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FIRST&LAST JOSIE LONG As she prepares to bring her latest slice of optimistic stand-up back north, the comic talks ClickHole, the Cure and counting chairs
First movie you ever went on a date to I actually think the first time I went to the cinema with a boyfriend was when I was 18 to see Dude, Where’s My Car?. I hated it so much I started counting the chairs. Last time you cried Just now, I’m nervous about my show tonight.
First song you’ll sing at karaoke ‘Nothing Compares 2 U’. I love it. I throw water on my face and cry and everything. Last time you exploited your position to get something Not trying to show off but I just got the people at the theatre where I’m playing to get me a glass of water.
NEXT ISSUE WED 1 APR
First record you ever bought The first single I bought was Pato Banton singing ‘Baby Come Back’. I think I was 11. There are loads of references to his ‘bag a sensi’ and to him ‘messing around’ that went completely over my head. I thought ‘why is his girlfriend so annoyed that he was messing around? That’s just having fun. Jeez.’
Last extravagant purchase I just bought this gluten-free cake thing that I absolutely do not need. First film you saw that really moved you My mum showed me and my sister
what I have come to call the double-bill of no return: Of Mice and Men and
The Elephant Man. Both of them wrecked me and have scarred me for life.
Last lie you told That I couldn’t
speak on the phone.
First thing you do when you’ve got time off work Sleep in! And spend time in the evening with friends, which is glorious. First time you realised you were famous Ha! I’m not sure I am. Only select people ever recognise me and I like that best.
Last great meal you cooked Last weekend I cooked steak, sweet potatoes and vegetables and that doesn’t do it justice: it was SO GOOD. The sweet potatoes were all buttery and the vegetables had chilli and garlic and it was just perfect. First crush Tom Cox, two years older than me, at drama club. He did not know I existed. Last book you read Clive James’ memoirs. It’s for a radio show. I don’t love them but I respect him.
First great piece of advice you were given My grandma said that I shouldn’t worry what other people thought of me and shouldn’t try and be the same as other people. Last time you were starstruck I did a gig over Christmas with the Cure and I couldn’t bring myself to talk to them because I love them so much. I just couldn’t bear the thought that Robert Smith and me might not hit it off and be best pals.
Last time someone criticised your work This morning on Twitter. And they can get fucked.
First three words your friends would use to describe you God, I have no idea. Impulsive, busy, upbeat?
Last time you made an impulse buy and regretted it I bought a Peter Pan collar playsuit and I was unrealistic about how small I think I am and so it doesn’t even fit and looks terrible.
First concert you ever attended Red Hot Chili Peppers. I’m not proud. Last time you bought someone flowers I bought some for my great aunt in November. She’s 93 and a very cool woman.
First object you’d save from your burning home I think it’d be my laptop which is pretty dull. Or maybe my journal? I don’t have that many sentimental things.
First thing you’d do if you ran the country End tuition fees in England, raise taxes on the most wealthy, change the land ownership because it’s
fucked, redistribute wealth, that kind of thing.
Last funny thing you saw online ClickHole do so much funny stuff, it’s pretty much every day. This one was about how a guy had always defended Cruella de Vil and then he had seen 101 Dalmatians and changed his mind.
Last meal on earth: what would it be Oh god, I would rather just skip the meal and not die please. First job Selling double glazing door to door. One hundred percent of my earnings were commission. I lasted two days. I earned nothing.
EATING AND DRINKING Soon, you’ll be able to feast your eyes on our essential Eating and Drinking Guide (22 April to be exact) and in our next issue, we’ll have a preview of all the delights about to be dished out. Plus, we’ll explore another innovative Edinburgh Science Festival and get the lowdown on Irvine Welsh’s new book. Despite the publication date, none of the above is a joke.
Last person you fantasized about Do you mean sexually? That is my private mind-palace matter.
First word you spoke I know that my first sentence was ‘this drink is horrible’ because I got given grapefruit juice by mistake.
Last crime you committed I forgot to touch my Oyster card in on the Tube quite recently. First song at your funeral I will be long dead so they can play whatever they like.
First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning That I wish I could sleep more.
Last thing you think of before you go to sleep My secret fantasies that you will never know. Josie Long, The Stand, Edinburgh, Tue 17 Mar; The Stand, Glasgow, Wed 18 Mar.
96 THE LIST 5 Feb–2 Apr 2015 PHOTO © GILES SMITH