tfieLEECH

Sucking the blood of popular entertainment

I As gluttonous for punishment as dessert. the Leech shared lunch wrth the one and orin Ian Paisley recently. Of course. “sharing' is a touchy subject where Ian's concerned. so let’s Just admit the Leech accidentally intruded on the redoubtable Rev's slurping of tea and nibbling of shortbread. yet escaped with eardruins intact. The scene for this historical summit of cuddly old bigots. neither of whom were held enough as a child. or rather too much in the case of the Leech's chOir practice. was The Bothy restaurant in Glasgow. Obvrously. the Leech expected to be elected in aurally painful yet merCiful Circumstances. reminiscent of the expulsron of shit-obsessed harpie Dr Gillian McKeith from The X— Factor after her diabolical rendition of The Shoop Shoop Song. Yet in spite of the glowering presence of low of the Reverend's goons. the Leech successfully brokered an agreement. conceding a small section of the dining room. roughly SIX seats worth. while retaining the larger more attractive bit. before finally leaving the table in peace and harmony. Piece of piss really: can't see what Paisley. Adams. Blair et al are still making such a fuss ab0ut.

I The Northern Irish question has been much in the news of late. with accusations of double agency levelled at Sinn Fein's Martin McGuinness and the enquiry into Patrick Kielty having a televrsron career in two too many c0untries. In Cannes moreover. writer

14 THE LIST 8—22 Jun 2006

and director team Paul Laverty and Ken Loach scooped the Paline d‘Or for The Wind That Shakes The Barley. their unsentimental aCCOunt of the Republican movement's early years. Great stuff. but it goes Without saying that Such weighty political diSCuSSions are far too trOubling to be left to inere politiCians and acclaimed filmmakers. So the Leech urges readers to catch stand-up Vladimir McTavrsh's next show. featuring his barnstorrningly reliable impreSSion of the aforementioned Rev Paisley barking like the unhinged biblical blowhard he is.

I If not lvtcTavish. then his lookalike. soused Scottish soccer boss Bob Doolally. The inebriate pundit should be begged to step into the World Cup presenting role as Scots dispense With the services of punchably smug types like Gary Lineker. the hilariously intense Garth CrOOks. the slowly chuckling- into-senilin of John Motson and er. Alan Hansen. a man so critical his prominent forehead scar is developing its own grimace. A new BBC digital service ensures Scots can watch coverage of the beautiful t0urnament and (may Hell mend yOu) Simple Minds' opening ceremony show sans English Wittering and constant references to ‘66. in the process instantly dispersing all Caledonian jealousy. petty backbiting and support for whoever Sven's men are playing.

LOVE! BIG PANTS

While the feminist movement would have it that the brassiere was the last bastion of sexist society. I beg to differ. Such is the fear of VPL that women are now forced to wear knickers more suited to slicing cheese than any practical purpose. Rise up sister! Dig out that comfy pair of apple catchers nestling at the back of your underwear drawer and don't be ashamed to go large.

Uptight euphemisms for the sex organs are more common than Prescott’s peccadillos. but such circumlocutions are creeping around the rest of the body. Most are associated with women: chunky ankles are ‘cankles‘, “muffin tops' spill over trouser waistbands. and rotund matriarchs have “bingo wings‘. Men seem less concerned with builders‘ bums. If you‘ve got it. flaunt it.

5 UNDERRATED SPORTS

The world of sporting endeavour isn't limited to chaps running around in ill- fitting shorts endorsing everything from ale to goods made in sweatshops.

Korfball lnvented in 1901. this merging of netball and basketball involves two teams of eight (four men. four ladies) attempting to nab the ball and chuck it into a cylindrical basket (a korf) situated in the middle of the court. The British Korfball website has the intriguing yet rather misleading logo of a fat lion trying to scoop a ball into the korf.

Extreme ironing One of the more recent made- up extreme sports. it offers the thrill of dangerous outdoor activity and the satisfaction of a non- creased shirt. A man from Leicester called Phil claims to have spawned this monster in the late 903. while a German by the name of Hot Pants appears to be taking the sport by the scruff of its polo neck.

Mobile Hurling Mobile hurling is the new dysfunctional kid on the block when it comes to daft sports. And it was those crazy Finns. who started chucking their phones around for competitive reasons rather than disgruntlement over their text package. Mikko Lampi holds the world record after launching a Siemens AG some 94m in August 2005.

Wife carrying Is there nothing to do in Finland but make up ridiculous spons? Seems that way. as the Scandics are responsible for challenging men to travel across 253 metres with a lady on his back. the winning fellow receiving the woman's weight in beer as a prize. This has been going on since 1992 and Estonia are really, really good at it.

Zorbing In the early 903. inspired by Da Vinci’s drawings of the male anatomy, a pair of New Zealanders decided to create a huge inflatable ball in which you could hurtle down a hill at massive speeds. There is a possibility that you may be left feeling nauseous after ten seconds of this. The word ‘zorbonauts’ is a very high score in Scrabble.