tQCeLEECH
Sucking the blood of popular entertainment
'. t Pride of Dundee?
I ere the MOBOs. but wrth fewer I And rs it any wonder Dundee rs the freckles and as likely to be attended by throbbing hot spot of Scotland's libido. Beyonce. the Scottish Comedian of the when the University's rector actively Year competition rn Glasgow's Old encourages students to fornicate and Frurtmarket saw Mark Nelson pip Paul binge drink? The Leech lras kicked Prrre to the coveted title. a $7600 many a TV set in the cathode ray cheque. and the not so coveted trophy. thanks to Lorraine Kelly’s
a microphone seemingly spray parnted excruciatingly mumsy tones. yet gold by an idiot child. Nevertheless. rt grudgingly doffs an ex-student's scarf was an entertaining evenrng and the and lunchbox to her for advising her Leech took the opportunity to hormonally charged charges to 'drrnk interrogate cherubrc corrrpere Des lots and have safe sex’. Perhaps if the Clarke about Club Cuprd. the dating rector at the Leech's alma mater had show he presents on STV this month been as frank. yOur correspondents uni wrth Michelle Watt, the surprisingly days rnrglrt have been spent dorng photogenic offspring of former more of the latter and less of the boxing world champion and after former. Perhaps.
dinner speaker at the drop of a bread roll. er Watt MBE. The premrse rs simple: srngles from across Scotland are flung together to speedate in Dundee. Any not trampling over each other in a headlong rush to flee the shrthole erty stand a chance as a couple.
I But then Dundee. as we all know. rs Scotland's sexrest crty. A recent poll by N y the Young Persons Barlcard. in which 18-25-year-olds were asked to text photos of themselves. found
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Dundonrans to be the nation's stud I That's rrght. less fairered by students muffins and cup cakes. That rs. rf yOu than the Sharon Osbourne Show. defrne sexrness as neither which can't even attract an audience possessing your own transport that let Noel Edmonds back on TV. the or modesty. yet understanding the young Leech learned to Channel
rnyrrad pomtless functrons of your adolescent frustratron into onanrstrc mobile. Still. yOu can't argue with the altrursm. And so the Leech wiped a tear pixellrsed evidence of nostalgra from a strll burnrng cheek of (\mvwsexrntheCrtyco.ukl. wrth shame to learn that a recent BBC Edinburgh currently resemblrng the investigation found Scotland now only Chamber of Horrors rn Madame has one registered sperm donor. Yep. Tussauds. also in the news recently one selflesss, solitary wanker when Gary Barlow conceded they'd doing his single-handed best to melted hrs lrkeness down to make halt the population decline! Hrs family Britney Spears. presumany rust prprng w0uld d0ubtless be so prOud rf they the wax rn his chubby cheeks straight only knew. but then they're probably into her arse. half the populatron of Dundee by now.
12 THE LIST 5-19 Oct 2006
BEING ILL
What can be fun about havrng to Ire around dorng nothrng all day waiting for your sniflles to subSrde? Well. the lying around brt sounds good. and if you can merge that wrth getting through some unwatched DVDs. all the better. Of course. should your illness dip into something more horrible. then this becomes no laughing matter. More reason to get that box set of 24 watched right now.
FALSE IDOLS
It’s always terribly sad when someone dies (unless they've blown their heads off with a rifle moments after killing your family: just one example. there). But don't we make a little bit too much fuss over famous dead folk? Steve Irwin. Ripper guy, though should we be raising him to godlike status when he spent a career bellowing into the ears of animals whose hearing is many times more acute than his own?
FIVE UNFORTUNATE DOUBLE DATES
This month, White Cane Safety Day corncides wrth National Grouch Day. It's not the first time dates have converged wrth perplexrng results.
D Day Born on the day it arrived. Mark Twain fully expected to die the day Halley‘s Comet returned: ‘It will be the greatest disappointment of my life if I don't go out with Halley's Comet. The Almighty has said, no doubt: “Now here are these two unaccountable freaks: they came in together. they must go out together".' He was proved right.
States ol Independence Both presidents of America. both champions of the great Amerrcarr Declaration of Independence. John Adams and Thomas Jefferson both died on 4 July 1826, 50 years after the treaty was signed.
The King and l Imagine this: you go to a restaurant and find the owner is an exact replica of you; you also share the same name. as do your wives. Fantastic! Now imagine the very next day after forming this delightful new acquaintance, you are both shot and killed in separate incidents. Meet King Umberto I of Italy. And his mate. Umberto.
Baby black and blues Suri Cruise and Grier Henchy, born on the same floor. of the same hospital. on the same day. each to movie star parents. Is it destined that these two should heal the breach between mommy Brooke Shields and Scientologist daddy Tom Cruise? To try would be Risky Business indeed. No Endless Love lost there.
The (slhits just keep coming September 2006 was when disco dude Lionel Ritchie and spunky punk playmates New Found Glory released albums. with . . . the same name! The horror! It might have been vaguely interesting if the albums were named something like Sing Like a Lizard For Me, instead of the pathetically unoriginal Coming Home.