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FIRST&LAST CAITLIN MORAN Journalist, author and sitcom writer talks custard, Tears for Fears and touching Michael Sheen’s hair
First record you ever bought It was Reading, Writing and Arithmetic by the Sundays. At the time of purchase, I’d never heard the Smiths, and when I finally did hear them, I wrote carefully, in my diary: ‘The Smiths sound like the Sundays, but with a HORRIBLE moany-man singer’. It’s an appraisal I’d still stand by. Last extravagant purchase A 10ft-high plum tree for the garden. I now spend most of my time sitting on a chair looking out of the window, waiting for it to blossom.
122 THE LIST 2 Apr–4 Jun 2015
First film you saw that really moved you I remember watching Awakenings with my brothers and sisters, and all of us crying so hard we had to lie upside-down on the stairs to get the blood back into our heads.
Last lie you told ‘How could I possibly have drunk a whole bottle of Martini Rosso on my own? That would be the work of a mad woman.’ First movie you ever went on a date to I’ve never been on a date to a movie, but I worked as an usherette when I was 17 and saw Edward Scissorhands 17 times in one week. I would happily have married him and become Mrs Scissorhands. But I would have perhaps saved up for him to have an operation so he could be Mr Edward Fingerhands, in case he scythed my genitals off when things became sexual.
Last time you cried I wanted a hot cross bun this morning but one of the kids had eaten the last one. That felt pretty emotional. First thing you do when you’ve got time off work Go on Facebook and ‘like’ everything everyone has said to me whilst watching Friends.
Last great meal you cooked I made Nigella Lawson’s Sauternes custard last week, as she described its texture ‘as pale and wobbly as a courtesan’s inner-thigh’. It was! Plus, custard with booze in! That’s next- level shit. First crush Buck Rogers. He was like a cheap, rip-off Han Solo. I swore my sister to secrecy about my crush (‘you MUST NOT TELL ANYONE’) and she went downstairs straight away, opened the front-room door and shouted ‘MUM! CATE FANCIES BUCK ROGERS!’
Last book you read Robert Macfarlane’s Landmarks. All about words describing nature that are being lost. Falcons used to be called ‘wind-fuckers’. Amazing.
First great piece of advice you were given From my husband: ‘don’t try and be legendary. Just be nice. It’s far less exhausting.’ Last time you were starstruck I tried to touch Michael Sheen’s hair in a queue for the cloakrooms at the Royal Albert Hall. I love him. I’d do him as Tony Blair, Brian Clough or Kenneth Williams.
First thing you’d do if you ran the country Introduce proportional representation and state funding of parties, run peer-reviewed research on which policies actually work and form a new party on the basis of them, abolish homework, renationalise the railways, move parliament to Birmingham and make David Bowie’s birthday a national holiday.
Last meal on earth Cheese sandwich. There is nothing better.
First song you’ll sing at karaoke My ‘Edelweiss’ makes grown men cry. Last time you exploited your position to get something I made my daughter go upstairs and fetch my glasses because I endured 27 stitches to birth her.
First time you realised you were famous When someone ran up to me in Leicester Square and shouted ‘I LOVE YOU DAWN FRENCH!’
NEXT ISSUE WED 3 JUN
TITP / EIFF Two of the top abbreviated festivals on the Scottish calendar happen next issue and we’ll have definitive coverage of both. T in the Park has a new home at Strathallan Castle, housing the likes of Kasabian, Avicii, Noel Gallagher and the Prodigy. The Edinburgh International Film Festival features a strand on US TV movies while the RSNO perform at a special Back to the Future screening.
First concert you ever attended Tears for Fears at the NEC when I was 15. Everyone got up and started dancing and I had no idea you were supposed to dance at concerts. I pointedly sat all the way through, with an ‘I am here to APPRECIATE them as ARTISTS’ face. Last crime you committed I may have illegally torrented Tina Fey’s new sitcom from America, but that’s more ‘an emotional necessity’.
Last time someone criticised your work I would imagine less than ten seconds ago on Twitter. First person you’d thank in an award acceptance speech Michael Sheen, for forgiving me for touching his hair.
First three words your friends would use to describe you On the floor. Last time you made an impulse buy and regretted it A 1950s nurse’s cape from Beyond Retro in Brighton. It has no armholes. Wearing it, I am a helpless triangle.
Last thing you recommended I strongly urged my sister to give it ten minutes before going into the bathroom after I left it this morning. Caitlin Moran will be at the Pavilion Theatre, Glasgow, Mon 13 Apr (£25 ticket price includes a copy of How to Build a Girl).