THE FILTH AND THE FURY
Tim Fountain spent two years researching the sex lives of Brits for his book Rude Britannia. Here he tells The List what he discovered about the Scots, himself and ‘yiffins’
The Scots are at it like rabbits. 10,000 Scots go dogging every year. I'd find people at it on a Monday night in East Kilbride, next to a landfill site. Or we'd drive up some country lane and spot a white bottom moving up and down, lit by the light from a car stereo blasting out Simply Red.
Scotland has so many beauty spots, some believe it's actually encouraging all this outdoor activity. According to a survey, 80% of Highlanders are willing to make love outdoors.
Furries is also a trend that '3 hit Scotland. That 's where people dress up in animal costumes - cartoon, anthropomorphic characters. ‘Yiffing’ is when you rub up against someone in your costume. But you must be careful - yitfing leads to ‘Spooging'. That messes up your fur.
Dundee leads the way. Lovers in the Grampian region keep partners sexually satisfied with the average love making session lasting 34 minutes instead of the national average of 39.
The Rude Britannia experience was partly about discovering what was going on in Britain, but also what was going on in my own head. It followed my Edinburgh Fringe show Sex Addict, where the audience chose who I had sex with.
The last time I did that show was at the Tron theatre in Glasgow. The audience picked me a guy, and I've been with him for three years now. It was the biggest arranged marriage in Scottish history! We met at the Jury's Inn, or Durex lnn as we renamed it.
I don’t really celebrate Valentine's Day. I‘m terrible with organised celebrations - birthdays and Christmas plunge me into a deep depression. As Samuel Johnson said, ‘Nothing is more hopeless than a scheme of merriment’. You only have to walk through the Merchant City on Valentine's City and see all those couples sitting in restaurants staring at each other. Oh
God — slow death! But
my boyfriend will be ‘1. Mn“ expecting something so i suppose l‘ll buy him a teddy bear or M0; 312?; something. N-wm or m on: We'll be in Tunisia
actually, I'm doing a lecture on casual sex in Islam. What could go wrong?
-~ (Interview by Claire Sawers)
\ I Rude Britannia is out
- now published by
- -~ Weidenfeld 8 Nico/son.
16 TN. US? 5—19 Feb 2009
Forget schmaltzy red roses and the sycophancies of Hallmark, Anna Millar ponders a suggestive mix of Valentine alternatives
‘ ello. is it me you're looking for . . .1" H Some of the most romantic words
ever written have come via the medium of song. so why not throw caution to the wind. and go all Sonny and Cher this February. Book you and yours into a recording studio for an hour and let love be your guide. whether it‘s rocking out to Aerosmith's ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing‘ or Dolly Patton‘s ‘I Will Always Love You‘. The more adventurous could even pen their own personalised ditty. (‘heck out www.buyagift.co.uk.
If that all seems a little like hard work. sit back and let the professionals entertain you. On Sat l-l Feb. two of Scotland's finest. poet Lil. Lochhead and musician Carol Laula. will present a love-in courtesy of The National Library of Scotland with ‘Forgot Mysel: Scotch Passion with Lil. Lochhead and Carol Laula'. Lochhead will read from a selection of her own poems. while jazz. singer Carol Laula will perform love songs. Guests are also invited to check out the library‘s more romantic offerings. including the original manuscript of Robert Bums' great love song. ‘Ae Fond Kiss'. Call 013] 622 4807 or e-mail events@nls.uk.
If that's all a little timid. checkout the Edinburgh branch of Doctor Sketchy's Anti-An
School who are running a (fake)blood-soaketl [fur Your Hmr! ()ut event on Sat 7 Feb in the Jill]. Bar. See We Saw You. page l2. for an interview with (‘herry Loco.
If you fancy keeping things a bit closer to home. (‘oco de Mer. the erotic boutique run by Attila Roddick's daughter Sam. has recently launched their activist wing Bondage For Freedom. Buy the silky blindfold and restraints kit from their website and all proceeds will go towards campaigning for freedom in Burma and to benefit trafficked women (www.coco-de- mer.com).
If you've still got a bit of money to spend and can get yourself down to London. Killing Kittens run 'experiences' which have been described as being 'a bit like ‘an adult Jim'll Fix lt'. Whether you and your partner want to shoot your own. professional quality sexy movie. or get yourself involved in an erotic kidnap scenario. (they might even let you play a superhero!) they'll fix it for you (www.kil|ingkittens.com). Alternatively. if you want to avoid the obligatory smug couples. head straight for All Bar One. who this year have teamed up with upcoming romcom. He's Just Not That Into You, with a selection of screenings. games and prize draws. (Anna Millar)