'tQCbLEECH
I Ah, Christmas. 'Tis the season to act Surprised 'tis Christmas already. as you've scarcely finished sobbing over the last one. As ever, the Leech has struggled to plan a TV viewrng schedule to circumvent Natasha
Kaplinsky. is feverishly anticipating the Queen's speech and perhaps. perchance to dream, another good year for the Commonwealth. all the while wondering what to buy an estranged spouse and kids. Ever since the Leech had their Narnian school play. Mr Tumnus: The Mus/call, closed down as a protest against lKEA‘s product placement and a depiction of Aslan as Barry Gibb. it's been looking increasingly like crackers for one.
I Starstruck students at Glasgow University once elected a series of actors and Ross Kemp as rector before plumping for Current incumbent Mordechai Vanunu. And in California. plans look underway to establish a succession of ageing action-hero- governors. Wealthy. disgruntled activists in the Republican Party are apparently positioning Mel Gibson to oust the ‘more moderate Arnold Schwarzenegger'. partly and bizarrely. because they're worried about Warren Beatty's candidacy on a Democrat ticket. Now that the world is officially nuts and God is buSy scouring his To Do list for an entry marked Summon horsemen'. the Leech is coming out in favour of Mad
12 THE LIST 15 Dec 2005—5 Jan 2006
Sucking the blood of popular entertainment
.
Mel. Just so the l eech can see Terminator «1 and Arnie reanimated by the Scrap/reap ()ha//e/ige tearii. at the same trrne as preventing (Eibson from making his proposed l lolocaust mini SUFIOS. Given ()ibson ESrir's ‘l lolocaust'? What Holocaust? ‘.’l(}\.’.’f} and Mel's own remedial take on history. it should last 15) minutes and conclude that it was all the Jews' fault. ()r the l ngllslt.
I Unscheduled flights |eavrng in the dead of night. destination and purpose kept from the p; ssengers’? No. not US planes popping into Prestwick Airport on route to some Eastern European torture dungeon where. 3f()fll(§£i“‘,”. Harold Pinter}; NobeI acceptance speech plays on a permanent loop. But Space Cadets. the latest attempt to make Morel seem more inviting by making Channel :1 seem more forlorn. Unfortunately. the show breaks the first law of satire proposed by the (‘ieneva Convention and ratified by Stephen l ry. that the powerful mocking the poor and stupid is never funny unless conducted by (Ihrrs Morris. Rather than maintaining the illusion that Johnny Vaughn is the host of a spoof reality programme and that his career is in excellent health. someone should warn him that the sole reason his military base' is so realistic is so that George Bush can use it as target practice till the PM lets him launch at
Al -Jazeera or the Blue Peter garden.
You can get addicted to it, feel it, even give it a bad name. It can be tainted, tender, a crazy little thing, a lexicon, a drug, a secret, a song and it will tear us apart. It can be unknown but it conquers everything, you even have to believe in a thing called it but remember you can’t hurry it because money can't buy it. After all, it is all you need.
If you're doing the catering this Christmas, for pity's sake accept help if it's offered. If you have to wake up early and make sure everyone knows how hard working and put-upon you are by clattering pans and spending the whole time in a red-faced panic, I swear on the eyes of the baby Jesus, everyone’s going to hate you. “It’s fine, I’ll do it myself,‘ through clenched teeth is a poisonous phrase, my friend.
FIVE CHRISTMAS NUMBER TWOS
While searching for some of the unsung heroes of the Christmas Top Ten we happened upon the man with the most festive number twos in UK chart history.
to plutonium.
offspring.
In an attempt
Cliff Richard, ‘I Love You’
The year was 1960. Cliff was a fickle and tempestuous lothario in his youth and spent much of the subsequent year after trying explain to various distressed young ladies that ‘it wasn‘t them. it was him. and he just wasn’t ready for a relationship yet‘.
Cllff Richard, ‘The Next Time’
A momentary slip in Richard’s facade displayed his deftness as warlock and general soothsayer as he predicted England's 1966 World Cup victOry just months after their defeat to Brazil in the quarterfinals of 1962.
Cliff Richard, ‘Wind Me Up (Me Me Go)’
It is a little reported fact that 1965 was actually the year when the Tory government of the age tried to supplant embryonic nuclear power plans with clockwork power. Cliff spearheaded this campaign with this upbeat ditty and we are now forever bonded
Cliff Richard, ‘Daddy’s Home’
The paean to the family was written just after his departure from Wormwood Scrubs in 1981 after a stretch for organising underground cock fights. and was a sentiment made all the more perplexing by Richard's lack of any discernable
Cliff Richard, ‘Millennium Prayer’
to book his place on the stairway
to heaven, Cliff set up a direct line to JC and piped this baby up to him. Ironically, this was number one before Christmas (and the millennium) but failed to hit the festive bulls eye. Someone upstairs likes us.