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OMID DJALILI The stand-up legend who currently plays Mr Venus in the Beeb’s Dickensian, and whose film credits include Gladiator, The Infidel and Sex and the City 2, takes on our tricky q&a Last thing you recommended to someone A few years ago I recommended a young actress to give up the profession as she just ‘didn’t have what it takes’. It was Cate Blanchett.
First film you saw that really moved you A safety video on an airplane. The animated figures are always so slim. They never show a fat bloke at the back wedged between two seats, wearing a fully inflated life jacket, sweating profusely and asking if they’ll still be serving breakfast. Last lie you told I have always admired and respected the work of the renowned critic Brian Donaldson.
First movie you ever went on a date to The Pee-wee Herman remake of 2 Girls One Cup.
First record you ever bought Sergey Bubka’a first pole vaulting record of six metres achieved in Paris, July 1985. Last time you cried When Scotland voted NO. Meant I couldn’t declare my gigs there as foreign-income.
Last extravagant purchase you made Sergey Bubka’s pole vaulting record in Paris, July 1985. When I had it valued recently, it turned out to be Michael Bublé’s Xmas records from 2005. And therefore worthless.
First thing you do when you’ve got time off work Dress up in a mouse costume and hide with a baseball bat waiting for the cat.
Last great meal you cooked Once I fed 5000 people with two fishes and five loaves of bread when fishes and five loaves of b p p
I worked for Kanye West. W First crush F Brian B Cant, the C Play Away P presenter. p He’s 82 H now but still no considered co an an attractive woman in w Ira Iran.
Last book La you read yo What I Look Wh Lik Like in a Bik Bikini by Bri Brian Cant. First great Firs piece of piec advice you adv were given wer ‘If a white man ‘If a says he comes says in peace, you’re in pe probably going prob to die.’ to die
96 THE LIST 4 Feb–7 Apr 2016
Last time you were starstruck When I met Idris Elba. It was only after we’d spent the day together that I realised it was actually Moira Stuart. First thing you’d do if you ran the country Collapse from exhaustion . . . it’s a hell of a long way.
Last meal on earth I don’t really mind but nothing too fattening as I’m lowering my carb intake.
First song you’ll sing at karaoke I went to a karaoke bar in Japan and sang ‘Big In Japan’. The lead singer from Alphaville, who recorded ‘Big In Japan’, was there. He was tiny.
Last time you exploited your position to get something On a celebrity parachute jump I used my celebrity not to jump. First time you realised you were famous When I met Joey Essex for the third time and he’d still never heard of me.
Last time someone criticised your work A review from Brian Donaldson in The List. First three words your friends would use to describe you Quick, everyone, hide.
Last time you made an impulse buy and regretted it Thanks to this new ‘contactless’ thing, I made a purchase once and didn’t even know about it. I was just leaning against the till in Sainsbury’s and I bought shopping for a family of eight.
First concert you ever attended Liberace singing the hits of Niggaz Wit Attitudes. Last time you bought someone flowers Cate Blanchett.
First object you’d save from your burning home My extensive collection of fire extinguishers. Last funny thing you saw online The Muppets re-make of Black Hawk Down.
NEXT ISSUE WED 6 APR
SUMMER FESTIVALS It might seem unthinkable given the winds, the chills and the rains of recent times, but summer is just around the corner (or maybe the corner after that). And with that comes a whole heap of superb festivals in Scotland. We gather them all up in the magazine. Also on the way soon is our annual Eating & Drinking Guide: check out the next issue for a taster.
First word you spoke Dada. My parents were very into early 20th century avant-garde art. Last song at your funeral It’s a toss-up between ‘Un bel di vedremo’ from Puccini’s Madame Butterfly or Joe Dolce’s ‘Shaddap You Face’.
First person you’d thank in an award acceptance speech David Baddiel. I really would be the first.
Last thing you think of before you go to sleep I wish I could be bothered to get up and put the cat out. First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning Why is the cat asleep on my face?
Omid Djalili, King’s Theatre, Glasgow, Sat 19 Mar; Djalili’s autobiography, Hopeful, is out now in paperback published by Headline; Dickensian, BBC One, Thu & Fri.