FirstWord BEARDYMAN
The London musician, Beardyman, aka Darren Foreman, is considerably less hirsute than the name might suggest, and also proud to have been the UK beatbox champion two years in a row. Here, he talks taxes, Batman and gold statues
First record you ever bought The Batman Forever soundtrack. Amazing soundtrack, rubbish movie.
First film you saw that really moved you Dumbo. Last lie you told ‘I’m pregnant, and it's yours.’
First movie you ever went on a date to Sleepers, with Kevin Bacon where he plays a young offenders' jail officer who abuses boys. Possibly the worst date movie ever made.
Last time you cried I’m crying now.
First thing you do when you’ve got time off work Sit down and start crying. Last extravagant purchase you made A massive gold statue of myself for the front lawn.
First crush Angela Lansbury.
Last book you read House of Bush, House of Saud by Craig Unger. First great piece of advice you were given 'Don’t pick it! You’ll make it worse.'
Last time you were star struck Last time I looked in the mirror – I just stood there staring for ages and then got really tongue-tied and started praising my work way too much . . . it was so embarrassing. I walked away, like . . . 'Oh my god that was, like Beardyman! You know that beatboxer who did that thing!'
First thing you’d do if you ran the country Clamp down on civil liberties, put more security cameras up, give the police sweeping powers to confiscate anything they find annoying, extend stop and search powers to the elderly, get all the foreigners out, put tax up to fund more wars, go to war with Norway, burn down the Reichstag, make drugs illegal, kill everyone, cry. Last meal on earth – what would it be I’d have Heston Blumenthal cook me an extravagant, nonsensical meal which looked like dessert but was actually human meat.
I robbed an eight-year-old cos I was bigger than him, but to be fair he was asking for it. Last time someone criticised your work Simon Cowell told me he thought he could beatbox better than me so I had his assets seized and sold off to raise money for charity.
First three words your friends would use to describe you 'Which Darren? Oh . . .'
First song you’ll sing at karaoke 'Another Day in Paradise' by Phil Collins. Last time you made an impulse buy and regretted it A dog last Christmas.
Last week, I broke my girlfriend's leg without meaning to by throwing her down the stairs, so it was only fair that I buy her flowers because they die really quickly, signifying the fragility of the human body and the crippling pointlessness of existence. First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning Oh god . . . not again!
Last thing you think of before you go to sleep ’ll show them . . . I’ll show them all . . . who do they think they are? Don’t they know who I am? I’m the . . . zzzzzzzzzz.
Last time you exploited your position to get something
Last time you bought someone flowers ■ Beardyman plays the Arches, Glasgow, Thu 29 Apr.
WeLike The things making our world just that little bit better
■ After a hard fortnight of slavishly absorbing and tirelessly critiquing the arts world, we can’t resist a few low brow pleasures now and then. First up is the astonishingly good Lazertits. The name basically tells you everything you need to know, but those still in the dark can be zapped by the sheer brilliance of it all at www.lazertits.com.
Elsewhere, we’ve been liking the new horror movie themed ads by Burger King, promoting their US ‘Late-Night Menu’. Featuring Freddy Krueger, Chucky and Jason, the creeps in the commercials are still only half as terrifying as a quick add-up of the calories in a bacon double cheeseburger, with onion rings andfries. (See them online at www.bloody-disgusting.com/
news/19633). And as much as we like our AmApp cotton basics, we still did not see any need for the rioting that broke out at the Brick Lane branch of American Apparel recently. (Footage at tiny.cc/8e6yk). Yes, we like leggings, and we like on-sale leggings even more, but come on. Couldn’t they just order online?
2 THE LIST 15–29 Apr 2010