RearView ANSWER MACHINE
She squared up to Nigel Benn in the Australian outback and spent years getting absolutely trashed. But comedian and author Rhona Cameron is really wmabgdd sentimentalist at heart
What’s the most rock’n’roll thing you’ve done today?
Well my whole life is a sort of aftermath life' of livrng too much rock'n'roll. It's all very well if you're Ozzie Osturne and yOu're a multi- millionaire with a wife that manages everything. but it's different at my end of the scale. If you've spent years getting absolutely trashed and then suddenly wake up at about 37 years old . . . there's layers of chaos as a reminder of just how much ‘putting off' I did for so many years. in favour of escapism.
Which time in history would you love to have lived in? And why? I actually really enjoyed growing up in the 70s. Clothing and music-Wise. it would have to be the 608. Other than that I'd have to go back to non—verbal times. so that I wouldn't be judged.
Your house is on fire; loved ones and pets are safe. You have a chance to go and retrieve one thing, what would it be?
Oh no. I have this anxiety dream all the time! It's a toss up between the hugely sentimental and my everyday Diesel jeans that I've had for ten years. that I just can't seem to take off my body. But it would probably be my Walt Disney miniature characters as candles that I've had srnce l was a baby. There's Donald. Mickey and Pluto. It would be a toss-up between them. or my sentimental box. which is actually built for the very purposes of a fire emergency. so that everything's consolidated. Or my father's photo. I'd probably risk my life trying to get all three.
RHO EON
What would be your ideal birthday present?
A time machine. I suppose. so I could go back and sort out some things I should have done that would have made now eaSIer. I don't believe in ‘don't regret anything’. When you get to 41. trust me. you'll have a couple of regrets. otherwise you're not human.
What’s your lucky number? Can you tell me how it has proved to be so?
Seven features in my life a lot. All the greatest football players in the world have worn the number ‘7' shirt. Eric Cantona was 7. George Best was 7 — seven. seven. seven always features in my life. When I was on I'm a Ce/ebrity it was my number seven at the end of the phone. Seven just keeps cropping up for me.
What’s your least favourite country? And why?
I did have a really nasty holiday in Yugoslavia — not that I would wish any of the things that happened to them. But I do remember cursing them when l was there in the mid-80s saying that I hoped it would get blown up or something. because I found them to be really mean and nasty and I found it a really pointless place to visit.
What was the last thing you stole?
I stole some sweets at the cinema quite recently. because I went to an enormous mainstream cinema. There were these big shovels to put sweets into a bag to get weighed. but it was miles from anywhere else. and nobody was attending to it. I waited for ages in the queue: then I just thought. 'Oh
that's it. serves them right.‘ So I just walked into the cinema with my enormous bucket of free sweets.
If you could wake up tomorrow and have obtained one ability, what would it be?
It would be handy to do anything to do with sums. which I've been totally inept at my whole life. I would like to know what it's like to have a penis. of course. Sorry. but I don't think I'm alone in thinking this: I completely admit my penis envy.
What’s your favourite biscuit? Well. biSCuits have changed. I'm sure you'll agree. I like the German biSCuit. ‘Hit'. It's effectiver two Rich Teas with some chocolate in the middle. It's in a long red packet.
What song would you hate to be played at your funeral?
Ride on Time by Black Box is without a doubt one of the worst songs ever made.
Who would you like to play you in the film of your life? Who do you actually think would play you?
I don't know. but I really don‘t want it to be Christina Ricci. because I saw her with that really bad lesbian wig in the film Monster — I hope nobody w0uld do that.
When did you last dance? What was the occasion?
I had a little drink for my book launch: I hired a room in a pub and put all my favourite songs onto my iPod. I invited a mixture of publishers, friends and a football team, and I danced to King of the Road [starts singing]. I had my cowboy boots on. That was a good night.
I Rhona Cameron '3 first novel, The Naked Drinking C/ub. is out now. and is reviewed on page 57. She will be reading from the book at Waterstone's, Edinburgh on Wed 27 Mar. and at Borders. G/asgow on Thu 22 Mar. both at 6pm.
As a tribute to the lovely Dolly Parton (page 20) and in celebration of Quirky Country Music Song Titles Day, which falls on Tuesday 27 March, we pick some of the best titles:
I ‘Get your Biscuits in the Oven and your Buns in the Bed’
A hit for Kinky Friedman (pictured) thus named as a result of his curly hair and not
104 THE LIST 1:3— 20 Mar 200/
his dodgy lyrics. Kinky recently ran for governor of Texas which allowed him to put his quirky country lyric writing talents to good use.
I ‘Flushed From the Bathroom of Your Heart’ Johnny Cash's 1968 song. recorded in front of a captive audience at Folsom Prison. With a concert of songs about prison. crime. murder, regret and loss. it's no wonder he
wanted something lighter to entertain the prisoners.
I ‘You Can’t Roller Skate in a Buffalo l-lerd’
A quirky song by Roger Miller. containing the lines “you can’t shower in a parakeet cage‘ or ‘drive with a tiger in your car'.
I ‘lt’s Hard to Kiss the Lips at Night (That Chew Your Ass Out All Day Longr
2006 Grammy award winner for “The Notorious Cherry Bombs' about a henpecked husband.
I Other Contenders: ‘How Can a Whiskey That’s Six Years Old Whup A Man Who's 33’. 'I Still Miss you Baby But My Aim's Gettin' Better’ and “I'd Rather Pass a Kidney Stone Than Another Night With you‘.
(Nicola Husband)