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FESTIVAL INSIDER Five-star comedy child prodigy Bo Burnham uses this week’s Festival Insider space to consider the trees’ perspective

A letter to the Fringe, from the Trees of Edinburgh. Dear Murderers,

For the past month, we have stood idly by while you distribute and discard the mangled bodies of our fallen brethren. The Fringe Festival, thought by many to be a celebration of the arts, has turned into an ecological bloodbath a paper holocaust. Posters, flyers and pamphlets litter the city (we see that you don’t call them ‘leaflets’ as that may remind you of the reality of those you are hurting). You plaster them on the walls as a warning to trees who dare to speak up. Well, enough is enough! You’ve killed so many of us and for what? So that 30 people will go watch a bunch of university kids do a kabuki version of The Taming of the Shrew? So that some improv troupe has enough audience members to guarantee that when they ask for ‘a suggestion from the audience’, at least one of the people in the crowd will shout out a category for which they already have a pre-planned routine? So

random old man, that when some sketch duo’s show is going poorly, they can go into the packed house and do something slightly homoerotic to a thus guaranteeing a large laugh from the audience out of discomfort? So that some dance company can get a loud ovation when the fat one in the group does ‘the worm’? So that some stand-up comedian gets enough laughs to forget about his father again? You sicken us!

Shows lead to reviews, which lead to more flyers, and more

reviews, and more flyers, reviews, flyers, reviews, flyers . . . YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO WASH THE PULP OFF YOUR HANDS! You are wolves in sheep’s clothing, or, more accurately, serial killers in tights and codpieces. Please, we beg of you, stop this madness. It can all end today. This doesn’t need to go any further. Jack Whitehall’s shows have been sold out for weeks! Why are you still printing flyers for him?! Yes, he’s attractive, but a pretty face is no excuse for genocide!

Do the right thing. This wrong can still be made right. Please. Make like one of us, and leaf us alone.

Sincerely, The Trees of Edinburgh

P.S. We have written this as an email as I don’t want to contribute to the problem. If you print this in one of your stupid magazines, we shall see it as an act of war and we will cease to provide you with oxygen.

BRIBE OF THE WEEK Dance4 Presents Improvisation

The final Festivals bribe comes courtesy of Dance4, the troupe behind Improvise at Zoo Roxy. Cleverly referring to the venue name, they sent us a small menagerie of exotic animals: a lion, a hippo, a giraffe and an elephant. But there’s slightly more to it than that. ‘The show is about dancers and musicians using their instincts

naturalistic behaviour,’ explains Sarah Maguire of Dance4. ‘Aside from the dancers’ movement, the event will also feature live sounds provided by Luke Sutherland (of Lon Fin Killie/Bows/Mogwai fame) and Jer Reid.’ The bribes we received even have their own special significance for the performers: ‘We have the elegance of the giraffe, the prowess and athleticism of the lion, the strength of the elephant . . . the hippo was their bodyguard.’ The List was also told to ‘expect to see more animals scattered across the city in the week running up to the performance’. If you ask us, it’s about time this city got a little wilder . . . Dance4 presents improvisation, Zoo Roxy, 662 6892, Mon 30 Aug, 2pm, £5.

8 THE LIST 26 Aug–9 Sep 2010