JEREMY LION
My friend Hilary plays the piano. He is a very clean man, and can play all the notes, both black and white, which is most impressive. He has also made some sound effects for the play in his computer and brings his own trousers, which is an improvement on my last pianist. Of my current companions I have always been very fond of Beef Richards, the disembowelling cow from my 2005 show. He would merrily explain different cuts of meat as I took him apart, finally showing us how his innards became delicious tripe and that even his skull could be melted down to make glue. A lot of fun for the kids. I still have a place in my heart for my early childhood creations such as Robert the Chatty Sock and Mr Bumblekidneys the Dialysis Bee. Watch out for the puppets in my new show as they are pretty special. At one stage I operate two at once! I think.
High spirits can be quickly thwarted with any number of my more sombre routines: the Weeping Cups, the Edible Penknife or the Pet Guillotine. Failing that, I get out my old friend Mr Shush. I’ve yet to meet a child that doesn’t clam up at the sight of him.
My father didn’t believe in toys, encouraging us to make our own amusement. I used to entertain myself with nothing more than a box of matches and a kitten. Imagination is a wonderful thing. To this day I am able to stare at a wall for up to four hours without noticing the time pass.
If I’m up in time I will always watch it. Tremendous show. We tried to include some of it in this year’s show but the BBC found out and stopped me. I also like Midsomer Murders. It’s like Monarch of the Glen but with killing in it to keep you awake. That John Nettles is a magnet for homicide, it must be awful being him. Tolerance.
I would be delighted. I have a very busy touring schedule but I can fit you in pretty much any day next year apart from February 12th, and I can move that if I have to. Do tell your teachers to get in touch. I’d prefer cash in hand and my rider is quite reasonable. Just some scotch eggs and a nip of Malibu. Maybe some matchmakers, if you’ve got them.
Seeing a child’s face wreathed in smiles. Never getting up before midday. Unlimited access to cake. Anything from one to 101, excluding my own. It’s vital to ensure that each one is memorable and special for the birthday boy or girl, preferably through fun and games fun rather than injury. It also helps if all the children stay till the end although you can’t force them. Well you can, but that’s when the parents get shouty and you end up having to leave through the garden.
I have a brother called Adrian, who became a doctor rather than a children’s entertainer. He seems to think it’s more difficult but I often assure him he is wrong. We have an elder sister called Nicola but she has moved away and changed her name for various reasons. I tried to track her down on the Facebook, but I spilt Cointreau on Adrian’s laptop and he got a little annoyed.
Not any more. Not breathing ones. There is a moth that’s been hanging around in the bedroom for a few days, but I wouldn’t say we have much of a relationship. ■ Jeremy Lion Goes Green, Pleasance Dome, 556 6550, until 30 Aug (not 16), 8.20pm, £12–£14 (£10–£12.50).
Don’t drink from the animal tap and avoid direct eye contact with clowns.
12–19 Aug 2010 THE LIST 19