Wagon Wheels, the comic genius of Richard Briers and the repellent nature of Irish ‘Diddley diddley’ music. Just a few of the big issues tumbling around the mind of one- time frontman of The Stranglers and now solo troubadour, Hugh Cornwell.
What’s the most rock’n’roll thing you’ve done today?
i inalising the artwork for my triple live CD. People Places; Pieces. in time for its mail order release on E) October.
Which time in history would you love to have lived?
I've always riad a fascination for Roman times and that whole Civilisation, when religions lived side by Side lli peace. and Wine was king. and innovation was rife.
Your house is on fire, loved ones and pets are safe, you have a chance to go and retrieve one thing, what would it be? Boringly enough, it would probably be my laptop as everything eise could be easily replaced.
What would be your ideal birthday present? Some sort of surprise.
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Rear View ANSWER MACHINE
What’s the longest time you’ve slept soundly ;
in one go over the last five years?
About 12 hours when I was low with a bug.
What was the last thing you stole?
A hotel towel before a gig
What’s your least favourite country? And why?
Ireland. as it's always raining when I go there. and all the bars play 'diddley diddley' music.
If you could wake up tomorrow and have obtained one ability what would it be?
To fly like a bird.
How many times a day do you look in the mirror?
Whenever I shave.
You could quit your job and start afresh tomorrow and have the skills to do something completely new. What would you choose to do?
I‘d be a long distance lorry driver.
Do you consider yourself organised? How often do you have to look for your keys?
I am terribly organised but I'm always looking for my keys.
Tell us the punchline to your favourite joke? ‘Did he say anything abOut a pot of paint?‘
What, if anything is too serious to joke about?
Nothing.
What’s your favourite biscuit?
It‘s a tos3up between Twix and Wagon Wheels. What song would you hate to be played at your funeral?
‘I Survived'.
How big do you tip in restaurants? Thatdepends...
When did you last laugh out loud while reading a book?
Can't remember.
Have you ever exploited your position to get something? Did you get the results you hoped for?
Of course, doesn't everyone?
Who would you like to play you in the film of your life? Who do you actually think would play you?
Kevin Spacey.
When did you last dance? What was the occasion?
Kenya. four years ago. New Years Eve.
Which song do you wish you had written? ‘Not Dark Yet' by Bob Dylan.
Which song do you wish you hadn’t written? None.
Do gentlemen prefer blondes?
That would be telling.
Can you cook? If so, what’s your signature dish?
I have many.
When did you last cry? What was the reason?
Next question.
What makes you good at what you do?
I'm not the right person to ask about that!
What’s your lucky number? Can you tell me how it has proved to be so?
Three or nine.
What’s your biggest regret?
Don't have any
Are you a cat or dog person?
Neither. I like people.
What’s your all-time favourite sitcom? Why? Ever Decreasing Circles — it's totally underplayed. What’s the longest you’ve ever pursued a woman for? And was it successful or not? Ages and ages. Can't remember if it was successful
w
or not th0ugh.
What do you like least about your life?
Its brevity.
What do you like best about your life?
Its Surprises.
I Hug/i Cornwe/l plays ABC. Glasgow, Sun 22 Oct. His new album, Dirty Dozen is out now H/S Records and a new three CD live box set is available from w. hug/7cornwe/l. com
Every fourth Sunday in October, card companies and flower suppliers across the western world celebrate that most lampooned of family members, the mother-in-law. Maybe it’s time to put aside a few more dates to institutions better known as popular butts of jokes.
I Blondes On April 17 2005. offices across the land were brought to a standstill by an email claiming to contain the ‘best blonde joke ever'. The gag involved clicking a link to another web page, which led to a blog claiming the same. which — you guessed it — led to another link to yet another blog. What a wheeze! It's enough to make you want to dye your barnet a fetching auburn. Still, it could be worse. You could be a blonde Essex girl.
I The Irish lntriguingly, the stereotyping of an entire nation as completely lacking in intelligence or aptitude for anything save slugging whiskey and landing their comrades from the other nations of the British isles in the shit, is actually extremely popular in Ireland, where the gags are often translated into turns about the ‘Kerry Man‘.
I Nuns and priests Surely a national holiday should be declared in honour of the poor, downtrodden servants of the Roman Catholic Church. If only to give them a day off from examining each other's genitals. peeing in the holy water and ripping off their parishioners.
I Chickens Various origins have been claimed to the world's most famous ‘non joke'. One such stOry sees the ‘chicken‘ as one of the poverty- stricken children of Shiprock. New Mexico, who would regularly get drunk and cross the busy highway to show their bravery. Hence. the original response to the iconic query was not ‘to get to the other side', but “because he was drunk.’ Hmmn. Doesn't have quite the same ring to it . . .
I nghtbulbs In 1996, Time magazine reponed on the statistician who was compiling a huge web-based list of Iightbulb jokes. So, how many statisticians does it take to change a lightbulb? One of course. Plus or minus three (small sample size).