‘IT’S LIKE THE LAST DAYS OF ROME’ Are you thoroughly confused by the voting process? Then be thankful for Bob Servant. The man of the people cuts to the chase about Yes versus No, England versus Scotland and the First Minister versus a woman from West Yorkshire . . .

Hi Bob, how’s it going? Fine. Get on with it, please, there’s a disco at the bowling club and rumours of a minibus full of skirt coming down from Lochee.

Of course. So what’s the independence referendum all about? It’s about whether Scotland says to England, ‘cheers lads, we can get ourselves home from here’. But what’s it really about? In 1984, Alex Salmond was badly humiliated by a woman from Huddersi eld in a Magaluf disco. Thirty years later, here we are.

What can I expect at the polling stations? Filth. Do you mean in a saucy way? Of course. Everything you have heard about polling stations is true. On the outside they look all very serious with the posters and the policemen, but inside it’s like the Last Days of Rome. Any sexual interest you have, however unusual, will be sated beyond your wildest dreams. You will see things that you never thought were possible and perhaps hoped weren’t. Take an open mind and a change of clothes.


18 THE LIST 23 Jan–20 Feb 2014