She may have penned some of contemporary Scottish literature’s most powerful and hard-hitting novels, but nothing inspires ZOE STRACHAN more than a chew on a Caramel Log. Pete Doherty, on the other hand, she would find decidedly unappetising . . .

If you had one day to live, who would you choose to spend it with? And why?

I'd probably skulk around On my own, like Eeyore in his gloomy corner. wallowng in self-pity.

Which time in history would you love to have lived? And why?

Sometime between 7:300 and 900080. I might not have lived for very long, but as an archaeologist manque, I'm desperate to know what people actually did at those big Neolithic monuments.

What makes the Wigtown Book Festival such a great place to be? It's a big festival crammed into a tiny town. so there's a really friendly. intimate atmosphere. Firework-3's hugely welcoming ithough the Martyrs Stake is a constant deterrent for authors prone to 'Iiteliness'l and the audiences are really chatty. I one Reading Lasses bookshop and cafe too. whem you can enjoy radical feminism and homebaking.

What was your most memorable book event and why?

Perhaps the time at Wigtown when everything was going styimmingly until David Mitchell asked me to define the nature of eyil. I was like a rabbit in the headlights. And then I started talking . . .

What song would you hate to be played at your funeral?

I would be very disappointed if rt was ‘We’re Going to Ibiza' by the Vengaboys.

When did you last laugh out loud while reading a book?

1 12 "18 LIST 7—;‘1 Sep 2006


On the train back from Edinburgh one morning. reading The Book of Shadows by Don Paterson. It's possible that I was still tipsy from the night before. Who would you like to play you in the film of your life? Who do you actually think would play you?

Keith Richards. But Wendy Richards is more likely. When did you last dance? What was the occasion?

At the Morph Club in Bamberg. Germany. Sticky floor. shoegazmg teenagers. unidentifiable drinks. Fabulous. The occasion was a Tuesday evening. When did you last cry? What was the reason?

One of those bizarrely rnovrng episodes of Still Game. Probably something hormonal.

How many times do you look in a mirror every day?

First thing in the merning. to check nothing hideOus has happened to my head during the night. Then intermittently to apply garish makeup.

if you won a million pounds, how would you spend it?

With aplomb.

What’s your biggest regret?

That I haven't won a million pounds.

What’s your favourite biscuit?

Ti.innock‘s Caramel Log. More morersh than the water. less ephemeral than the teacake.

Who would you take to a desert island, Pete Doherty or Jade Goody?

Jade w0u|d be more fun. and if it turned into an A/ive Situation. I'd rather eat her. Pete's awfully pasty. What single thing would you do to improve the world?

Return it to a state of nature and try again. But this time. women get to be physically stronger than men. I Zoe Strachan introduces Outside of a Dog, the /atest co//ection of work from G/asgow Unrversrty's MLitt in Creative Writing. at the Wigtown Book Fest/vat Sat 30 Sep, 7 lam.

www. wrgtownbookfestival. com

piiifiifi . . ,i \l

Mortgage impossible

So, Thomas Gravesen has joined Celtic Football Club after a brief wobble over an injury niggle - or was it a brief niggle over an injury wobble? - and bagged the highest salary the Scottish game’s ever seen. The walloping £45,000 per week equates to a not insignificant $6,428.57 over the fifteen days of this issue. So, what’s he going to spend it on?

I 964,285 Wham bars and Highland Toffee bars News reaches The List of the glorious rescue (by confectionery venture capitalists no less) of Millar McCowan. the Stenhousemuir-based sweet manufacturers. The deal means that the spangly Wham bar survives. along with the tartan-clad Highland Toffee. It halts a call from firebrand independent MSP Dennis Canavan to debate the potential demise in the Scottish Parliament's pulsating chamber, which brings us nicely onto . . .

I 0.0224% of the Scottish Parliament Yes. even the obscene amounts footballers get paid are dwarfed by Project Holyrood. It would take the gruff Danish international roughly

1 .8312 years at Celtic to pay for Miralles' masterpiece.

I 244 Bangers season tickets Unlike Celtic. Rangers still have 2006/07 season tickets available for purchase. Oor Tommie could demonstrate his passionate commitment to Glasgow football by snapping up 244 standard- priced coupon books for the front of the Copland stand. and distribute them to needy local children. Or. if he wants a quiet life. he could set fire to his own head.

I Postage for 148,351 first class letters bigger than 240mm x 105mm but smaller than 353mm x 250mm, no thicker than 8mm. and weighing 101-2509 They have trouble delivering them in the first place; why confuse matters further?

I Half a Ferrari Superamerlca Poor old Grawie will have to wait a whopping month before he can get his hands on the Italian firm's latest scarlet beauty. a convertible packing 540bhp of oomph. He might have competition though. because only 60 are destined for the UK. I43,831 copies of The List Go on. you know you want to. Digger. . . (Robin Lee)