst name for a pub you’ve ever come across?
The Firkin thing got pretty tired pretty fast.
What’s the worst name for a drink you’ve ever come across?
The Long Slow Comfortable Screw. Yeah, ha ha for the first 12 seconds that drink was in existence. but really. it‘s filthy. plain and simple. And childish. And filthy.
Which time in history would you love to have Hved?
Right now. One day these will be the good old days. We‘ll look back and say. kids don‘t know
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they‘re born and all that. And someone needs to stop Brussels and it seems the task has fallen to me. Plus we don't have the Plague: who could really be nostalgic for the Plague?
Your house is on fire, loved ones and pets are safe, you have a chance to go and retrieve one thing, what would it be?
My dignity?
What’s the longest time you've slept soundly in one go in the last five years?
l‘m glad you asked me that. as l'm havrng trouble sleeping at the moment. Ever Since we all heard about John Prescott's antics l daren't close my eyes for fear of what I might see. Any government that puts that kind of thing into the voters' minds hasn‘t got long. Like a sack of spuds With a chipolata bearing down on you. l'm yet to meet a woman who would.
If there was one thing you would change about English pub culture, what would it be? The idea that somehow its culture. That makes it sound like it's something to do With ballet.
What was the last thing you stole?
'Thou shalt not steal' says the Ten Commandments. Though I have a feeling Moses didn't think of that one himself. Some pork scratchings. as it happens.
What’s the most rock’n’roll thing you’ve done today?
Bought porn. Well, it‘s been a year.
What’s your least favourite country?
I believe all nations are equal, apart from Great Britain. And l really love Scotland (will that do?). Aussie bar staff: good thing or bad thing? Perfection: genetically engineered for bar work.
Pouch on the tummy for carrying the Bombay Mix.
It‘s even rumoured that the AUSSleS are working right now on a new Uber—strain of bar-staff that doesn't need any sleep and IS totally adaptable to 24-hour opening.
If you could wake up tomorrow having obtained one ability what would it be?
To wake up yesterday and not do what I did today.
How many times a day do you look in the mirror?
Never. Vanity isn‘t really an option when you run a pub: they want your booze not your good looks. You could quit your job and start afresh tomorrow and have the skills to do something completely new. What would you choose to do?
Probably be a steward on an Irish Sea ferry. What, if anything is too serious to joke about?
The current state of bar snacks in this country: we‘ve seen Golden Wonder go down, who’s next? It‘s as if a creeping infestation of things that taste of balsamic vinegar is slowly coating everything. Who would you like to play you in the film of yourlfie?
I suppose it would have to be that bloke who plays Grant Mitchell. though after all those rumours l'm not so sure.
What can you remember about the first time you ever tasted alcohol?
It was unforgettable in that I can't remember it. which is why it‘s unforgettable: you can‘t forget what you don‘t remember.
Do gentlemen prefer blondes?
I don't know. but blondes prefer gentlemen. We're a dying breed you know. A gentleman, it is said by the feminist lobby (which makes them sound like somewhere you wait to see a lady dentist). treats a woman like an object. I say true en0ugh. girls. but like a beautiful object.
What’s your all-time favourite sitcom?
Dad's Armi Wht " Because l'm 'tOr't‘: Don‘t to him Pike" A prooer sitcom. me about the \-..ti
s o" t'xtt U" Ce thing to help people like me a‘ii'x:
What do you like best about your life?
The fact that it enables we to i. st t3 .isuov. or‘ a"
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irregular basis.
With the smoking ban curling its reprimanding tentacles around the nation‘s public places, asbos being dished out to our young with their mother’s milk, and immigrants being rounded up and deported when they’ve been resident here for thirty years, the nanny state has clearly gone into overdrive. Here we suggest a few things the political high heid-yins should turn their draconian minds to criminalising.
I Greggs sandwiches God lorhrd llltflt,‘ was ever to be a global mayonnaise shortage ~ why. the entire Greggs megalith would he brought to its knees! These overstuffed, artery hardening Scooby snacks of death should he hannel for their anti-social properties as well as on health grounds. The scent of a cheese sa.'oury tends l'i linger on the breath and skin long; after consumption.
I Chewing gum The fact that it alleiiedl, makes breath minty fresh is neither here nor there. Gum‘s main purpose is as a pocket sr/ed weapon of terror. to he chewed and smacked l'} innocent ears. rammed Ill car looks and welded to the soles of shoes. We should follow the Singaporeans example and ban this revolting menace.
I ‘Amusing’ car stickers Who cares if your other car happens to he a Porscl‘ie. a Ferrari, a Skoda or a Reliant Robin. A tab; on board“ sticker should be treated as a provocation rather than a warning. Cars bearing personalised number plates should be pulled over, the platen removed and stored where the sun don't shine. And anyone calling himself B t G BOt should be locked up and the key hurled into the sea.
I Walking slowly Pedestrians dawdlrng up the middle of busy thoroughfares should be made to do something useful wrth their time; like sewing rnailbags at her maresty's pleasure. A more painful punishment should be dreamed up for those idlers who take up precious High Street space with huge rucksacks and double buggies. I Hybrid reality TV programmes involving the words ‘celebrity’ and ‘swap’ Although Ce/ebriry Death Row Swap has a natty ring to it . . .
I Other anti-social horrors Foul dogs and their owners. cheap offensive perfume and aftershave, fireworks. eating McDonalds and Burger King meals (especially on buses). muzak.